so many times in my life I have put on the smile and pretended things are great. I hate that. I hate that I have to pretend anything is what it is not. I love my life. The people in it for the most part are people that I choose to surround myself with. I do not have people in my life that I have to have, I have people that I want to have. EVERYONE... well except my children. But even them for the most part are people that I want to surround myself with. They are amazing young adults.
Why is it then that I can be sitting on my computer after midnight, bawling my eyes out. Broken promises, no matter how little or how hollow hurt. They burn, sting and bring back feelings of being alone in a dark trailer wondering if anyone was coming home that day. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I lay in bed still as I can, most of the time crying into a pillow so as to not disturb anyone. I hurt inside. I know why.. I know what promises have been broken both continually and now and again. For the most part they make sense. But other times they don't.
I keep coming back to this sexual issue. I am young, 28. I am in a relationship with someone that I love so very deeply that my arms literally ache whenever he is not here. I want to be near him, both sexually and not as much as I can be. This however is not always reciprocated. I know I am loved, I know I am loved as deeply as I love him however I have never been in a situation where I am turned down for sex. I get the mathematical reasoning. It is midnight he only has 4 hours until work (this is all made up just saying) but it does not make it not hurt, the rejection even if just temporary, for the evening or the moment hurts. Brings me straight back to feeling as though there is something wrong with me. I have found myself sitting in my bathroom with the fan on (its loud) bawling, wondering sometimes even out loud. What is wrong with me. Why can't I be wanted, loved and yearned for in the same way I feel for him. In my mind I know this is silly... or do I? if I am hurting so bad inside from all of this do I really know this in my mind or am I simply stating the obvious reasons hoping it will make me feel better.
I realize that the world does not want to hear about my sex life, and I understand that my husband may not even want me to post about it, but at this point I am feeling very rejected, hurting and decided that it was better for me to take my frustration out here, somewhere that the words can be erased if needed later on.
My sex life is great, we connect, there is something to be said about sex with someone you love, I mean genuinely truly LOVE.. not just the word love. Before my marriage ( yes current because I have been married before..) I didn't even know there was a difference. There is, a very serious difference. There is saying I love you, and thinking you mean it. Well maybe even really meaning it in one sense or another. Then there is LOVE.. I call this FIBER LOVE.. I love him with every fiber of my being, cliche huh? its true. When he is not here I miss him, I mean when he is AT WORK FOR THE DAY I miss him sometimes bad enough to cry! My arms ache when we are apart for days. I seriously considered shortening the best vacation of my life just because I wanted a hug,. I don't know how to explain it better than saying, there are times my chest (not my heart.. my chest) literally gets heavy and aches, as if I am having a panic attack, just because I miss him. I have never had this kind of love before. I HAVE to hear his voice, know he is thinking of me, touch him, smell him. Now this is not to say that we can't handle time apart. God knows we can (thank you to the US ARMY) we have spent plenty of time apart. And thankfully been able to stay in pretty constant communication (if that is what you want to call it)
SO I realized I just went on a little bunny trail. So what I was saying is simply this. Sex is completely different when you are enjoying it with someone that you love withe very fiber of your being, it is beyond the animal rush and feelings that come with intercourse and include love, tenderness and even self esteem. Silly how we let other affect how we feel about ourselves but we do!
I have always let people think that I am this strong confident woman that does not care what others think about me, LIAR, I have told myself for so long that tears are a sign of weakness that I even believe it. UGH... however there is nothing I have come across that puts me in tears faster than the rejection with an inevitable broken promise. "Baby, I am just not in the mood for sex right now, tonight I promise" yea well that is rejection in its finest, leaves me feeling like.. SERIOUSLY A MAN NOT IN THE MOOD.. is that even possible? apparently it is... and tonight I promise, that almost hurts as much because my husband is the kind of guy that keeps his word, he is a person that follows through and does not purposely set out to hurt anyone HOWEVER tonightPTSD but that does not stop the little girl inside of me from coming out SCREAMING... why...
why can't I ever trust people? why do people always make plans then cancel? why am I so anal about keeping plans I make (for the most part) this for the record is why I drag my feet about making plans until I am 99% SURE I can keep them. I hate the thought of being the person to hurt someone else like this (for example I was brought to tears uncontrollably in front of people GASP because I thought I hurt A the other night.. she came in and we fixed it but I don't think I could have forgiven myself for that one!)
I have no idea if this even makes sense, I know I am tired, sexual deprived, depressed, hot (the fan is NOT cooling me off grr) and now nauseous (stupid crying)
But I guess the whole point of this blog was to say PTSD YOU SUCK... I HATE YOU... GO AWAY.. I want sex, I want my husband and I want both WITHOUT YOU INVOLVED....grrrrr
