so many times in my life I have put on the smile and pretended things are great. I hate that. I hate that I have to pretend anything is what it is not. I love my life. The people in it for the most part are people that I choose to surround myself with. I do not have people in my life that I have to have, I have people that I want to have. EVERYONE... well except my children. But even them for the most part are people that I want to surround myself with. They are amazing young adults.
Why is it then that I can be sitting on my computer after midnight, bawling my eyes out. Broken promises, no matter how little or how hollow hurt. They burn, sting and bring back feelings of being alone in a dark trailer wondering if anyone was coming home that day. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I lay in bed still as I can, most of the time crying into a pillow so as to not disturb anyone. I hurt inside. I know why.. I know what promises have been broken both continually and now and again. For the most part they make sense. But other times they don't.
I keep coming back to this sexual issue. I am young, 28. I am in a relationship with someone that I love so very deeply that my arms literally ache whenever he is not here. I want to be near him, both sexually and not as much as I can be. This however is not always reciprocated. I know I am loved, I know I am loved as deeply as I love him however I have never been in a situation where I am turned down for sex. I get the mathematical reasoning. It is midnight he only has 4 hours until work (this is all made up just saying) but it does not make it not hurt, the rejection even if just temporary, for the evening or the moment hurts. Brings me straight back to feeling as though there is something wrong with me. I have found myself sitting in my bathroom with the fan on (its loud) bawling, wondering sometimes even out loud. What is wrong with me. Why can't I be wanted, loved and yearned for in the same way I feel for him. In my mind I know this is silly... or do I? if I am hurting so bad inside from all of this do I really know this in my mind or am I simply stating the obvious reasons hoping it will make me feel better.
I realize that the world does not want to hear about my sex life, and I understand that my husband may not even want me to post about it, but at this point I am feeling very rejected, hurting and decided that it was better for me to take my frustration out here, somewhere that the words can be erased if needed later on.
My sex life is great, we connect, there is something to be said about sex with someone you love, I mean genuinely truly LOVE.. not just the word love. Before my marriage ( yes current because I have been married before..) I didn't even know there was a difference. There is, a very serious difference. There is saying I love you, and thinking you mean it. Well maybe even really meaning it in one sense or another. Then there is LOVE.. I call this FIBER LOVE.. I love him with every fiber of my being, cliche huh? its true. When he is not here I miss him, I mean when he is AT WORK FOR THE DAY I miss him sometimes bad enough to cry! My arms ache when we are apart for days. I seriously considered shortening the best vacation of my life just because I wanted a hug,. I don't know how to explain it better than saying, there are times my chest (not my heart.. my chest) literally gets heavy and aches, as if I am having a panic attack, just because I miss him. I have never had this kind of love before. I HAVE to hear his voice, know he is thinking of me, touch him, smell him. Now this is not to say that we can't handle time apart. God knows we can (thank you to the US ARMY) we have spent plenty of time apart. And thankfully been able to stay in pretty constant communication (if that is what you want to call it)
SO I realized I just went on a little bunny trail. So what I was saying is simply this. Sex is completely different when you are enjoying it with someone that you love withe very fiber of your being, it is beyond the animal rush and feelings that come with intercourse and include love, tenderness and even self esteem. Silly how we let other affect how we feel about ourselves but we do!
I have always let people think that I am this strong confident woman that does not care what others think about me, LIAR, I have told myself for so long that tears are a sign of weakness that I even believe it. UGH... however there is nothing I have come across that puts me in tears faster than the rejection with an inevitable broken promise. "Baby, I am just not in the mood for sex right now, tonight I promise" yea well that is rejection in its finest, leaves me feeling like.. SERIOUSLY A MAN NOT IN THE MOOD.. is that even possible? apparently it is... and tonight I promise, that almost hurts as much because my husband is the kind of guy that keeps his word, he is a person that follows through and does not purposely set out to hurt anyone HOWEVER tonightPTSD but that does not stop the little girl inside of me from coming out SCREAMING... why...
why can't I ever trust people? why do people always make plans then cancel? why am I so anal about keeping plans I make (for the most part) this for the record is why I drag my feet about making plans until I am 99% SURE I can keep them. I hate the thought of being the person to hurt someone else like this (for example I was brought to tears uncontrollably in front of people GASP because I thought I hurt A the other night.. she came in and we fixed it but I don't think I could have forgiven myself for that one!)
I have no idea if this even makes sense, I know I am tired, sexual deprived, depressed, hot (the fan is NOT cooling me off grr) and now nauseous (stupid crying)
But I guess the whole point of this blog was to say PTSD YOU SUCK... I HATE YOU... GO AWAY.. I want sex, I want my husband and I want both WITHOUT YOU INVOLVED....grrrrr
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
happy+hurt...what wins?
what a day, what a week, what life. Yup what a life I lead. I have an amazing one don't I.
Today started out great, I had my kids with me, breakfast in bed, brunch with more family and swimming with the kids. It was a great day! How is it that you can have such an amazing day yet have your heart hurt at the same time. I wanted nothing more than all of my kids together for mothers day. I coudln't help but take it personally when the one child we have "adopted" choose to spend the day with her biological mother. It was so hard to watch her run out the door, excited to get back to the day she was leading there. I understand why it is that she wanted to be there (now I do anyway) however understanding something in your head and being okay with it in your heart is two different things.
You see this daughter of mine is amazing. I am the one she comes to when she needs advice, information, help, money, support, insurance, love, a home you name it My husband and I are her parents in every respect of the word. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know she loves us, I know she loves ME I know this.. I really do. But it was so hard to not let the hurt take over today. I couldn't help but check my phone feverishly every time it went off just in case it was her. Then when it finally was her I found myself so hurt that I felt like the only reason she said the words "happy mothers day" was because someone reminded her to say so. I have no idea if someone did or not but it didn't matter.
I told her how hurt I was, assured her I loved her anyway but the hurt was still there. She apologized prefusely and assured me she would make it up to me, how does one make up hurt? I told her that I just need her to realize how ones actions can affect someone else. She said she would but how can one judge that.
I struggle with my feelings of guilt when it comes to the kids, I feel like a softy. I am the one that will say, I feel bad doing this. And when it comes to the oldest ones I tend to bite my tongue so that I don't hurt anyones feelings. I love everyone in my family so very much I don't want it to change. Well thats not true.. but I don't want hurt feelings, or bad blood between anyone.
I am so excited we leave for Hawaii on Tuesday.. techincally that is TOMORROW (it is almost 1am)
I guess I am writing this only to sort through my feelings of hurt, sadness and guilt of being mean. I guess I have to work through all of this now, before the other kids are old enough to get one over on me. I believe God has put this and all obstacles up to this in my path for a reason... this to will make me stronger...
Today started out great, I had my kids with me, breakfast in bed, brunch with more family and swimming with the kids. It was a great day! How is it that you can have such an amazing day yet have your heart hurt at the same time. I wanted nothing more than all of my kids together for mothers day. I coudln't help but take it personally when the one child we have "adopted" choose to spend the day with her biological mother. It was so hard to watch her run out the door, excited to get back to the day she was leading there. I understand why it is that she wanted to be there (now I do anyway) however understanding something in your head and being okay with it in your heart is two different things.
You see this daughter of mine is amazing. I am the one she comes to when she needs advice, information, help, money, support, insurance, love, a home you name it My husband and I are her parents in every respect of the word. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know she loves us, I know she loves ME I know this.. I really do. But it was so hard to not let the hurt take over today. I couldn't help but check my phone feverishly every time it went off just in case it was her. Then when it finally was her I found myself so hurt that I felt like the only reason she said the words "happy mothers day" was because someone reminded her to say so. I have no idea if someone did or not but it didn't matter.
I told her how hurt I was, assured her I loved her anyway but the hurt was still there. She apologized prefusely and assured me she would make it up to me, how does one make up hurt? I told her that I just need her to realize how ones actions can affect someone else. She said she would but how can one judge that.
I struggle with my feelings of guilt when it comes to the kids, I feel like a softy. I am the one that will say, I feel bad doing this. And when it comes to the oldest ones I tend to bite my tongue so that I don't hurt anyones feelings. I love everyone in my family so very much I don't want it to change. Well thats not true.. but I don't want hurt feelings, or bad blood between anyone.
I am so excited we leave for Hawaii on Tuesday.. techincally that is TOMORROW (it is almost 1am)
I guess I am writing this only to sort through my feelings of hurt, sadness and guilt of being mean. I guess I have to work through all of this now, before the other kids are old enough to get one over on me. I believe God has put this and all obstacles up to this in my path for a reason... this to will make me stronger...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
fear....
Its official I am becoming one with my fear. I am not invincable and I am learning to be okay with that. Tomorrow is my first official test with my new Gastrointerologist. He is concerned that I may be suffering from Colon Cancer. I do not truly believe this is the case but I can't help but be paralzed with fear every now and then. I honestly do not know what I would do if A was not by my side for all of these appts. My husband has to work and my mom really can't be out in public to much do to her own health issues. I have my barium study tomorrow. Intially anyway.I don't know if they will be doing more or not, it depends on scheduling. I am trying so hard to hold everything together, or maybe I am just trying to hold it all in, I am not sure.
I am so emotional the last couple days, I can honestly say I am not sure if it is anxiety or "that time of the month" btu I know I find myself crying for no reason, and sleeping so very much. I know the reason for the sleepy, well I am assuming it is from everything going on with my body. I am still making it to my workouts, but I swear a day without a nap is hard! I need to get me fixed. The only thing that seems to give me energy lately is Spark (love ADVOCARE) and working out. I love it, I feel so motivated and proud of myself, I wish I was seeing more weight loss but I am sure I will get over this hump.
I hate the days that I feel vulnerable and scared of what is to come. I hate feeling like the marter in our family and I hate that there is no easy button in life. I love that I have an amazing family, I love that my health is important to me, I love that I have at least 10 reasons to smile every morning, I love that I have more love than hate in my life... I love that I leave for hawaii in FIVE days hehe....
I felt like I was going to get on here and really just emotionally let go tonite. Admit that I want to cry, admit that I am scared beyond words.. I thought for sure this was going to be a really long blog. But I am suprising myself that its not. I have never been one to admit fear, let alone be okay with it. I am NOT okay with it. I am not one that you will see crying in a corner, or shaking in my shoes. I am that one that is scared or uncomfertable and cracking jokes to keep the mood light. The more uncomfertable I am the more jokes I am making. That is just who I ahve always been, its easier to laugh then cry, not to mention I am NOT one of those people that can be pretty while they are crying. I am an UGLY cryer, puffy eyes, snotty nose. Yea you know what I mean!
I do not want bad news from this test.... but to be honest I think I will be more devastated with NO news. I have been getting NO answers for to long now, I am always in pain yet no one knows why... its a mystery that drives me insane. I feel like I overcame one thing just to be hit by another. When I hurt my back 15 months ago it took what seemed like forever for me to recover, it was horrible. I was facing back surgery at 28 years old. This was not okay. I pushed myself harder that any physical therapist would and began to see improvment, I spend most days pain free (in regards to my back) now, I know thsi will be a life long problem but I think I can manage it medication free. THEN BAM this happens I swear. I hate taking pain medication. I hate being dependent on anything I hate taking anything that can make you dependent. But here I am again, most evenings needing something for the pain, I need it during the day as well but 85% of the time I take nothing, the fear of actually becoming dependant on something like that is imobalizing to me. I can NEVER become thaperson.
At this point I can actually say, any answer would be a relief. I know that sounds niave and maybe I should be careful what I ask for but in reality I can work with anything, as long as I know what I am working with. I feel like the love and bond that my family, and extended family, has for me will pull me through anything but it is pretty hard to pull somebody through something when you don't know what you are pulling against. I can't help but wonder if peopkle think I am faking or full of it. I start every conversation with doctors saying the same thing, "I do not want pain medication. I just want an answer" it dosen't matter I usually leave with a perscription and no answers :( but hopefully, God willing we are moving one step closer.... to the truth one step closer to an answer and maybe, just maybe... one step closer to a cure....
well my lovely followers I must rest.. my amazing boys are coming home tomorrow and I am down to just 5 days till I leave for Hawaii and I haven't even made my packing list (if you know me this is AMAZING!) I will however have it all doen by this weekend and have all non-essential items packed. I can't wait.
I am so emotional the last couple days, I can honestly say I am not sure if it is anxiety or "that time of the month" btu I know I find myself crying for no reason, and sleeping so very much. I know the reason for the sleepy, well I am assuming it is from everything going on with my body. I am still making it to my workouts, but I swear a day without a nap is hard! I need to get me fixed. The only thing that seems to give me energy lately is Spark (love ADVOCARE) and working out. I love it, I feel so motivated and proud of myself, I wish I was seeing more weight loss but I am sure I will get over this hump.
I hate the days that I feel vulnerable and scared of what is to come. I hate feeling like the marter in our family and I hate that there is no easy button in life. I love that I have an amazing family, I love that my health is important to me, I love that I have at least 10 reasons to smile every morning, I love that I have more love than hate in my life... I love that I leave for hawaii in FIVE days hehe....
I felt like I was going to get on here and really just emotionally let go tonite. Admit that I want to cry, admit that I am scared beyond words.. I thought for sure this was going to be a really long blog. But I am suprising myself that its not. I have never been one to admit fear, let alone be okay with it. I am NOT okay with it. I am not one that you will see crying in a corner, or shaking in my shoes. I am that one that is scared or uncomfertable and cracking jokes to keep the mood light. The more uncomfertable I am the more jokes I am making. That is just who I ahve always been, its easier to laugh then cry, not to mention I am NOT one of those people that can be pretty while they are crying. I am an UGLY cryer, puffy eyes, snotty nose. Yea you know what I mean!
I do not want bad news from this test.... but to be honest I think I will be more devastated with NO news. I have been getting NO answers for to long now, I am always in pain yet no one knows why... its a mystery that drives me insane. I feel like I overcame one thing just to be hit by another. When I hurt my back 15 months ago it took what seemed like forever for me to recover, it was horrible. I was facing back surgery at 28 years old. This was not okay. I pushed myself harder that any physical therapist would and began to see improvment, I spend most days pain free (in regards to my back) now, I know thsi will be a life long problem but I think I can manage it medication free. THEN BAM this happens I swear. I hate taking pain medication. I hate being dependent on anything I hate taking anything that can make you dependent. But here I am again, most evenings needing something for the pain, I need it during the day as well but 85% of the time I take nothing, the fear of actually becoming dependant on something like that is imobalizing to me. I can NEVER become thaperson.
At this point I can actually say, any answer would be a relief. I know that sounds niave and maybe I should be careful what I ask for but in reality I can work with anything, as long as I know what I am working with. I feel like the love and bond that my family, and extended family, has for me will pull me through anything but it is pretty hard to pull somebody through something when you don't know what you are pulling against. I can't help but wonder if peopkle think I am faking or full of it. I start every conversation with doctors saying the same thing, "I do not want pain medication. I just want an answer" it dosen't matter I usually leave with a perscription and no answers :( but hopefully, God willing we are moving one step closer.... to the truth one step closer to an answer and maybe, just maybe... one step closer to a cure....
well my lovely followers I must rest.. my amazing boys are coming home tomorrow and I am down to just 5 days till I leave for Hawaii and I haven't even made my packing list (if you know me this is AMAZING!) I will however have it all doen by this weekend and have all non-essential items packed. I can't wait.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
the ME I want to be!
Today I went to the GI specialist regarding the pain in my abdomen, it is unforgiving pain I swear. The appointment started off as any other, please tell me the whole story....well I did, The doctor told me that he was suspecting that I was suffering from scar tissue, however he also said that he was still waiting for the nursed to pull up the records from all of the testing I have had in the last month. While we were talking the nurse came in with all of the paperwork. After going over everything. The doctor asked to begin the physical examination. Not much has changed, pain pain pain. While as the doctor is doing the examination I quickly realized this was not the same. He was pushing in different areas, he was causing different pain. I noticed the difference easily. As did my "daughter" that was with me. When the exam was over the doctor helped me sit up and he told me that he has only had 4 patients that needed as many colonoscopys as I have had in this short of a time and 3 of them had cancer. The doctor told me that he would be surprised if what I am suffering from is not serious. He told me that he has been doing this job for 18 years and in this time he had never been surprised yet. He told me the slew of tests he wants to start with, he told me about the diet changes I need to make and reminded me that he thinks we are dealing with something serious.
Many people would be freaked out at this news, however I had no reaction,. I looked at A and told her, I am to stubborn for this, Which quickly turned into the joke that I am way to cool for cancer, Cancer was so yesterday lol. I left it at that. Didn't think about it just let it go. As the day went on I still didn't think about it, didn't want to. I had a hair appointment and we had Zumba at 5:30.
When I got home I was just exhausted, to much UP time for my tummy.. well I laid in bed and just kind of chewed on my day. A lot went on today. But in reality there is more than many know. Financial issues seem to be bearing their head a lot lately. We are surviving but not the way we should. I collect unemployment however my ex-husband has begun to collect state assistant for himself and our boys that we share custody of. Because of this the state has decided that I should pay child support TO MY EX. My ex just needed to send ONE piece of paper to stop the collection but surprise surprise he didn't. Which lead to me requesting a trial with child support as they are now withholding my unemployment. they were going to be sending it to my ex but because I requested the hearing they are now HOLDING the money not giving it to him but it is still not in my hand where it belongs.
Well because of this I have been holding a lot of anxiety inside. I have felt so guilty since I have not been working because my husband goes to work every single day. To support us, to take care of us and to do what is best for us. I hate that the financial stress is on him every day as well as the work and everything else. I spend some days ridden with guilt, I just want to free him of that. I have decided that I will throw myself back into my Advocare business as well as the newest adventure I am looking forward to getting involved with. I am going to support my husband and our family in the best way I can. I laid in bed with my husband tonight and cried, and cried and cried. He put his arms around me and assured me over and over again that he loves me. He told me that he would rather me not be working right now, he told me I have to take care of my health. He told me he loves coming home from work and seeing me with our children. He said that he loves seeing the pride on my face when I get my Advocare check every other week. I couldn't help but feel the love from him tonite. I know that God has placed certain people in my life right now. I know that God has my best interests at heart.
I have had an amazing man, Uncle John, given to me. To support me, love me and let me vent, I have my husband who supports me and reassures me when even I know I sound silly. God has most recently put A in my life. Reminding me how wonderful it is to have a new love in your life. I have T-J-J-C&G in my life every day, reminding me why I love being a mom. I love these children more every day. And these children are helping me work on myself daily and they don't even know it!
I think the most amazing things that were said to me tonite
Tomorrow I am going to meet a great friend for Zumba, we will work out, I just need her company along with my girls. I have been so angry with myself for the way my body has been reacting to life. I hate that I am finally for the first time in my life been making consistent healthy choices, I eat right I exercise and I am getting healthier every day. But once again my body is failing me, pain for no apparent reason. Vomiting a couple times a day, its like I am pregnant without the amazingly wonderful side affects from pregnancy. the pain makes me vomit, the vomit makes me vomit ugh its an ugly cycle with my wonderful body. I have recognized the ugly head of depression that has began rearing its head back into my life. I know I have talked about it. this in the past but recently I have finally decided to fix it. And like I tell the girls in the house the only person in charge of my behavior is ME. I have to take charge to be the best me I can, it is the best way to honor God and my family. I am going to be ME, I will have my hard days, my bad days and even the days that I want to quit but I am going to continue to be me. The me that I like.
AND I leave for Hawaii in LESS than a week whoo hooo
Many people would be freaked out at this news, however I had no reaction,. I looked at A and told her, I am to stubborn for this, Which quickly turned into the joke that I am way to cool for cancer, Cancer was so yesterday lol. I left it at that. Didn't think about it just let it go. As the day went on I still didn't think about it, didn't want to. I had a hair appointment and we had Zumba at 5:30.
When I got home I was just exhausted, to much UP time for my tummy.. well I laid in bed and just kind of chewed on my day. A lot went on today. But in reality there is more than many know. Financial issues seem to be bearing their head a lot lately. We are surviving but not the way we should. I collect unemployment however my ex-husband has begun to collect state assistant for himself and our boys that we share custody of. Because of this the state has decided that I should pay child support TO MY EX. My ex just needed to send ONE piece of paper to stop the collection but surprise surprise he didn't. Which lead to me requesting a trial with child support as they are now withholding my unemployment. they were going to be sending it to my ex but because I requested the hearing they are now HOLDING the money not giving it to him but it is still not in my hand where it belongs.
Well because of this I have been holding a lot of anxiety inside. I have felt so guilty since I have not been working because my husband goes to work every single day. To support us, to take care of us and to do what is best for us. I hate that the financial stress is on him every day as well as the work and everything else. I spend some days ridden with guilt, I just want to free him of that. I have decided that I will throw myself back into my Advocare business as well as the newest adventure I am looking forward to getting involved with. I am going to support my husband and our family in the best way I can. I laid in bed with my husband tonight and cried, and cried and cried. He put his arms around me and assured me over and over again that he loves me. He told me that he would rather me not be working right now, he told me I have to take care of my health. He told me he loves coming home from work and seeing me with our children. He said that he loves seeing the pride on my face when I get my Advocare check every other week. I couldn't help but feel the love from him tonite. I know that God has placed certain people in my life right now. I know that God has my best interests at heart.
I have had an amazing man, Uncle John, given to me. To support me, love me and let me vent, I have my husband who supports me and reassures me when even I know I sound silly. God has most recently put A in my life. Reminding me how wonderful it is to have a new love in your life. I have T-J-J-C&G in my life every day, reminding me why I love being a mom. I love these children more every day. And these children are helping me work on myself daily and they don't even know it!
I think the most amazing things that were said to me tonite
Tomorrow I am going to meet a great friend for Zumba, we will work out, I just need her company along with my girls. I have been so angry with myself for the way my body has been reacting to life. I hate that I am finally for the first time in my life been making consistent healthy choices, I eat right I exercise and I am getting healthier every day. But once again my body is failing me, pain for no apparent reason. Vomiting a couple times a day, its like I am pregnant without the amazingly wonderful side affects from pregnancy. the pain makes me vomit, the vomit makes me vomit ugh its an ugly cycle with my wonderful body. I have recognized the ugly head of depression that has began rearing its head back into my life. I know I have talked about it. this in the past but recently I have finally decided to fix it. And like I tell the girls in the house the only person in charge of my behavior is ME. I have to take charge to be the best me I can, it is the best way to honor God and my family. I am going to be ME, I will have my hard days, my bad days and even the days that I want to quit but I am going to continue to be me. The me that I like.
AND I leave for Hawaii in LESS than a week whoo hooo
Monday, May 2, 2011
smile at least ONCE today
Man I layed in the dark, next to the love of my life, begging for sleep to find me... but NOPE my mind is racing with Hawaii and packing and appointments ugh.. so I get my computer out just to find I am yawning like crazy.
So today I was faced with some stuff. It was hard to face. Even harder to not know what to say. My husband and I have been blessed to be able to provide a wonderful home to our children and for whatever reason have been able to provide a stable home for a couple extras as well. Not always wonderful but stable! We have two great girls living with us that remind me of myself in so many ways, but both for different reasons. T has become an amazing woman, learning more about herself everyday. Learning to allow others to teach her, to show her what her consequences may be.. learning.. but doing great! A is the newest addition to our "wobbly" little family. But none the less an important aspect to it already. I have grown to love A as if she is one of my own in a very short time. I have always been able to love others but not neccesariyl to allow them to see me.. the real me.. vulnerable and scared, and see what has got me here. I am letting her in. I am not sure why, maybe to help her, maybe to help me I am not sure. But I could not picture my life without her right now. I look into those brown eyes and I see hurt, anger, grief, lonelieness and the longing to be loved.. but I have to wait until she feels she is worth those things... completly.
I understand what it is to grow up in a home where you always feel like you are #2... second best, not to a person or a thing just to life. In my case I was #2 to alcohol and drugs ... she knows hers. The reality is it does not mater what the #1 is. If a child does not feel as though he/she has that place in your life they might as well be the dirt outside. Not worthy of love or respect, always looking for it somewhere, usually in the wrong place. I remember when I found out i was pregnant at 16 I was excited.. it meant something would love me forever. WOW... So many times people see families from the outside. They see the family that is "well off" maybe seem to be the perfect family. But they are unable to see the inside dynamic. Step families, 1/2 siblings, no siblings.. whatever it is. Many people stop looking at the perfect family at the door. They never see what is going on inside. The do not see the hurt, the mean words, the dirty looks, broken promises and down right pain caused by those that live inside. We as the children are groomed to smile and wave, make the family look perfect. But no one wants to see the pain in the eyes of the child... of the adult... of the person in front of them just begging to FINALLY be accepted.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has choices in their lives that they would change if they could. If they knew the consequences. The true parents in life, the true people that are deserving of that title are the parents that can look PAST the mistake and still love the child. I am not saying a parent should leave themselves open to be taken advantage of, nor should they continue to coddle a child that has clearly left the nest. Sometimes loving a child is kicking them out, but still answering their phone calls. Setting boundaries but still saying I love you. A real parent loves their child THROUGH the mistake.
It is so hard for me to have "adults" in my life that have been hurt since childhood, programmed to think they are not worth genuine unconditional love. I think it is so hard for me not because I can't handle their pain but because I feel my own with it. I have struggled so long with fear of alcohol. Hatred of drugs. And anger toward my mother and step father that I thought I had long before let go of. I am able to move forward wtih my mother as she has accepted responsibility for her actions, she realizes what she did. However my step father has had no reprucussions, even as an adult I have tried to help him, bail him out of jail. Just to have my heart broken again, broken promises and incomplete truths. I wish I could just not believe him but their is always part of a daughters heart that believes her "daddy" will save her no matter what. HAHAHA
It is so hard tolook at a human being that you have began to love and see them cry due to the pain (emotionally) that has been inflicted upon them by someone that is suppose to love them. Is suppose to be a parent. Why can't people understand that words hurt. They may just be words but they hurt and a simple flamboyant "im sorry' does not make them go away. It does not remove the hurt, the tears or the anger. It does nothing but make the bearer of the mean words feel even more guilty for being angry. My husband is guilty of this, he will say something that is hurtful or not thinka bout what he is really saying, he will be in a bad mood and ruin everyones day then when he is done with whatever is bothering him he wants to continue like NOTHING ever happened. GRR that makes me so mad I always feel like my hurt feelings and anger mean nothing to him. I hate that feeling.
So how should a child deal with those feelings from a parent. The people that are suppse to love and support us through anything. I believe the only thing we as adults can do is stand tall. Accept the information that is pertinant to the situation and trash the rest. easier said than done! I believe that the person recieveing the information has to look at the whole situation, look at the soured relationship and think back to a time when it was not, remember that time. Is the situation salvagable. Be honest with yourself you are an adult do you even want to TRY to salvage it? As an adult I learned, I do not have to LIKE my family. I do have to LOVE them ( I am not speaking about my hubby and kids here lol) but I don'thave to like what they do or accept it in my life. I have had a family member that manipulated situations, caused drama and hurt and I choose to remove that from my life. I still love this person but I no longer associate with them in anyway. My life has been very drama free since!
I have no idea why I am writing this blog tonite, I am tired and just needed to think of something other than my girls, how upset they can be... all three of my girls are amazing to me. Today was a beautiful day, we spent the day shopping and ended with a nice hike (ended short due to SNAKES eewww) a visit to the river and ice cream stop! the dog loved it to! we had a great time however the truth is we were just preparing to GO TO HAWAII...
I have my TO DO list written.. some of the things are write letters to the kids, record a couple books for Gman and make appointments. Well I better get some rest so I can get on that. Sleep well and know that it is important to smile at LEAST once a day, someone is in love with that smile and it would be mean to withold it from them!
So today I was faced with some stuff. It was hard to face. Even harder to not know what to say. My husband and I have been blessed to be able to provide a wonderful home to our children and for whatever reason have been able to provide a stable home for a couple extras as well. Not always wonderful but stable! We have two great girls living with us that remind me of myself in so many ways, but both for different reasons. T has become an amazing woman, learning more about herself everyday. Learning to allow others to teach her, to show her what her consequences may be.. learning.. but doing great! A is the newest addition to our "wobbly" little family. But none the less an important aspect to it already. I have grown to love A as if she is one of my own in a very short time. I have always been able to love others but not neccesariyl to allow them to see me.. the real me.. vulnerable and scared, and see what has got me here. I am letting her in. I am not sure why, maybe to help her, maybe to help me I am not sure. But I could not picture my life without her right now. I look into those brown eyes and I see hurt, anger, grief, lonelieness and the longing to be loved.. but I have to wait until she feels she is worth those things... completly.
I understand what it is to grow up in a home where you always feel like you are #2... second best, not to a person or a thing just to life. In my case I was #2 to alcohol and drugs ... she knows hers. The reality is it does not mater what the #1 is. If a child does not feel as though he/she has that place in your life they might as well be the dirt outside. Not worthy of love or respect, always looking for it somewhere, usually in the wrong place. I remember when I found out i was pregnant at 16 I was excited.. it meant something would love me forever. WOW... So many times people see families from the outside. They see the family that is "well off" maybe seem to be the perfect family. But they are unable to see the inside dynamic. Step families, 1/2 siblings, no siblings.. whatever it is. Many people stop looking at the perfect family at the door. They never see what is going on inside. The do not see the hurt, the mean words, the dirty looks, broken promises and down right pain caused by those that live inside. We as the children are groomed to smile and wave, make the family look perfect. But no one wants to see the pain in the eyes of the child... of the adult... of the person in front of them just begging to FINALLY be accepted.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has choices in their lives that they would change if they could. If they knew the consequences. The true parents in life, the true people that are deserving of that title are the parents that can look PAST the mistake and still love the child. I am not saying a parent should leave themselves open to be taken advantage of, nor should they continue to coddle a child that has clearly left the nest. Sometimes loving a child is kicking them out, but still answering their phone calls. Setting boundaries but still saying I love you. A real parent loves their child THROUGH the mistake.
It is so hard for me to have "adults" in my life that have been hurt since childhood, programmed to think they are not worth genuine unconditional love. I think it is so hard for me not because I can't handle their pain but because I feel my own with it. I have struggled so long with fear of alcohol. Hatred of drugs. And anger toward my mother and step father that I thought I had long before let go of. I am able to move forward wtih my mother as she has accepted responsibility for her actions, she realizes what she did. However my step father has had no reprucussions, even as an adult I have tried to help him, bail him out of jail. Just to have my heart broken again, broken promises and incomplete truths. I wish I could just not believe him but their is always part of a daughters heart that believes her "daddy" will save her no matter what. HAHAHA
It is so hard tolook at a human being that you have began to love and see them cry due to the pain (emotionally) that has been inflicted upon them by someone that is suppose to love them. Is suppose to be a parent. Why can't people understand that words hurt. They may just be words but they hurt and a simple flamboyant "im sorry' does not make them go away. It does not remove the hurt, the tears or the anger. It does nothing but make the bearer of the mean words feel even more guilty for being angry. My husband is guilty of this, he will say something that is hurtful or not thinka bout what he is really saying, he will be in a bad mood and ruin everyones day then when he is done with whatever is bothering him he wants to continue like NOTHING ever happened. GRR that makes me so mad I always feel like my hurt feelings and anger mean nothing to him. I hate that feeling.
So how should a child deal with those feelings from a parent. The people that are suppse to love and support us through anything. I believe the only thing we as adults can do is stand tall. Accept the information that is pertinant to the situation and trash the rest. easier said than done! I believe that the person recieveing the information has to look at the whole situation, look at the soured relationship and think back to a time when it was not, remember that time. Is the situation salvagable. Be honest with yourself you are an adult do you even want to TRY to salvage it? As an adult I learned, I do not have to LIKE my family. I do have to LOVE them ( I am not speaking about my hubby and kids here lol) but I don'thave to like what they do or accept it in my life. I have had a family member that manipulated situations, caused drama and hurt and I choose to remove that from my life. I still love this person but I no longer associate with them in anyway. My life has been very drama free since!
I have no idea why I am writing this blog tonite, I am tired and just needed to think of something other than my girls, how upset they can be... all three of my girls are amazing to me. Today was a beautiful day, we spent the day shopping and ended with a nice hike (ended short due to SNAKES eewww) a visit to the river and ice cream stop! the dog loved it to! we had a great time however the truth is we were just preparing to GO TO HAWAII...
I have my TO DO list written.. some of the things are write letters to the kids, record a couple books for Gman and make appointments. Well I better get some rest so I can get on that. Sleep well and know that it is important to smile at LEAST once a day, someone is in love with that smile and it would be mean to withold it from them!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
how many times?
How many times can you tell someone something before you have the right to be upset with them for not listening. I swear. I can say over and over and over again what it is that I NEED yet I get the opposite. I know i should not complain, I have an amazing life. I have so much to be thankful but it drives me crazy.
So the reason for my blog tonite. My children see a counselor. Between dealing with deployments and just general life I thought it was good for my children to have somewhere safe that they can unload. Periodically I meet with the counselor to discuss progress, and what I am seeing at home as they usually do not coinside with eachother.
This meeting was about my daughter. She is an amazing creature but very emotional. In reality what I have to say in this blog has nothing to do with her at all. While talking to the counselor about ways we could deal with her "emotional" moments. I was able to once again reflect on myself again.
I have learne that I have hard time when she has emotional break downs because of my mothers drinking when i was a child. I litteraly SHUT DOWN when someone is crying for what I see to be no reason. I have no empathy for them, no sympathy NOTHING. I have no emotion. This being said if someone is hurt and crying it does not upset or bother me. But the emotional crying drives me crazy I get upset when she gets emotional. I hate blabimg my issues on anyone but the counselor helped me see that because of the way I was "programmed" as a child I had to shut down when my mother was crying (emotional alcoholic) so as a child I knew I couldn't fix the upset adult so I shut down. Now as an aduly I still shut down when someone cries.
I can't help but wonder if I am ever going to get over this. Sometimes it is so hard for me to hug my own child when they are upset because I am having to force myself to fake empathy. I have learned that I need to learn patience, learn to be patient with others as well as myself. I have learned that I am the way I am emotionally because I was programed this way. I have to learn to be a better person emotionally for my children. I do not want them to have the same restrictions emotionally that I have.
I am slowly learning to allow others to love me. I have no problem loving others, I tend to maybe give my love away to easily sometimes. But I do not let many people in. I am always afraid of being hurt. Getting let down or having promises broken that I so desperatly want to believe.
I have spent most of my life getting let down. I have had parents, family, lovers, friends, and many others tell me something, let me believe something or even promise me soemthing just to take it back. Let me down and break my heart. It hurts so much when you want something plan for it, dream of it then just have it all taken away. I remember being a kid, we lived in a trailer park, my mom was going somewhere and she told me the night before I could go. One of her friends at the last minute was able to go so she told me that morning that I wasn't going, I remember looking out of the window, hands on the window (like in a movie) crying.. bawling...feeling so alone.. left..abandoned. She came home but I remember hurting so bad staring out the window hoping she would come back for me... she didn't. I remember having planned for weeks to go to my grandmas for a family reunioin, my aunt was suppose to pick me up. The apartment we lived in had a locking door and my mom was suppose to unlock it. She didn't. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting.. I finally went downstairs just to find a note from my aunt saying she came but I wasn't outside and the door was locked so she left. This was before cell phones (I don't know why she didn't go to a pay phone, I don't know if we even had a phone) I just remember crying and feeling left again.. so alone. unwanted.. wow I am sensing a theme here. Maybe this is why I cry some mornings when my husband leaves for work, I know he has to but I feel so alone... abandoned...
Planning things that I do not control scares me now. I tend to wait to make CONCRETE plans until I know I can control the outcome. It is so hard for me to have a promise broken. Even little things. When someone says "this weekend we will go to the beach" if we don't go I feel betrayed and abandoned. If my husband tells me we are going to go for a run but we don't I feel angry and hurt. But I recognize what is going on now....
Sometimes it is hard to believe that good things are going to happen. I celebrate another day closer to hawaii every day (10 days...well 9 now that its after midnight) but part of me is so reserved, and scared to get excited. Will this feeling ever pass? will I ever be able to just roll with the punches?
I am a list maker.. I am a control freak I can't help it I try to relax and sometimes I am able to and others I cant
So the reason for my blog tonite. My children see a counselor. Between dealing with deployments and just general life I thought it was good for my children to have somewhere safe that they can unload. Periodically I meet with the counselor to discuss progress, and what I am seeing at home as they usually do not coinside with eachother.
This meeting was about my daughter. She is an amazing creature but very emotional. In reality what I have to say in this blog has nothing to do with her at all. While talking to the counselor about ways we could deal with her "emotional" moments. I was able to once again reflect on myself again.
I have learne that I have hard time when she has emotional break downs because of my mothers drinking when i was a child. I litteraly SHUT DOWN when someone is crying for what I see to be no reason. I have no empathy for them, no sympathy NOTHING. I have no emotion. This being said if someone is hurt and crying it does not upset or bother me. But the emotional crying drives me crazy I get upset when she gets emotional. I hate blabimg my issues on anyone but the counselor helped me see that because of the way I was "programmed" as a child I had to shut down when my mother was crying (emotional alcoholic) so as a child I knew I couldn't fix the upset adult so I shut down. Now as an aduly I still shut down when someone cries.
I can't help but wonder if I am ever going to get over this. Sometimes it is so hard for me to hug my own child when they are upset because I am having to force myself to fake empathy. I have learned that I need to learn patience, learn to be patient with others as well as myself. I have learned that I am the way I am emotionally because I was programed this way. I have to learn to be a better person emotionally for my children. I do not want them to have the same restrictions emotionally that I have.
I am slowly learning to allow others to love me. I have no problem loving others, I tend to maybe give my love away to easily sometimes. But I do not let many people in. I am always afraid of being hurt. Getting let down or having promises broken that I so desperatly want to believe.
I have spent most of my life getting let down. I have had parents, family, lovers, friends, and many others tell me something, let me believe something or even promise me soemthing just to take it back. Let me down and break my heart. It hurts so much when you want something plan for it, dream of it then just have it all taken away. I remember being a kid, we lived in a trailer park, my mom was going somewhere and she told me the night before I could go. One of her friends at the last minute was able to go so she told me that morning that I wasn't going, I remember looking out of the window, hands on the window (like in a movie) crying.. bawling...feeling so alone.. left..abandoned. She came home but I remember hurting so bad staring out the window hoping she would come back for me... she didn't. I remember having planned for weeks to go to my grandmas for a family reunioin, my aunt was suppose to pick me up. The apartment we lived in had a locking door and my mom was suppose to unlock it. She didn't. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting.. I finally went downstairs just to find a note from my aunt saying she came but I wasn't outside and the door was locked so she left. This was before cell phones (I don't know why she didn't go to a pay phone, I don't know if we even had a phone) I just remember crying and feeling left again.. so alone. unwanted.. wow I am sensing a theme here. Maybe this is why I cry some mornings when my husband leaves for work, I know he has to but I feel so alone... abandoned...
Planning things that I do not control scares me now. I tend to wait to make CONCRETE plans until I know I can control the outcome. It is so hard for me to have a promise broken. Even little things. When someone says "this weekend we will go to the beach" if we don't go I feel betrayed and abandoned. If my husband tells me we are going to go for a run but we don't I feel angry and hurt. But I recognize what is going on now....
Sometimes it is hard to believe that good things are going to happen. I celebrate another day closer to hawaii every day (10 days...well 9 now that its after midnight) but part of me is so reserved, and scared to get excited. Will this feeling ever pass? will I ever be able to just roll with the punches?
I am a list maker.. I am a control freak I can't help it I try to relax and sometimes I am able to and others I cant
Friday, April 29, 2011
I can't walk on water...
I wish I could reach out to someone.. someone in particular.. and tell her how dosh darn amazing she is.. this girl has an amazing smile, inside and out she is amazing. I wish she could believe in herself HALF as much as I believe in her. She is awesome..if there was anything I could do to make her see what I see i know she would be as enamoured with herself as I am....
Why is it so hard to be honest with people. I don't mean the little things. But when you see someone heading down a path that is destined for disaster... it breaks my heart to think of someone making a mistake that can forever alter their path in a negative way. I had to for the first time in my "parenting history" make a decision FOR someone else today. It should have been easy but it was so hard. I have always said I will always allow my kids to choose for themselves and I will support their choices. I just coudln't do it in this instance. I see how amazing she is and what she is worth and for whatever reason she has been refusing to see her own worth. I made her remove one major obstacle. I know she will better for it, and I know she knows it to but it is still so hard to TELL someone else they can not choose this option.
I am so thankful for my family tonight. I have had a very busy last few days but somehow I have taken the time to really stop and think about the things I have that have allowed me to love my life the way I do. I have decided that even though my body is failing me I am not going to let the depressed feeling I have regarding this define me. I am not going to let it decide my happyness. I am going to a great event next weekend for Advocare with an amazing group of friends that I know will always have my back. I am excited to get excited again. I have really been struggling with ME... not physically..most days anyway.. but just ME I have been working on myself really hard lately and sometimes when you work on yourself you discover things about yourself that you do not like. I know it will suprise some of you but I am NOT perfect.. amazing right? yea I was pretty astounded as well haha but really I have faults and although they are not new to me they have really grabbed ahold of me lately and used my bodys issues to wage a war against everything I am working so hard to be. I am not quiting, I never quit.. I never even contemplated quiting but at some point not putting your all into something is just as bad as quitting..
so tonite I am signing out wtih this though
if the truth is hard, do not hide from it just give it with love. Honesty is AlWAYS the best policy. If you have someone in your life that you love make sure you tell them....
I LOVE YOU MY FAMILY.. no matter how "unconventional" it is!
Why is it so hard to be honest with people. I don't mean the little things. But when you see someone heading down a path that is destined for disaster... it breaks my heart to think of someone making a mistake that can forever alter their path in a negative way. I had to for the first time in my "parenting history" make a decision FOR someone else today. It should have been easy but it was so hard. I have always said I will always allow my kids to choose for themselves and I will support their choices. I just coudln't do it in this instance. I see how amazing she is and what she is worth and for whatever reason she has been refusing to see her own worth. I made her remove one major obstacle. I know she will better for it, and I know she knows it to but it is still so hard to TELL someone else they can not choose this option.
I am so thankful for my family tonight. I have had a very busy last few days but somehow I have taken the time to really stop and think about the things I have that have allowed me to love my life the way I do. I have decided that even though my body is failing me I am not going to let the depressed feeling I have regarding this define me. I am not going to let it decide my happyness. I am going to a great event next weekend for Advocare with an amazing group of friends that I know will always have my back. I am excited to get excited again. I have really been struggling with ME... not physically..most days anyway.. but just ME I have been working on myself really hard lately and sometimes when you work on yourself you discover things about yourself that you do not like. I know it will suprise some of you but I am NOT perfect.. amazing right? yea I was pretty astounded as well haha but really I have faults and although they are not new to me they have really grabbed ahold of me lately and used my bodys issues to wage a war against everything I am working so hard to be. I am not quiting, I never quit.. I never even contemplated quiting but at some point not putting your all into something is just as bad as quitting..
so tonite I am signing out wtih this though
if the truth is hard, do not hide from it just give it with love. Honesty is AlWAYS the best policy. If you have someone in your life that you love make sure you tell them....
I LOVE YOU MY FAMILY.. no matter how "unconventional" it is!
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