so many times in my life I have put on the smile and pretended things are great. I hate that. I hate that I have to pretend anything is what it is not. I love my life. The people in it for the most part are people that I choose to surround myself with. I do not have people in my life that I have to have, I have people that I want to have. EVERYONE... well except my children. But even them for the most part are people that I want to surround myself with. They are amazing young adults.
Why is it then that I can be sitting on my computer after midnight, bawling my eyes out. Broken promises, no matter how little or how hollow hurt. They burn, sting and bring back feelings of being alone in a dark trailer wondering if anyone was coming home that day. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I lay in bed still as I can, most of the time crying into a pillow so as to not disturb anyone. I hurt inside. I know why.. I know what promises have been broken both continually and now and again. For the most part they make sense. But other times they don't.
I keep coming back to this sexual issue. I am young, 28. I am in a relationship with someone that I love so very deeply that my arms literally ache whenever he is not here. I want to be near him, both sexually and not as much as I can be. This however is not always reciprocated. I know I am loved, I know I am loved as deeply as I love him however I have never been in a situation where I am turned down for sex. I get the mathematical reasoning. It is midnight he only has 4 hours until work (this is all made up just saying) but it does not make it not hurt, the rejection even if just temporary, for the evening or the moment hurts. Brings me straight back to feeling as though there is something wrong with me. I have found myself sitting in my bathroom with the fan on (its loud) bawling, wondering sometimes even out loud. What is wrong with me. Why can't I be wanted, loved and yearned for in the same way I feel for him. In my mind I know this is silly... or do I? if I am hurting so bad inside from all of this do I really know this in my mind or am I simply stating the obvious reasons hoping it will make me feel better.
I realize that the world does not want to hear about my sex life, and I understand that my husband may not even want me to post about it, but at this point I am feeling very rejected, hurting and decided that it was better for me to take my frustration out here, somewhere that the words can be erased if needed later on.
My sex life is great, we connect, there is something to be said about sex with someone you love, I mean genuinely truly LOVE.. not just the word love. Before my marriage ( yes current because I have been married before..) I didn't even know there was a difference. There is, a very serious difference. There is saying I love you, and thinking you mean it. Well maybe even really meaning it in one sense or another. Then there is LOVE.. I call this FIBER LOVE.. I love him with every fiber of my being, cliche huh? its true. When he is not here I miss him, I mean when he is AT WORK FOR THE DAY I miss him sometimes bad enough to cry! My arms ache when we are apart for days. I seriously considered shortening the best vacation of my life just because I wanted a hug,. I don't know how to explain it better than saying, there are times my chest (not my heart.. my chest) literally gets heavy and aches, as if I am having a panic attack, just because I miss him. I have never had this kind of love before. I HAVE to hear his voice, know he is thinking of me, touch him, smell him. Now this is not to say that we can't handle time apart. God knows we can (thank you to the US ARMY) we have spent plenty of time apart. And thankfully been able to stay in pretty constant communication (if that is what you want to call it)
SO I realized I just went on a little bunny trail. So what I was saying is simply this. Sex is completely different when you are enjoying it with someone that you love withe very fiber of your being, it is beyond the animal rush and feelings that come with intercourse and include love, tenderness and even self esteem. Silly how we let other affect how we feel about ourselves but we do!
I have always let people think that I am this strong confident woman that does not care what others think about me, LIAR, I have told myself for so long that tears are a sign of weakness that I even believe it. UGH... however there is nothing I have come across that puts me in tears faster than the rejection with an inevitable broken promise. "Baby, I am just not in the mood for sex right now, tonight I promise" yea well that is rejection in its finest, leaves me feeling like.. SERIOUSLY A MAN NOT IN THE MOOD.. is that even possible? apparently it is... and tonight I promise, that almost hurts as much because my husband is the kind of guy that keeps his word, he is a person that follows through and does not purposely set out to hurt anyone HOWEVER tonightPTSD but that does not stop the little girl inside of me from coming out SCREAMING... why...
why can't I ever trust people? why do people always make plans then cancel? why am I so anal about keeping plans I make (for the most part) this for the record is why I drag my feet about making plans until I am 99% SURE I can keep them. I hate the thought of being the person to hurt someone else like this (for example I was brought to tears uncontrollably in front of people GASP because I thought I hurt A the other night.. she came in and we fixed it but I don't think I could have forgiven myself for that one!)
I have no idea if this even makes sense, I know I am tired, sexual deprived, depressed, hot (the fan is NOT cooling me off grr) and now nauseous (stupid crying)
But I guess the whole point of this blog was to say PTSD YOU SUCK... I HATE YOU... GO AWAY.. I want sex, I want my husband and I want both WITHOUT YOU INVOLVED....grrrrr
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
happy+hurt...what wins?
what a day, what a week, what life. Yup what a life I lead. I have an amazing one don't I.
Today started out great, I had my kids with me, breakfast in bed, brunch with more family and swimming with the kids. It was a great day! How is it that you can have such an amazing day yet have your heart hurt at the same time. I wanted nothing more than all of my kids together for mothers day. I coudln't help but take it personally when the one child we have "adopted" choose to spend the day with her biological mother. It was so hard to watch her run out the door, excited to get back to the day she was leading there. I understand why it is that she wanted to be there (now I do anyway) however understanding something in your head and being okay with it in your heart is two different things.
You see this daughter of mine is amazing. I am the one she comes to when she needs advice, information, help, money, support, insurance, love, a home you name it My husband and I are her parents in every respect of the word. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know she loves us, I know she loves ME I know this.. I really do. But it was so hard to not let the hurt take over today. I couldn't help but check my phone feverishly every time it went off just in case it was her. Then when it finally was her I found myself so hurt that I felt like the only reason she said the words "happy mothers day" was because someone reminded her to say so. I have no idea if someone did or not but it didn't matter.
I told her how hurt I was, assured her I loved her anyway but the hurt was still there. She apologized prefusely and assured me she would make it up to me, how does one make up hurt? I told her that I just need her to realize how ones actions can affect someone else. She said she would but how can one judge that.
I struggle with my feelings of guilt when it comes to the kids, I feel like a softy. I am the one that will say, I feel bad doing this. And when it comes to the oldest ones I tend to bite my tongue so that I don't hurt anyones feelings. I love everyone in my family so very much I don't want it to change. Well thats not true.. but I don't want hurt feelings, or bad blood between anyone.
I am so excited we leave for Hawaii on Tuesday.. techincally that is TOMORROW (it is almost 1am)
I guess I am writing this only to sort through my feelings of hurt, sadness and guilt of being mean. I guess I have to work through all of this now, before the other kids are old enough to get one over on me. I believe God has put this and all obstacles up to this in my path for a reason... this to will make me stronger...
Today started out great, I had my kids with me, breakfast in bed, brunch with more family and swimming with the kids. It was a great day! How is it that you can have such an amazing day yet have your heart hurt at the same time. I wanted nothing more than all of my kids together for mothers day. I coudln't help but take it personally when the one child we have "adopted" choose to spend the day with her biological mother. It was so hard to watch her run out the door, excited to get back to the day she was leading there. I understand why it is that she wanted to be there (now I do anyway) however understanding something in your head and being okay with it in your heart is two different things.
You see this daughter of mine is amazing. I am the one she comes to when she needs advice, information, help, money, support, insurance, love, a home you name it My husband and I are her parents in every respect of the word. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know she loves us, I know she loves ME I know this.. I really do. But it was so hard to not let the hurt take over today. I couldn't help but check my phone feverishly every time it went off just in case it was her. Then when it finally was her I found myself so hurt that I felt like the only reason she said the words "happy mothers day" was because someone reminded her to say so. I have no idea if someone did or not but it didn't matter.
I told her how hurt I was, assured her I loved her anyway but the hurt was still there. She apologized prefusely and assured me she would make it up to me, how does one make up hurt? I told her that I just need her to realize how ones actions can affect someone else. She said she would but how can one judge that.
I struggle with my feelings of guilt when it comes to the kids, I feel like a softy. I am the one that will say, I feel bad doing this. And when it comes to the oldest ones I tend to bite my tongue so that I don't hurt anyones feelings. I love everyone in my family so very much I don't want it to change. Well thats not true.. but I don't want hurt feelings, or bad blood between anyone.
I am so excited we leave for Hawaii on Tuesday.. techincally that is TOMORROW (it is almost 1am)
I guess I am writing this only to sort through my feelings of hurt, sadness and guilt of being mean. I guess I have to work through all of this now, before the other kids are old enough to get one over on me. I believe God has put this and all obstacles up to this in my path for a reason... this to will make me stronger...
Thursday, May 5, 2011
fear....
Its official I am becoming one with my fear. I am not invincable and I am learning to be okay with that. Tomorrow is my first official test with my new Gastrointerologist. He is concerned that I may be suffering from Colon Cancer. I do not truly believe this is the case but I can't help but be paralzed with fear every now and then. I honestly do not know what I would do if A was not by my side for all of these appts. My husband has to work and my mom really can't be out in public to much do to her own health issues. I have my barium study tomorrow. Intially anyway.I don't know if they will be doing more or not, it depends on scheduling. I am trying so hard to hold everything together, or maybe I am just trying to hold it all in, I am not sure.
I am so emotional the last couple days, I can honestly say I am not sure if it is anxiety or "that time of the month" btu I know I find myself crying for no reason, and sleeping so very much. I know the reason for the sleepy, well I am assuming it is from everything going on with my body. I am still making it to my workouts, but I swear a day without a nap is hard! I need to get me fixed. The only thing that seems to give me energy lately is Spark (love ADVOCARE) and working out. I love it, I feel so motivated and proud of myself, I wish I was seeing more weight loss but I am sure I will get over this hump.
I hate the days that I feel vulnerable and scared of what is to come. I hate feeling like the marter in our family and I hate that there is no easy button in life. I love that I have an amazing family, I love that my health is important to me, I love that I have at least 10 reasons to smile every morning, I love that I have more love than hate in my life... I love that I leave for hawaii in FIVE days hehe....
I felt like I was going to get on here and really just emotionally let go tonite. Admit that I want to cry, admit that I am scared beyond words.. I thought for sure this was going to be a really long blog. But I am suprising myself that its not. I have never been one to admit fear, let alone be okay with it. I am NOT okay with it. I am not one that you will see crying in a corner, or shaking in my shoes. I am that one that is scared or uncomfertable and cracking jokes to keep the mood light. The more uncomfertable I am the more jokes I am making. That is just who I ahve always been, its easier to laugh then cry, not to mention I am NOT one of those people that can be pretty while they are crying. I am an UGLY cryer, puffy eyes, snotty nose. Yea you know what I mean!
I do not want bad news from this test.... but to be honest I think I will be more devastated with NO news. I have been getting NO answers for to long now, I am always in pain yet no one knows why... its a mystery that drives me insane. I feel like I overcame one thing just to be hit by another. When I hurt my back 15 months ago it took what seemed like forever for me to recover, it was horrible. I was facing back surgery at 28 years old. This was not okay. I pushed myself harder that any physical therapist would and began to see improvment, I spend most days pain free (in regards to my back) now, I know thsi will be a life long problem but I think I can manage it medication free. THEN BAM this happens I swear. I hate taking pain medication. I hate being dependent on anything I hate taking anything that can make you dependent. But here I am again, most evenings needing something for the pain, I need it during the day as well but 85% of the time I take nothing, the fear of actually becoming dependant on something like that is imobalizing to me. I can NEVER become thaperson.
At this point I can actually say, any answer would be a relief. I know that sounds niave and maybe I should be careful what I ask for but in reality I can work with anything, as long as I know what I am working with. I feel like the love and bond that my family, and extended family, has for me will pull me through anything but it is pretty hard to pull somebody through something when you don't know what you are pulling against. I can't help but wonder if peopkle think I am faking or full of it. I start every conversation with doctors saying the same thing, "I do not want pain medication. I just want an answer" it dosen't matter I usually leave with a perscription and no answers :( but hopefully, God willing we are moving one step closer.... to the truth one step closer to an answer and maybe, just maybe... one step closer to a cure....
well my lovely followers I must rest.. my amazing boys are coming home tomorrow and I am down to just 5 days till I leave for Hawaii and I haven't even made my packing list (if you know me this is AMAZING!) I will however have it all doen by this weekend and have all non-essential items packed. I can't wait.
I am so emotional the last couple days, I can honestly say I am not sure if it is anxiety or "that time of the month" btu I know I find myself crying for no reason, and sleeping so very much. I know the reason for the sleepy, well I am assuming it is from everything going on with my body. I am still making it to my workouts, but I swear a day without a nap is hard! I need to get me fixed. The only thing that seems to give me energy lately is Spark (love ADVOCARE) and working out. I love it, I feel so motivated and proud of myself, I wish I was seeing more weight loss but I am sure I will get over this hump.
I hate the days that I feel vulnerable and scared of what is to come. I hate feeling like the marter in our family and I hate that there is no easy button in life. I love that I have an amazing family, I love that my health is important to me, I love that I have at least 10 reasons to smile every morning, I love that I have more love than hate in my life... I love that I leave for hawaii in FIVE days hehe....
I felt like I was going to get on here and really just emotionally let go tonite. Admit that I want to cry, admit that I am scared beyond words.. I thought for sure this was going to be a really long blog. But I am suprising myself that its not. I have never been one to admit fear, let alone be okay with it. I am NOT okay with it. I am not one that you will see crying in a corner, or shaking in my shoes. I am that one that is scared or uncomfertable and cracking jokes to keep the mood light. The more uncomfertable I am the more jokes I am making. That is just who I ahve always been, its easier to laugh then cry, not to mention I am NOT one of those people that can be pretty while they are crying. I am an UGLY cryer, puffy eyes, snotty nose. Yea you know what I mean!
I do not want bad news from this test.... but to be honest I think I will be more devastated with NO news. I have been getting NO answers for to long now, I am always in pain yet no one knows why... its a mystery that drives me insane. I feel like I overcame one thing just to be hit by another. When I hurt my back 15 months ago it took what seemed like forever for me to recover, it was horrible. I was facing back surgery at 28 years old. This was not okay. I pushed myself harder that any physical therapist would and began to see improvment, I spend most days pain free (in regards to my back) now, I know thsi will be a life long problem but I think I can manage it medication free. THEN BAM this happens I swear. I hate taking pain medication. I hate being dependent on anything I hate taking anything that can make you dependent. But here I am again, most evenings needing something for the pain, I need it during the day as well but 85% of the time I take nothing, the fear of actually becoming dependant on something like that is imobalizing to me. I can NEVER become thaperson.
At this point I can actually say, any answer would be a relief. I know that sounds niave and maybe I should be careful what I ask for but in reality I can work with anything, as long as I know what I am working with. I feel like the love and bond that my family, and extended family, has for me will pull me through anything but it is pretty hard to pull somebody through something when you don't know what you are pulling against. I can't help but wonder if peopkle think I am faking or full of it. I start every conversation with doctors saying the same thing, "I do not want pain medication. I just want an answer" it dosen't matter I usually leave with a perscription and no answers :( but hopefully, God willing we are moving one step closer.... to the truth one step closer to an answer and maybe, just maybe... one step closer to a cure....
well my lovely followers I must rest.. my amazing boys are coming home tomorrow and I am down to just 5 days till I leave for Hawaii and I haven't even made my packing list (if you know me this is AMAZING!) I will however have it all doen by this weekend and have all non-essential items packed. I can't wait.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
the ME I want to be!
Today I went to the GI specialist regarding the pain in my abdomen, it is unforgiving pain I swear. The appointment started off as any other, please tell me the whole story....well I did, The doctor told me that he was suspecting that I was suffering from scar tissue, however he also said that he was still waiting for the nursed to pull up the records from all of the testing I have had in the last month. While we were talking the nurse came in with all of the paperwork. After going over everything. The doctor asked to begin the physical examination. Not much has changed, pain pain pain. While as the doctor is doing the examination I quickly realized this was not the same. He was pushing in different areas, he was causing different pain. I noticed the difference easily. As did my "daughter" that was with me. When the exam was over the doctor helped me sit up and he told me that he has only had 4 patients that needed as many colonoscopys as I have had in this short of a time and 3 of them had cancer. The doctor told me that he would be surprised if what I am suffering from is not serious. He told me that he has been doing this job for 18 years and in this time he had never been surprised yet. He told me the slew of tests he wants to start with, he told me about the diet changes I need to make and reminded me that he thinks we are dealing with something serious.
Many people would be freaked out at this news, however I had no reaction,. I looked at A and told her, I am to stubborn for this, Which quickly turned into the joke that I am way to cool for cancer, Cancer was so yesterday lol. I left it at that. Didn't think about it just let it go. As the day went on I still didn't think about it, didn't want to. I had a hair appointment and we had Zumba at 5:30.
When I got home I was just exhausted, to much UP time for my tummy.. well I laid in bed and just kind of chewed on my day. A lot went on today. But in reality there is more than many know. Financial issues seem to be bearing their head a lot lately. We are surviving but not the way we should. I collect unemployment however my ex-husband has begun to collect state assistant for himself and our boys that we share custody of. Because of this the state has decided that I should pay child support TO MY EX. My ex just needed to send ONE piece of paper to stop the collection but surprise surprise he didn't. Which lead to me requesting a trial with child support as they are now withholding my unemployment. they were going to be sending it to my ex but because I requested the hearing they are now HOLDING the money not giving it to him but it is still not in my hand where it belongs.
Well because of this I have been holding a lot of anxiety inside. I have felt so guilty since I have not been working because my husband goes to work every single day. To support us, to take care of us and to do what is best for us. I hate that the financial stress is on him every day as well as the work and everything else. I spend some days ridden with guilt, I just want to free him of that. I have decided that I will throw myself back into my Advocare business as well as the newest adventure I am looking forward to getting involved with. I am going to support my husband and our family in the best way I can. I laid in bed with my husband tonight and cried, and cried and cried. He put his arms around me and assured me over and over again that he loves me. He told me that he would rather me not be working right now, he told me I have to take care of my health. He told me he loves coming home from work and seeing me with our children. He said that he loves seeing the pride on my face when I get my Advocare check every other week. I couldn't help but feel the love from him tonite. I know that God has placed certain people in my life right now. I know that God has my best interests at heart.
I have had an amazing man, Uncle John, given to me. To support me, love me and let me vent, I have my husband who supports me and reassures me when even I know I sound silly. God has most recently put A in my life. Reminding me how wonderful it is to have a new love in your life. I have T-J-J-C&G in my life every day, reminding me why I love being a mom. I love these children more every day. And these children are helping me work on myself daily and they don't even know it!
I think the most amazing things that were said to me tonite
Tomorrow I am going to meet a great friend for Zumba, we will work out, I just need her company along with my girls. I have been so angry with myself for the way my body has been reacting to life. I hate that I am finally for the first time in my life been making consistent healthy choices, I eat right I exercise and I am getting healthier every day. But once again my body is failing me, pain for no apparent reason. Vomiting a couple times a day, its like I am pregnant without the amazingly wonderful side affects from pregnancy. the pain makes me vomit, the vomit makes me vomit ugh its an ugly cycle with my wonderful body. I have recognized the ugly head of depression that has began rearing its head back into my life. I know I have talked about it. this in the past but recently I have finally decided to fix it. And like I tell the girls in the house the only person in charge of my behavior is ME. I have to take charge to be the best me I can, it is the best way to honor God and my family. I am going to be ME, I will have my hard days, my bad days and even the days that I want to quit but I am going to continue to be me. The me that I like.
AND I leave for Hawaii in LESS than a week whoo hooo
Many people would be freaked out at this news, however I had no reaction,. I looked at A and told her, I am to stubborn for this, Which quickly turned into the joke that I am way to cool for cancer, Cancer was so yesterday lol. I left it at that. Didn't think about it just let it go. As the day went on I still didn't think about it, didn't want to. I had a hair appointment and we had Zumba at 5:30.
When I got home I was just exhausted, to much UP time for my tummy.. well I laid in bed and just kind of chewed on my day. A lot went on today. But in reality there is more than many know. Financial issues seem to be bearing their head a lot lately. We are surviving but not the way we should. I collect unemployment however my ex-husband has begun to collect state assistant for himself and our boys that we share custody of. Because of this the state has decided that I should pay child support TO MY EX. My ex just needed to send ONE piece of paper to stop the collection but surprise surprise he didn't. Which lead to me requesting a trial with child support as they are now withholding my unemployment. they were going to be sending it to my ex but because I requested the hearing they are now HOLDING the money not giving it to him but it is still not in my hand where it belongs.
Well because of this I have been holding a lot of anxiety inside. I have felt so guilty since I have not been working because my husband goes to work every single day. To support us, to take care of us and to do what is best for us. I hate that the financial stress is on him every day as well as the work and everything else. I spend some days ridden with guilt, I just want to free him of that. I have decided that I will throw myself back into my Advocare business as well as the newest adventure I am looking forward to getting involved with. I am going to support my husband and our family in the best way I can. I laid in bed with my husband tonight and cried, and cried and cried. He put his arms around me and assured me over and over again that he loves me. He told me that he would rather me not be working right now, he told me I have to take care of my health. He told me he loves coming home from work and seeing me with our children. He said that he loves seeing the pride on my face when I get my Advocare check every other week. I couldn't help but feel the love from him tonite. I know that God has placed certain people in my life right now. I know that God has my best interests at heart.
I have had an amazing man, Uncle John, given to me. To support me, love me and let me vent, I have my husband who supports me and reassures me when even I know I sound silly. God has most recently put A in my life. Reminding me how wonderful it is to have a new love in your life. I have T-J-J-C&G in my life every day, reminding me why I love being a mom. I love these children more every day. And these children are helping me work on myself daily and they don't even know it!
I think the most amazing things that were said to me tonite
Tomorrow I am going to meet a great friend for Zumba, we will work out, I just need her company along with my girls. I have been so angry with myself for the way my body has been reacting to life. I hate that I am finally for the first time in my life been making consistent healthy choices, I eat right I exercise and I am getting healthier every day. But once again my body is failing me, pain for no apparent reason. Vomiting a couple times a day, its like I am pregnant without the amazingly wonderful side affects from pregnancy. the pain makes me vomit, the vomit makes me vomit ugh its an ugly cycle with my wonderful body. I have recognized the ugly head of depression that has began rearing its head back into my life. I know I have talked about it. this in the past but recently I have finally decided to fix it. And like I tell the girls in the house the only person in charge of my behavior is ME. I have to take charge to be the best me I can, it is the best way to honor God and my family. I am going to be ME, I will have my hard days, my bad days and even the days that I want to quit but I am going to continue to be me. The me that I like.
AND I leave for Hawaii in LESS than a week whoo hooo
Monday, May 2, 2011
smile at least ONCE today
Man I layed in the dark, next to the love of my life, begging for sleep to find me... but NOPE my mind is racing with Hawaii and packing and appointments ugh.. so I get my computer out just to find I am yawning like crazy.
So today I was faced with some stuff. It was hard to face. Even harder to not know what to say. My husband and I have been blessed to be able to provide a wonderful home to our children and for whatever reason have been able to provide a stable home for a couple extras as well. Not always wonderful but stable! We have two great girls living with us that remind me of myself in so many ways, but both for different reasons. T has become an amazing woman, learning more about herself everyday. Learning to allow others to teach her, to show her what her consequences may be.. learning.. but doing great! A is the newest addition to our "wobbly" little family. But none the less an important aspect to it already. I have grown to love A as if she is one of my own in a very short time. I have always been able to love others but not neccesariyl to allow them to see me.. the real me.. vulnerable and scared, and see what has got me here. I am letting her in. I am not sure why, maybe to help her, maybe to help me I am not sure. But I could not picture my life without her right now. I look into those brown eyes and I see hurt, anger, grief, lonelieness and the longing to be loved.. but I have to wait until she feels she is worth those things... completly.
I understand what it is to grow up in a home where you always feel like you are #2... second best, not to a person or a thing just to life. In my case I was #2 to alcohol and drugs ... she knows hers. The reality is it does not mater what the #1 is. If a child does not feel as though he/she has that place in your life they might as well be the dirt outside. Not worthy of love or respect, always looking for it somewhere, usually in the wrong place. I remember when I found out i was pregnant at 16 I was excited.. it meant something would love me forever. WOW... So many times people see families from the outside. They see the family that is "well off" maybe seem to be the perfect family. But they are unable to see the inside dynamic. Step families, 1/2 siblings, no siblings.. whatever it is. Many people stop looking at the perfect family at the door. They never see what is going on inside. The do not see the hurt, the mean words, the dirty looks, broken promises and down right pain caused by those that live inside. We as the children are groomed to smile and wave, make the family look perfect. But no one wants to see the pain in the eyes of the child... of the adult... of the person in front of them just begging to FINALLY be accepted.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has choices in their lives that they would change if they could. If they knew the consequences. The true parents in life, the true people that are deserving of that title are the parents that can look PAST the mistake and still love the child. I am not saying a parent should leave themselves open to be taken advantage of, nor should they continue to coddle a child that has clearly left the nest. Sometimes loving a child is kicking them out, but still answering their phone calls. Setting boundaries but still saying I love you. A real parent loves their child THROUGH the mistake.
It is so hard for me to have "adults" in my life that have been hurt since childhood, programmed to think they are not worth genuine unconditional love. I think it is so hard for me not because I can't handle their pain but because I feel my own with it. I have struggled so long with fear of alcohol. Hatred of drugs. And anger toward my mother and step father that I thought I had long before let go of. I am able to move forward wtih my mother as she has accepted responsibility for her actions, she realizes what she did. However my step father has had no reprucussions, even as an adult I have tried to help him, bail him out of jail. Just to have my heart broken again, broken promises and incomplete truths. I wish I could just not believe him but their is always part of a daughters heart that believes her "daddy" will save her no matter what. HAHAHA
It is so hard tolook at a human being that you have began to love and see them cry due to the pain (emotionally) that has been inflicted upon them by someone that is suppose to love them. Is suppose to be a parent. Why can't people understand that words hurt. They may just be words but they hurt and a simple flamboyant "im sorry' does not make them go away. It does not remove the hurt, the tears or the anger. It does nothing but make the bearer of the mean words feel even more guilty for being angry. My husband is guilty of this, he will say something that is hurtful or not thinka bout what he is really saying, he will be in a bad mood and ruin everyones day then when he is done with whatever is bothering him he wants to continue like NOTHING ever happened. GRR that makes me so mad I always feel like my hurt feelings and anger mean nothing to him. I hate that feeling.
So how should a child deal with those feelings from a parent. The people that are suppse to love and support us through anything. I believe the only thing we as adults can do is stand tall. Accept the information that is pertinant to the situation and trash the rest. easier said than done! I believe that the person recieveing the information has to look at the whole situation, look at the soured relationship and think back to a time when it was not, remember that time. Is the situation salvagable. Be honest with yourself you are an adult do you even want to TRY to salvage it? As an adult I learned, I do not have to LIKE my family. I do have to LOVE them ( I am not speaking about my hubby and kids here lol) but I don'thave to like what they do or accept it in my life. I have had a family member that manipulated situations, caused drama and hurt and I choose to remove that from my life. I still love this person but I no longer associate with them in anyway. My life has been very drama free since!
I have no idea why I am writing this blog tonite, I am tired and just needed to think of something other than my girls, how upset they can be... all three of my girls are amazing to me. Today was a beautiful day, we spent the day shopping and ended with a nice hike (ended short due to SNAKES eewww) a visit to the river and ice cream stop! the dog loved it to! we had a great time however the truth is we were just preparing to GO TO HAWAII...
I have my TO DO list written.. some of the things are write letters to the kids, record a couple books for Gman and make appointments. Well I better get some rest so I can get on that. Sleep well and know that it is important to smile at LEAST once a day, someone is in love with that smile and it would be mean to withold it from them!
So today I was faced with some stuff. It was hard to face. Even harder to not know what to say. My husband and I have been blessed to be able to provide a wonderful home to our children and for whatever reason have been able to provide a stable home for a couple extras as well. Not always wonderful but stable! We have two great girls living with us that remind me of myself in so many ways, but both for different reasons. T has become an amazing woman, learning more about herself everyday. Learning to allow others to teach her, to show her what her consequences may be.. learning.. but doing great! A is the newest addition to our "wobbly" little family. But none the less an important aspect to it already. I have grown to love A as if she is one of my own in a very short time. I have always been able to love others but not neccesariyl to allow them to see me.. the real me.. vulnerable and scared, and see what has got me here. I am letting her in. I am not sure why, maybe to help her, maybe to help me I am not sure. But I could not picture my life without her right now. I look into those brown eyes and I see hurt, anger, grief, lonelieness and the longing to be loved.. but I have to wait until she feels she is worth those things... completly.
I understand what it is to grow up in a home where you always feel like you are #2... second best, not to a person or a thing just to life. In my case I was #2 to alcohol and drugs ... she knows hers. The reality is it does not mater what the #1 is. If a child does not feel as though he/she has that place in your life they might as well be the dirt outside. Not worthy of love or respect, always looking for it somewhere, usually in the wrong place. I remember when I found out i was pregnant at 16 I was excited.. it meant something would love me forever. WOW... So many times people see families from the outside. They see the family that is "well off" maybe seem to be the perfect family. But they are unable to see the inside dynamic. Step families, 1/2 siblings, no siblings.. whatever it is. Many people stop looking at the perfect family at the door. They never see what is going on inside. The do not see the hurt, the mean words, the dirty looks, broken promises and down right pain caused by those that live inside. We as the children are groomed to smile and wave, make the family look perfect. But no one wants to see the pain in the eyes of the child... of the adult... of the person in front of them just begging to FINALLY be accepted.
Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has choices in their lives that they would change if they could. If they knew the consequences. The true parents in life, the true people that are deserving of that title are the parents that can look PAST the mistake and still love the child. I am not saying a parent should leave themselves open to be taken advantage of, nor should they continue to coddle a child that has clearly left the nest. Sometimes loving a child is kicking them out, but still answering their phone calls. Setting boundaries but still saying I love you. A real parent loves their child THROUGH the mistake.
It is so hard for me to have "adults" in my life that have been hurt since childhood, programmed to think they are not worth genuine unconditional love. I think it is so hard for me not because I can't handle their pain but because I feel my own with it. I have struggled so long with fear of alcohol. Hatred of drugs. And anger toward my mother and step father that I thought I had long before let go of. I am able to move forward wtih my mother as she has accepted responsibility for her actions, she realizes what she did. However my step father has had no reprucussions, even as an adult I have tried to help him, bail him out of jail. Just to have my heart broken again, broken promises and incomplete truths. I wish I could just not believe him but their is always part of a daughters heart that believes her "daddy" will save her no matter what. HAHAHA
It is so hard tolook at a human being that you have began to love and see them cry due to the pain (emotionally) that has been inflicted upon them by someone that is suppose to love them. Is suppose to be a parent. Why can't people understand that words hurt. They may just be words but they hurt and a simple flamboyant "im sorry' does not make them go away. It does not remove the hurt, the tears or the anger. It does nothing but make the bearer of the mean words feel even more guilty for being angry. My husband is guilty of this, he will say something that is hurtful or not thinka bout what he is really saying, he will be in a bad mood and ruin everyones day then when he is done with whatever is bothering him he wants to continue like NOTHING ever happened. GRR that makes me so mad I always feel like my hurt feelings and anger mean nothing to him. I hate that feeling.
So how should a child deal with those feelings from a parent. The people that are suppse to love and support us through anything. I believe the only thing we as adults can do is stand tall. Accept the information that is pertinant to the situation and trash the rest. easier said than done! I believe that the person recieveing the information has to look at the whole situation, look at the soured relationship and think back to a time when it was not, remember that time. Is the situation salvagable. Be honest with yourself you are an adult do you even want to TRY to salvage it? As an adult I learned, I do not have to LIKE my family. I do have to LOVE them ( I am not speaking about my hubby and kids here lol) but I don'thave to like what they do or accept it in my life. I have had a family member that manipulated situations, caused drama and hurt and I choose to remove that from my life. I still love this person but I no longer associate with them in anyway. My life has been very drama free since!
I have no idea why I am writing this blog tonite, I am tired and just needed to think of something other than my girls, how upset they can be... all three of my girls are amazing to me. Today was a beautiful day, we spent the day shopping and ended with a nice hike (ended short due to SNAKES eewww) a visit to the river and ice cream stop! the dog loved it to! we had a great time however the truth is we were just preparing to GO TO HAWAII...
I have my TO DO list written.. some of the things are write letters to the kids, record a couple books for Gman and make appointments. Well I better get some rest so I can get on that. Sleep well and know that it is important to smile at LEAST once a day, someone is in love with that smile and it would be mean to withold it from them!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
how many times?
How many times can you tell someone something before you have the right to be upset with them for not listening. I swear. I can say over and over and over again what it is that I NEED yet I get the opposite. I know i should not complain, I have an amazing life. I have so much to be thankful but it drives me crazy.
So the reason for my blog tonite. My children see a counselor. Between dealing with deployments and just general life I thought it was good for my children to have somewhere safe that they can unload. Periodically I meet with the counselor to discuss progress, and what I am seeing at home as they usually do not coinside with eachother.
This meeting was about my daughter. She is an amazing creature but very emotional. In reality what I have to say in this blog has nothing to do with her at all. While talking to the counselor about ways we could deal with her "emotional" moments. I was able to once again reflect on myself again.
I have learne that I have hard time when she has emotional break downs because of my mothers drinking when i was a child. I litteraly SHUT DOWN when someone is crying for what I see to be no reason. I have no empathy for them, no sympathy NOTHING. I have no emotion. This being said if someone is hurt and crying it does not upset or bother me. But the emotional crying drives me crazy I get upset when she gets emotional. I hate blabimg my issues on anyone but the counselor helped me see that because of the way I was "programmed" as a child I had to shut down when my mother was crying (emotional alcoholic) so as a child I knew I couldn't fix the upset adult so I shut down. Now as an aduly I still shut down when someone cries.
I can't help but wonder if I am ever going to get over this. Sometimes it is so hard for me to hug my own child when they are upset because I am having to force myself to fake empathy. I have learned that I need to learn patience, learn to be patient with others as well as myself. I have learned that I am the way I am emotionally because I was programed this way. I have to learn to be a better person emotionally for my children. I do not want them to have the same restrictions emotionally that I have.
I am slowly learning to allow others to love me. I have no problem loving others, I tend to maybe give my love away to easily sometimes. But I do not let many people in. I am always afraid of being hurt. Getting let down or having promises broken that I so desperatly want to believe.
I have spent most of my life getting let down. I have had parents, family, lovers, friends, and many others tell me something, let me believe something or even promise me soemthing just to take it back. Let me down and break my heart. It hurts so much when you want something plan for it, dream of it then just have it all taken away. I remember being a kid, we lived in a trailer park, my mom was going somewhere and she told me the night before I could go. One of her friends at the last minute was able to go so she told me that morning that I wasn't going, I remember looking out of the window, hands on the window (like in a movie) crying.. bawling...feeling so alone.. left..abandoned. She came home but I remember hurting so bad staring out the window hoping she would come back for me... she didn't. I remember having planned for weeks to go to my grandmas for a family reunioin, my aunt was suppose to pick me up. The apartment we lived in had a locking door and my mom was suppose to unlock it. She didn't. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting.. I finally went downstairs just to find a note from my aunt saying she came but I wasn't outside and the door was locked so she left. This was before cell phones (I don't know why she didn't go to a pay phone, I don't know if we even had a phone) I just remember crying and feeling left again.. so alone. unwanted.. wow I am sensing a theme here. Maybe this is why I cry some mornings when my husband leaves for work, I know he has to but I feel so alone... abandoned...
Planning things that I do not control scares me now. I tend to wait to make CONCRETE plans until I know I can control the outcome. It is so hard for me to have a promise broken. Even little things. When someone says "this weekend we will go to the beach" if we don't go I feel betrayed and abandoned. If my husband tells me we are going to go for a run but we don't I feel angry and hurt. But I recognize what is going on now....
Sometimes it is hard to believe that good things are going to happen. I celebrate another day closer to hawaii every day (10 days...well 9 now that its after midnight) but part of me is so reserved, and scared to get excited. Will this feeling ever pass? will I ever be able to just roll with the punches?
I am a list maker.. I am a control freak I can't help it I try to relax and sometimes I am able to and others I cant
So the reason for my blog tonite. My children see a counselor. Between dealing with deployments and just general life I thought it was good for my children to have somewhere safe that they can unload. Periodically I meet with the counselor to discuss progress, and what I am seeing at home as they usually do not coinside with eachother.
This meeting was about my daughter. She is an amazing creature but very emotional. In reality what I have to say in this blog has nothing to do with her at all. While talking to the counselor about ways we could deal with her "emotional" moments. I was able to once again reflect on myself again.
I have learne that I have hard time when she has emotional break downs because of my mothers drinking when i was a child. I litteraly SHUT DOWN when someone is crying for what I see to be no reason. I have no empathy for them, no sympathy NOTHING. I have no emotion. This being said if someone is hurt and crying it does not upset or bother me. But the emotional crying drives me crazy I get upset when she gets emotional. I hate blabimg my issues on anyone but the counselor helped me see that because of the way I was "programmed" as a child I had to shut down when my mother was crying (emotional alcoholic) so as a child I knew I couldn't fix the upset adult so I shut down. Now as an aduly I still shut down when someone cries.
I can't help but wonder if I am ever going to get over this. Sometimes it is so hard for me to hug my own child when they are upset because I am having to force myself to fake empathy. I have learned that I need to learn patience, learn to be patient with others as well as myself. I have learned that I am the way I am emotionally because I was programed this way. I have to learn to be a better person emotionally for my children. I do not want them to have the same restrictions emotionally that I have.
I am slowly learning to allow others to love me. I have no problem loving others, I tend to maybe give my love away to easily sometimes. But I do not let many people in. I am always afraid of being hurt. Getting let down or having promises broken that I so desperatly want to believe.
I have spent most of my life getting let down. I have had parents, family, lovers, friends, and many others tell me something, let me believe something or even promise me soemthing just to take it back. Let me down and break my heart. It hurts so much when you want something plan for it, dream of it then just have it all taken away. I remember being a kid, we lived in a trailer park, my mom was going somewhere and she told me the night before I could go. One of her friends at the last minute was able to go so she told me that morning that I wasn't going, I remember looking out of the window, hands on the window (like in a movie) crying.. bawling...feeling so alone.. left..abandoned. She came home but I remember hurting so bad staring out the window hoping she would come back for me... she didn't. I remember having planned for weeks to go to my grandmas for a family reunioin, my aunt was suppose to pick me up. The apartment we lived in had a locking door and my mom was suppose to unlock it. She didn't. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting.. I finally went downstairs just to find a note from my aunt saying she came but I wasn't outside and the door was locked so she left. This was before cell phones (I don't know why she didn't go to a pay phone, I don't know if we even had a phone) I just remember crying and feeling left again.. so alone. unwanted.. wow I am sensing a theme here. Maybe this is why I cry some mornings when my husband leaves for work, I know he has to but I feel so alone... abandoned...
Planning things that I do not control scares me now. I tend to wait to make CONCRETE plans until I know I can control the outcome. It is so hard for me to have a promise broken. Even little things. When someone says "this weekend we will go to the beach" if we don't go I feel betrayed and abandoned. If my husband tells me we are going to go for a run but we don't I feel angry and hurt. But I recognize what is going on now....
Sometimes it is hard to believe that good things are going to happen. I celebrate another day closer to hawaii every day (10 days...well 9 now that its after midnight) but part of me is so reserved, and scared to get excited. Will this feeling ever pass? will I ever be able to just roll with the punches?
I am a list maker.. I am a control freak I can't help it I try to relax and sometimes I am able to and others I cant
Friday, April 29, 2011
I can't walk on water...
I wish I could reach out to someone.. someone in particular.. and tell her how dosh darn amazing she is.. this girl has an amazing smile, inside and out she is amazing. I wish she could believe in herself HALF as much as I believe in her. She is awesome..if there was anything I could do to make her see what I see i know she would be as enamoured with herself as I am....
Why is it so hard to be honest with people. I don't mean the little things. But when you see someone heading down a path that is destined for disaster... it breaks my heart to think of someone making a mistake that can forever alter their path in a negative way. I had to for the first time in my "parenting history" make a decision FOR someone else today. It should have been easy but it was so hard. I have always said I will always allow my kids to choose for themselves and I will support their choices. I just coudln't do it in this instance. I see how amazing she is and what she is worth and for whatever reason she has been refusing to see her own worth. I made her remove one major obstacle. I know she will better for it, and I know she knows it to but it is still so hard to TELL someone else they can not choose this option.
I am so thankful for my family tonight. I have had a very busy last few days but somehow I have taken the time to really stop and think about the things I have that have allowed me to love my life the way I do. I have decided that even though my body is failing me I am not going to let the depressed feeling I have regarding this define me. I am not going to let it decide my happyness. I am going to a great event next weekend for Advocare with an amazing group of friends that I know will always have my back. I am excited to get excited again. I have really been struggling with ME... not physically..most days anyway.. but just ME I have been working on myself really hard lately and sometimes when you work on yourself you discover things about yourself that you do not like. I know it will suprise some of you but I am NOT perfect.. amazing right? yea I was pretty astounded as well haha but really I have faults and although they are not new to me they have really grabbed ahold of me lately and used my bodys issues to wage a war against everything I am working so hard to be. I am not quiting, I never quit.. I never even contemplated quiting but at some point not putting your all into something is just as bad as quitting..
so tonite I am signing out wtih this though
if the truth is hard, do not hide from it just give it with love. Honesty is AlWAYS the best policy. If you have someone in your life that you love make sure you tell them....
I LOVE YOU MY FAMILY.. no matter how "unconventional" it is!
Why is it so hard to be honest with people. I don't mean the little things. But when you see someone heading down a path that is destined for disaster... it breaks my heart to think of someone making a mistake that can forever alter their path in a negative way. I had to for the first time in my "parenting history" make a decision FOR someone else today. It should have been easy but it was so hard. I have always said I will always allow my kids to choose for themselves and I will support their choices. I just coudln't do it in this instance. I see how amazing she is and what she is worth and for whatever reason she has been refusing to see her own worth. I made her remove one major obstacle. I know she will better for it, and I know she knows it to but it is still so hard to TELL someone else they can not choose this option.
I am so thankful for my family tonight. I have had a very busy last few days but somehow I have taken the time to really stop and think about the things I have that have allowed me to love my life the way I do. I have decided that even though my body is failing me I am not going to let the depressed feeling I have regarding this define me. I am not going to let it decide my happyness. I am going to a great event next weekend for Advocare with an amazing group of friends that I know will always have my back. I am excited to get excited again. I have really been struggling with ME... not physically..most days anyway.. but just ME I have been working on myself really hard lately and sometimes when you work on yourself you discover things about yourself that you do not like. I know it will suprise some of you but I am NOT perfect.. amazing right? yea I was pretty astounded as well haha but really I have faults and although they are not new to me they have really grabbed ahold of me lately and used my bodys issues to wage a war against everything I am working so hard to be. I am not quiting, I never quit.. I never even contemplated quiting but at some point not putting your all into something is just as bad as quitting..
so tonite I am signing out wtih this though
if the truth is hard, do not hide from it just give it with love. Honesty is AlWAYS the best policy. If you have someone in your life that you love make sure you tell them....
I LOVE YOU MY FAMILY.. no matter how "unconventional" it is!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
to YOU KNOW WHO:
hmm I don't even know where to start this... I think tonights blog will be a compulation of letters, same ole same ole no names but feeling none the less
Dear you know who: I wish I could hate you, I really want to hate you. Some of the things you have done and sad are flat out lies. You make yourself look more and more stupid every time you say something that I can prove is completly false. Someday you will realize that you are hurting more than just yourself. On the other thought.. no you won't. This is the problem you don't think you are doing anythign wrong. You think everything is perfect the way it is.... YOU ARE AN IDIOT we all see it... everyone is laughing AT YOU but unfortunatly laughing at you does not make this situation go away. I wish there was an easy button in life that could help me bypass you... I realize I will never be truly rid of you i just wish I could look in your face scream yell spit and punch.. and have no reprocussion. I wish if I did any of that it would do SOME good... but it won't YOU ARE AN IDIOT...
Dear you know who: if there was one thing I could tell you and feel like you would really listen I would start with MIND YOUR OWN DAM BUSINESS... you do not know everything, hell you barely know anything. There is a reason people lie to you, there is a reason people don't call you very often. You are the most judgmental person I know. Yet I love you more than you will ever realize. I know I am like you in so many ways. I wish I could only take the good but I know its a package deal. PLEASE realize what you are doing before I can't hold my tongue any longer. If you realized what you were doing, or realized that I KNOW what youa re doing you would stop because it has been hell holding my tongue and my temper this long... please don't make me do somethign I am sure to regret.
Dear you know who: I promised myself I would never love again. I swore that I would never let myself be deopendent on another human being. I needed NO ONE. I have grown to realize what it is to love someone more than the air you breathe. To love another human (that is not your child) so much that it physically hurts when you are not with them. If I didn't have you in my life I do not know where I would be. I know I would be okay, I know I would be a happy loving mommy... but I also know I would never have learned to love myself the way I do, or to exept my own failures and shortcomings.. you make me a better person. I am always looking forward to our for always.
Dear you know who: I have never met someone that can hurt me so deeply. Cut into my sould with just words, or lack of words. You have found a way to cause pain with out even trying. Making me question every choice I have ever made. Your eyes always build me back up and remind me that I love myself but the fury you can cause makes me want to just punch something, to scream or kick... beg for mercy but I can't, my mouth won't move. You as one single person have caused more tears to come from me than any person in the entire world, not all from anger or hurt. With all of that being said I would never replace you in my life. Even though i have been hurt from yu I have also enjoyed the most intense happy moments with you as well. When you realize that words hurt you will be unstopable as a spouse, friend, employee anything you want. And I will be with you when it happens.
Dear you know who: I don't know why you are so important to me but you are. I have learned to let more people in, in my inner circle. Since we have grown our relationship. I have learned that it is okay to let someone in and get hurt as long as I grow from it. I have learned that sometimes people want to be my friend to just BE MY FRIEND.. not with any motive or malice.. just to be. I have enjoyed pointless conversations for hours and hours only to realize that in reality I am worth friendship. I do deserve to be loved in a platonic fashion. You have given me the chance to love someone only to love them. Not for sex, money or neccessisity. It is amazing what a girl without a childhood can associate friendship with sometimes. Being friends with you has allowed me to grow who I am as a person, a mother, a wife, a friend and most of all as myself. I can never repay you for evrything you have given me but I am looking forward to trying for the rest of MY life.
Dear you know who you are, I love you. I have known you longer than almost anybody in my life. You have gone through so many things with me. It is almost as if I can't remember a single memory without you in it. There are a few years where we were not within each others reach but it is like those years were just a blink now that we are back connected. I love you! I tell you often that I do but I never feel like you quite understand how much. I could not go on with my life in a comfertable healthy fashion without you. You are my rock. The one person that I know NO MATTER how bad I mess up you will be there for me. I know that you are the ONE person I could NEVER ask to bail me out of jail (cause you would be with me LMAO) and that means the world to me. I have the most amazing family and I am proud to group you in with this crazy bunch. You are my heart, if I could keep you with me forever (even when I die because I don't want to share you) I would! I would go to fight for you, I will stand proud with you and to be honest I will never look forward to another day in my life without you in it. I love you!
Dear you know who: I have never understood how your brain works: you had so much going for you. You could have done amazing things. You have amazing family and people that loved you more than you ever deserved. I get so angry when I think of what others had to go through because of your actions. I have lot sleep, tears and felt so guilty because of YOUR choices. You are a horrible person inside. I hurts me to say this because I do not really think you are. I remember late night talks, hearing you say things I really truly believe even now more than 12 years later, WHERE ARE YOU??? the real you? not this drug addicted idiot you have become. I always knew you were a rebel I never thought you would go to college and be the go with the flow kind of person but I never thought you would go this way especially with everything you have to live for. I don't understand how being alone in a 10x10 room sober for the first time in who knows how long could be better than wathcing your childs first day of school, or little league game. I do not understnad how reprocussions that I face for little things can seem so huge to me yet not even affect your life, even though yo have the EXACT same amount of biological responsibility. It is not fair. It is not fair that I have to sit at games in the rain, go to over crowded concerts, stay up late to help with science projects, do laundry, clean up vomit, worry when illness hits and be overprotective when friends come over...yet you will not suffer any of the frustration that comes with that, you will party, live life and enjoy whatever you can. There are days that thsi makes me so angry I can't see straight. Makes me want to scream and cry. Then the nights when it is my name that is called, my hand that soothes the cough or me in the dream they are talking about for their future, the pride comes and washes away the anger. But none of that removes how bad I feel for them. You could have been amazing, really could have been something more.... someday? probably not? somehow? who am I kidding. I know as well as you and everyone that knows you that there is nothing in this world that is more important to you than you...exept on that 1st sober morning in your 10x10 cell....my phone rings, I recognize the number.......and finally IGNORE THE CALL
To you know who: THANK YOU
To you know who: I am sorry!
To you know who: I know I am hard on you, that is because I love you and to be honest... YOU ARE THE BEST... please see that before it is to late!
To you know who: our relationship is new, but oh so important to me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you even at this point. You are truly amazing, I wish you could see that. I value you more than I think you value yourself. Which is fine for now, you are learning but know that know matter what, good, bad, sad, hard, happy or mad I am here...
so I have written letters to many, not all but many. You may or may not have a letter here. If I have offended you I would apologize BUT to be honest you are reading MY blog so I don't have to neener neener neener... but seriously if you think this was about you feel free to email me.. maybe it was maybe it wasn't...
Dear you know who: I wish I could hate you, I really want to hate you. Some of the things you have done and sad are flat out lies. You make yourself look more and more stupid every time you say something that I can prove is completly false. Someday you will realize that you are hurting more than just yourself. On the other thought.. no you won't. This is the problem you don't think you are doing anythign wrong. You think everything is perfect the way it is.... YOU ARE AN IDIOT we all see it... everyone is laughing AT YOU but unfortunatly laughing at you does not make this situation go away. I wish there was an easy button in life that could help me bypass you... I realize I will never be truly rid of you i just wish I could look in your face scream yell spit and punch.. and have no reprocussion. I wish if I did any of that it would do SOME good... but it won't YOU ARE AN IDIOT...
Dear you know who: if there was one thing I could tell you and feel like you would really listen I would start with MIND YOUR OWN DAM BUSINESS... you do not know everything, hell you barely know anything. There is a reason people lie to you, there is a reason people don't call you very often. You are the most judgmental person I know. Yet I love you more than you will ever realize. I know I am like you in so many ways. I wish I could only take the good but I know its a package deal. PLEASE realize what you are doing before I can't hold my tongue any longer. If you realized what you were doing, or realized that I KNOW what youa re doing you would stop because it has been hell holding my tongue and my temper this long... please don't make me do somethign I am sure to regret.
Dear you know who: I promised myself I would never love again. I swore that I would never let myself be deopendent on another human being. I needed NO ONE. I have grown to realize what it is to love someone more than the air you breathe. To love another human (that is not your child) so much that it physically hurts when you are not with them. If I didn't have you in my life I do not know where I would be. I know I would be okay, I know I would be a happy loving mommy... but I also know I would never have learned to love myself the way I do, or to exept my own failures and shortcomings.. you make me a better person. I am always looking forward to our for always.
Dear you know who: I have never met someone that can hurt me so deeply. Cut into my sould with just words, or lack of words. You have found a way to cause pain with out even trying. Making me question every choice I have ever made. Your eyes always build me back up and remind me that I love myself but the fury you can cause makes me want to just punch something, to scream or kick... beg for mercy but I can't, my mouth won't move. You as one single person have caused more tears to come from me than any person in the entire world, not all from anger or hurt. With all of that being said I would never replace you in my life. Even though i have been hurt from yu I have also enjoyed the most intense happy moments with you as well. When you realize that words hurt you will be unstopable as a spouse, friend, employee anything you want. And I will be with you when it happens.
Dear you know who: I don't know why you are so important to me but you are. I have learned to let more people in, in my inner circle. Since we have grown our relationship. I have learned that it is okay to let someone in and get hurt as long as I grow from it. I have learned that sometimes people want to be my friend to just BE MY FRIEND.. not with any motive or malice.. just to be. I have enjoyed pointless conversations for hours and hours only to realize that in reality I am worth friendship. I do deserve to be loved in a platonic fashion. You have given me the chance to love someone only to love them. Not for sex, money or neccessisity. It is amazing what a girl without a childhood can associate friendship with sometimes. Being friends with you has allowed me to grow who I am as a person, a mother, a wife, a friend and most of all as myself. I can never repay you for evrything you have given me but I am looking forward to trying for the rest of MY life.
Dear you know who you are, I love you. I have known you longer than almost anybody in my life. You have gone through so many things with me. It is almost as if I can't remember a single memory without you in it. There are a few years where we were not within each others reach but it is like those years were just a blink now that we are back connected. I love you! I tell you often that I do but I never feel like you quite understand how much. I could not go on with my life in a comfertable healthy fashion without you. You are my rock. The one person that I know NO MATTER how bad I mess up you will be there for me. I know that you are the ONE person I could NEVER ask to bail me out of jail (cause you would be with me LMAO) and that means the world to me. I have the most amazing family and I am proud to group you in with this crazy bunch. You are my heart, if I could keep you with me forever (even when I die because I don't want to share you) I would! I would go to fight for you, I will stand proud with you and to be honest I will never look forward to another day in my life without you in it. I love you!
Dear you know who: I have never understood how your brain works: you had so much going for you. You could have done amazing things. You have amazing family and people that loved you more than you ever deserved. I get so angry when I think of what others had to go through because of your actions. I have lot sleep, tears and felt so guilty because of YOUR choices. You are a horrible person inside. I hurts me to say this because I do not really think you are. I remember late night talks, hearing you say things I really truly believe even now more than 12 years later, WHERE ARE YOU??? the real you? not this drug addicted idiot you have become. I always knew you were a rebel I never thought you would go to college and be the go with the flow kind of person but I never thought you would go this way especially with everything you have to live for. I don't understand how being alone in a 10x10 room sober for the first time in who knows how long could be better than wathcing your childs first day of school, or little league game. I do not understnad how reprocussions that I face for little things can seem so huge to me yet not even affect your life, even though yo have the EXACT same amount of biological responsibility. It is not fair. It is not fair that I have to sit at games in the rain, go to over crowded concerts, stay up late to help with science projects, do laundry, clean up vomit, worry when illness hits and be overprotective when friends come over...yet you will not suffer any of the frustration that comes with that, you will party, live life and enjoy whatever you can. There are days that thsi makes me so angry I can't see straight. Makes me want to scream and cry. Then the nights when it is my name that is called, my hand that soothes the cough or me in the dream they are talking about for their future, the pride comes and washes away the anger. But none of that removes how bad I feel for them. You could have been amazing, really could have been something more.... someday? probably not? somehow? who am I kidding. I know as well as you and everyone that knows you that there is nothing in this world that is more important to you than you...exept on that 1st sober morning in your 10x10 cell....my phone rings, I recognize the number.......and finally IGNORE THE CALL
To you know who: THANK YOU
To you know who: I am sorry!
To you know who: I know I am hard on you, that is because I love you and to be honest... YOU ARE THE BEST... please see that before it is to late!
To you know who: our relationship is new, but oh so important to me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you even at this point. You are truly amazing, I wish you could see that. I value you more than I think you value yourself. Which is fine for now, you are learning but know that know matter what, good, bad, sad, hard, happy or mad I am here...
so I have written letters to many, not all but many. You may or may not have a letter here. If I have offended you I would apologize BUT to be honest you are reading MY blog so I don't have to neener neener neener... but seriously if you think this was about you feel free to email me.. maybe it was maybe it wasn't...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
HONESTY
I am going to warn whoever reads this that tonite this blog WILL be all over the place, my emotions are all over the place and I am not sure why... I can guess why but I don't know.
Today I made my appointment with the surgeon, tomorrow I will have my appointment with the GI specialist and to be honest I am really freaked out. I am not concerned of what they will find please do not think that this is my concern. My worry is that something is wrong... I know I know.. I have been dealing with this pain for so long I should want an answer. I DO WANT an answer I want to know what is wrong but the fear of actually hearing the words that SOMETHING is wrong. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am a control freak, I want everything done on my time in my way and when something with ME goes wrong it shows me all over again that I really am not in charge of ANYTHING...
Tonight I had the amazing opportunity to sit with two amazing young woman, share experiences, fears, pride, hrt and my experiences. (I even let them talk a little haha) I know that my calling has been to work with "troubled teens" since well since I was one. I hate the term "AT RISK" we are ALL at risk for something and I really do not even like the tearm "troubled" every person in the world is "troubled" with something but the truth is I do not have a calling to work with kids that have it all together.. I want to help kids that I see myself in... the ones that struggle to see WHO THEY ARE through all the crap the world hands them on a daily basis. Tonight I got to do that a little...... I thank God every day for what I have learned in my life, and even more when I see that it JUST MIGHT help someone else.
~I did not however realize how emotionaly naked this experience would leave me. I sat down and talked with these ladies for a good solid couple of hours. I really see so much of myself in each of them for completly different reasons. They are both so amazing, strong and resilient people... I left the room.. came to mine and laid in my husbands arms and cried...so many things in my past still hurt me that I didn't realize still hurt. How can a person carry so much baggage yet never feel the weight. I said something to the girls, I told them that the issues that we have as people will never disapear, we will never be "fixed" there will always be another issue ready to pop up and always somethign within yourself that you need to work on... I believe this and tonite I reminded myself of it. The funny things is as I laid in my lovers arms I realized I wasn't crying because I was hurting... I was not regretting... I was simply reminicing... and feeling...remembering...kind of like watching a television show, it dosen't REALLY affect you.. but you connect so you cry...weird? maybe but I am okay with that...I am okay with me..
As my husband drifted off to sleep next to me I turned to my WONDEROUS DVR I love this invention. I have recorded 16 and pregant and Teen mom and the like for awhile now (thanks TAMARA) I again relate to so many of these stories. I find myself in tears time and time again. I have struggled with the want of another child for a long time. When my husband was deployed we decided we wanted another child. We quickly decided in reality we do not want a child.. another child.. we have 4 kids plus 1 and another in the house seeking herself as well.. we love our family and we are both in agreement of not SERIOUSLY wanting more kids... however this has left me wondering what is it that has me LONGING for a baby, not a toddler ( I already have one of those) but a baby, a child that shares BOTH of our DNA... and I have really only come to one real conclusion. I am 28... at this point in my life (I guess about 2 years ago when this started) is about when a womans body is physically and mentally mature enough to have children, at this point the "maternal clock" turns on... my body started to think TIME FOR BABIES...when in reality I started 11 years ago (9 at that time) I do not know if this is scientific in anyway... I think another thing I struggled with is my husband does not share DNA with any child he has not fathered (biologically) I want him to have a baby, to go through the beginnig to the end. My husband has re assured me over and over that he does not NEED a DNA match he has told me over and over and over again that the kids are his kids, he didnt change their diapers (exept the youngest) but that does not change that the oldest two have his name and to be honest if you were to ask my husband how many kids he has... without hesitation his answer would be 4... I know that we do not NEED another baby.. I know that in HONESTY I don't want another baby... I guess it all comes back to biology... and the residule fear that my husband may change his mind (even though he tells me I am crazy for this thought.. go figure me .. crazy lol) so I guess this little paragraph is part of that all over the place part... but there is a point...
tonight I was watching one of these shows, a teenager struggling with the thought of putting her infant up for adoption, I was crying, not bawling but deffinatly crying...without even being awake... my husbanmd rolled over and put his arm around me, kissed the back of my head and "snuggled" in. Without even knowing it... he knew it. I decided this was when the television would get turned off and I would go to bed. I rolled toward him only to get pulled in closer, here him mutter he loves me and hear the light snoring start again. I wanted to sleep.. I did..but I couldn't... I laid there in the light of the television staring at this man that for a reason that I don't understand choose me... he didn't HAVE to be with me, he had NO ties to me.. NOTHING.. there was NOTHING in it for him.. he wasn't avoiding child support or supporthing his"baby momma" NOTHING but he CHOOSE to not only be with me... but my FOUR children. and the drama that comes with that.. FOUR CHILDREN did I say that loud enough... three boys and a girl... and the issues that come from divorce, and a single mom but he choose it... my husband not only choose it.. he fought for it.. he WANTED me and our kids... wow I just realized a little more how much I love this man.. I am sitting at my computer at 4:15 in the morning crying because I have no idea what I ever did to deserve this...
my husband is NOT perfect.. I am not going to lie and say he is the perfect man and I would never change anything.. I hate when woman say that.. come ON if I DESIGNED my husband... he would NEVER leave dirty socks on the floor.. he woudln't snore haha okay so all kidding aside he is not perfect but I think he is perfect for me... I love him so much my heart actually aches when he goes to work.. I miss him.. I get giddy when he texts me good morning.. or calls me druing his lunch break just to check on me... but tonite after the conversations, television and whatever else (NO I AM NOT ON MY PERIOD OR HORMONAL :) ) I just firmly believe I have found my soul mate... the man God created for me. I know there will be bumps in the road I know we will fight and disagree BUT I am looking forward to it...i am looking forward to forever.
WOW..I am looking over everything I have in my life and all the plans and goals I have had for my life and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am blessed without a shadow of a doubt. I am more in love with my children and my husband than I have ever been.. and for the first time in my life I am HONESTLY serisouly looking forward to my future... not because I want the present to hurry past...which was the case in the past...but because I am looking forward to building all of our memories...
this brings me to my oldest son. he is 3 years old... he will forever be my BABY... I remember being a mom to my oldest children (who are 11 and 9) I remember saying WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL having my oldest child " I can't wait until he is grown up so we can hang out and play together" I wasn't looking forward to the walking the curiosity. I missed so much with my oldes three children, more so the oldest two. But I again am so blessed to have figured this out now. My son is almost all the way potty trained and I LOVE IT.. I love the excitment he gets when we put on big boy underwear.. Ilove that he HATES when I call him my baby.. I love the excitment in his voice when he tells me about how he wants to build a jet pack so we can fly to hawaii whenever we want... he is three years old and tells me .. I am not your baby I am your snuggle bug... I am missing him so very much tonite... he is at his dads house I spent a full hour on the phone with him today having a real conversation, he was so excited about this jet pack and a new shirt....I hate being away from him for a week at a time...I talk to him almost daily but I miss him so much...During spring break I wanted to do something with the kids that they would all love, hard when your kids very in age like mine... but again with the honesty I wanted to do something that my "baby" would LOVE... he is so curious, I skipped this stage.. school.. work.. indifference..niave whatever you want to call but the curiosity and excitment that he shows every day over the littlest things just amazes me...so I choose to take them to the Northwest trek.. its an animal preserve that has all different animals.... I can not describe the amazing feeling I had, all of the kids had a great time.. my cousin and her kids and nephew came my oldest "daughter" came so we ranged in ages of 18-3 on this trip and EVERYONE even the two of us that are a "little" older than 18 enjoyed it. By my sons choosing we had a picnic lunch it was just GREAT... if you follow me on facebook the pictures are there...I can not believe how much I missed out on with my other kids... I owe them the biggest apology.
~I have tried to make it up to them with other memories, dora birthday party all hand done, suprise birthday parties, suprise homecoming for my husbands R&R... but in all honesty (I am seeing a theme in tonites blog) I feel like selfishly I missed out on so much with them... BECAUSE of my grandparents.. I graduated highschool, got nights out and was able to be a kid and a parent but because of my age and my need to work and everything else there are large chunks of times that I don't even know when I slept let alone taking time to make sure I could SOMETHING to see that twinkle in their eyes...
~I am NOT beating myself up over this, I am looking at this in a very thankful way right now... I am looking at it like God has enlightened me .. reminded me to be thankful for the little things... I have found days where it hurts to even get out bed, moving can cause so much pain that I vomit immediatly but my "snuggle bug" and I are laying in my bed reading stories about dinosaurs and underpants...these are memories that he will have forever.. the chance ot have this time with even just ONE of my children is great, but to have all of them get involved.. YES I have sat with my youngest on my lap and all of the others will stand or squeeze in and we read.. even the oldest (who is a boy and STILL loves his mommys kisses!) will sit and listen to the hungry hungry catapillar. I wish there was MORE of me so I could give this attention to each of them every single day.. I love I that I have them.. okay not beating myself up but deffinatly wallowing in some pity here....
I have decided that this blog is all over the place, it is almost 5 am I have not slept I am tired, I got my husband to work and cried when he left.. he came back to make sure I was okay.. not because he saw me cry (he didn't) but because he realized I am still awake...I love having a man that recognizes the little things..I have reminiced in this "short" update tha last 11 years or so..
If you are reading this and you have a child, whether you are young old or just right.. PLEASE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE QUIET MOMENTS... read a story.. even if your child walks away.. keep reading it out loud they WILL come back.. they will NOT remember the hours you spent folding laundry... but they WILL remember the nightly story you read them... PLEASE if not for me for YOU take the time to recognize the small things that will excite your child.. the animals.. the zoo anything...take a day off work, call in sick.. buy an umbella go even if its raining... HELL if you don't have enough money... PICK a rainy day.. take your child and just jump in mud puddles.... do SOMETHING that makes them smile.. and take the time to enjoy the smile... it will be worth it.. and even if they don't remember (they will DEFINATLY REMEMBER) you will...forever
BECAUSE MY BLOG IS VIEWABLE BY THE PUBLIC I AM NOT PUTTING PICTURES OF MY KIDS OR FAMILY MEMBERS WHERE THEIR FACES ARE VISABLE...if you follow me on facebook there are more pictures there as my facebook page is private. Thank you for understanding...
in this picture you can see my youngest son is getting high 5 from a beaver... he still talks about this...
on the tram ride the only time he had his head INSIDE was to make sure I was looking to...the best view was the back of his head because he was sooo into spotting animals..
Today I made my appointment with the surgeon, tomorrow I will have my appointment with the GI specialist and to be honest I am really freaked out. I am not concerned of what they will find please do not think that this is my concern. My worry is that something is wrong... I know I know.. I have been dealing with this pain for so long I should want an answer. I DO WANT an answer I want to know what is wrong but the fear of actually hearing the words that SOMETHING is wrong. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am a control freak, I want everything done on my time in my way and when something with ME goes wrong it shows me all over again that I really am not in charge of ANYTHING...
Tonight I had the amazing opportunity to sit with two amazing young woman, share experiences, fears, pride, hrt and my experiences. (I even let them talk a little haha) I know that my calling has been to work with "troubled teens" since well since I was one. I hate the term "AT RISK" we are ALL at risk for something and I really do not even like the tearm "troubled" every person in the world is "troubled" with something but the truth is I do not have a calling to work with kids that have it all together.. I want to help kids that I see myself in... the ones that struggle to see WHO THEY ARE through all the crap the world hands them on a daily basis. Tonight I got to do that a little...... I thank God every day for what I have learned in my life, and even more when I see that it JUST MIGHT help someone else.
~I did not however realize how emotionaly naked this experience would leave me. I sat down and talked with these ladies for a good solid couple of hours. I really see so much of myself in each of them for completly different reasons. They are both so amazing, strong and resilient people... I left the room.. came to mine and laid in my husbands arms and cried...so many things in my past still hurt me that I didn't realize still hurt. How can a person carry so much baggage yet never feel the weight. I said something to the girls, I told them that the issues that we have as people will never disapear, we will never be "fixed" there will always be another issue ready to pop up and always somethign within yourself that you need to work on... I believe this and tonite I reminded myself of it. The funny things is as I laid in my lovers arms I realized I wasn't crying because I was hurting... I was not regretting... I was simply reminicing... and feeling...remembering...kind of like watching a television show, it dosen't REALLY affect you.. but you connect so you cry...weird? maybe but I am okay with that...I am okay with me..
As my husband drifted off to sleep next to me I turned to my WONDEROUS DVR I love this invention. I have recorded 16 and pregant and Teen mom and the like for awhile now (thanks TAMARA) I again relate to so many of these stories. I find myself in tears time and time again. I have struggled with the want of another child for a long time. When my husband was deployed we decided we wanted another child. We quickly decided in reality we do not want a child.. another child.. we have 4 kids plus 1 and another in the house seeking herself as well.. we love our family and we are both in agreement of not SERIOUSLY wanting more kids... however this has left me wondering what is it that has me LONGING for a baby, not a toddler ( I already have one of those) but a baby, a child that shares BOTH of our DNA... and I have really only come to one real conclusion. I am 28... at this point in my life (I guess about 2 years ago when this started) is about when a womans body is physically and mentally mature enough to have children, at this point the "maternal clock" turns on... my body started to think TIME FOR BABIES...when in reality I started 11 years ago (9 at that time) I do not know if this is scientific in anyway... I think another thing I struggled with is my husband does not share DNA with any child he has not fathered (biologically) I want him to have a baby, to go through the beginnig to the end. My husband has re assured me over and over that he does not NEED a DNA match he has told me over and over and over again that the kids are his kids, he didnt change their diapers (exept the youngest) but that does not change that the oldest two have his name and to be honest if you were to ask my husband how many kids he has... without hesitation his answer would be 4... I know that we do not NEED another baby.. I know that in HONESTY I don't want another baby... I guess it all comes back to biology... and the residule fear that my husband may change his mind (even though he tells me I am crazy for this thought.. go figure me .. crazy lol) so I guess this little paragraph is part of that all over the place part... but there is a point...
tonight I was watching one of these shows, a teenager struggling with the thought of putting her infant up for adoption, I was crying, not bawling but deffinatly crying...without even being awake... my husbanmd rolled over and put his arm around me, kissed the back of my head and "snuggled" in. Without even knowing it... he knew it. I decided this was when the television would get turned off and I would go to bed. I rolled toward him only to get pulled in closer, here him mutter he loves me and hear the light snoring start again. I wanted to sleep.. I did..but I couldn't... I laid there in the light of the television staring at this man that for a reason that I don't understand choose me... he didn't HAVE to be with me, he had NO ties to me.. NOTHING.. there was NOTHING in it for him.. he wasn't avoiding child support or supporthing his"baby momma" NOTHING but he CHOOSE to not only be with me... but my FOUR children. and the drama that comes with that.. FOUR CHILDREN did I say that loud enough... three boys and a girl... and the issues that come from divorce, and a single mom but he choose it... my husband not only choose it.. he fought for it.. he WANTED me and our kids... wow I just realized a little more how much I love this man.. I am sitting at my computer at 4:15 in the morning crying because I have no idea what I ever did to deserve this...
my husband is NOT perfect.. I am not going to lie and say he is the perfect man and I would never change anything.. I hate when woman say that.. come ON if I DESIGNED my husband... he would NEVER leave dirty socks on the floor.. he woudln't snore haha okay so all kidding aside he is not perfect but I think he is perfect for me... I love him so much my heart actually aches when he goes to work.. I miss him.. I get giddy when he texts me good morning.. or calls me druing his lunch break just to check on me... but tonite after the conversations, television and whatever else (NO I AM NOT ON MY PERIOD OR HORMONAL :) ) I just firmly believe I have found my soul mate... the man God created for me. I know there will be bumps in the road I know we will fight and disagree BUT I am looking forward to it...i am looking forward to forever.
WOW..I am looking over everything I have in my life and all the plans and goals I have had for my life and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am blessed without a shadow of a doubt. I am more in love with my children and my husband than I have ever been.. and for the first time in my life I am HONESTLY serisouly looking forward to my future... not because I want the present to hurry past...which was the case in the past...but because I am looking forward to building all of our memories...
this brings me to my oldest son. he is 3 years old... he will forever be my BABY... I remember being a mom to my oldest children (who are 11 and 9) I remember saying WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL having my oldest child " I can't wait until he is grown up so we can hang out and play together" I wasn't looking forward to the walking the curiosity. I missed so much with my oldes three children, more so the oldest two. But I again am so blessed to have figured this out now. My son is almost all the way potty trained and I LOVE IT.. I love the excitment he gets when we put on big boy underwear.. Ilove that he HATES when I call him my baby.. I love the excitment in his voice when he tells me about how he wants to build a jet pack so we can fly to hawaii whenever we want... he is three years old and tells me .. I am not your baby I am your snuggle bug... I am missing him so very much tonite... he is at his dads house I spent a full hour on the phone with him today having a real conversation, he was so excited about this jet pack and a new shirt....I hate being away from him for a week at a time...I talk to him almost daily but I miss him so much...During spring break I wanted to do something with the kids that they would all love, hard when your kids very in age like mine... but again with the honesty I wanted to do something that my "baby" would LOVE... he is so curious, I skipped this stage.. school.. work.. indifference..niave whatever you want to call but the curiosity and excitment that he shows every day over the littlest things just amazes me...so I choose to take them to the Northwest trek.. its an animal preserve that has all different animals.... I can not describe the amazing feeling I had, all of the kids had a great time.. my cousin and her kids and nephew came my oldest "daughter" came so we ranged in ages of 18-3 on this trip and EVERYONE even the two of us that are a "little" older than 18 enjoyed it. By my sons choosing we had a picnic lunch it was just GREAT... if you follow me on facebook the pictures are there...I can not believe how much I missed out on with my other kids... I owe them the biggest apology.
~I have tried to make it up to them with other memories, dora birthday party all hand done, suprise birthday parties, suprise homecoming for my husbands R&R... but in all honesty (I am seeing a theme in tonites blog) I feel like selfishly I missed out on so much with them... BECAUSE of my grandparents.. I graduated highschool, got nights out and was able to be a kid and a parent but because of my age and my need to work and everything else there are large chunks of times that I don't even know when I slept let alone taking time to make sure I could SOMETHING to see that twinkle in their eyes...
~I am NOT beating myself up over this, I am looking at this in a very thankful way right now... I am looking at it like God has enlightened me .. reminded me to be thankful for the little things... I have found days where it hurts to even get out bed, moving can cause so much pain that I vomit immediatly but my "snuggle bug" and I are laying in my bed reading stories about dinosaurs and underpants...these are memories that he will have forever.. the chance ot have this time with even just ONE of my children is great, but to have all of them get involved.. YES I have sat with my youngest on my lap and all of the others will stand or squeeze in and we read.. even the oldest (who is a boy and STILL loves his mommys kisses!) will sit and listen to the hungry hungry catapillar. I wish there was MORE of me so I could give this attention to each of them every single day.. I love I that I have them.. okay not beating myself up but deffinatly wallowing in some pity here....
I have decided that this blog is all over the place, it is almost 5 am I have not slept I am tired, I got my husband to work and cried when he left.. he came back to make sure I was okay.. not because he saw me cry (he didn't) but because he realized I am still awake...I love having a man that recognizes the little things..I have reminiced in this "short" update tha last 11 years or so..
If you are reading this and you have a child, whether you are young old or just right.. PLEASE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE QUIET MOMENTS... read a story.. even if your child walks away.. keep reading it out loud they WILL come back.. they will NOT remember the hours you spent folding laundry... but they WILL remember the nightly story you read them... PLEASE if not for me for YOU take the time to recognize the small things that will excite your child.. the animals.. the zoo anything...take a day off work, call in sick.. buy an umbella go even if its raining... HELL if you don't have enough money... PICK a rainy day.. take your child and just jump in mud puddles.... do SOMETHING that makes them smile.. and take the time to enjoy the smile... it will be worth it.. and even if they don't remember (they will DEFINATLY REMEMBER) you will...forever
BECAUSE MY BLOG IS VIEWABLE BY THE PUBLIC I AM NOT PUTTING PICTURES OF MY KIDS OR FAMILY MEMBERS WHERE THEIR FACES ARE VISABLE...if you follow me on facebook there are more pictures there as my facebook page is private. Thank you for understanding...
in this picture you can see my youngest son is getting high 5 from a beaver... he still talks about this...
on the tram ride the only time he had his head INSIDE was to make sure I was looking to...the best view was the back of his head because he was sooo into spotting animals..
Monday, April 18, 2011
GROW UP
I had a random conversation tonight with a family member that I don't know, obviously from my fathers side of the family. I have met her though it was a hectic time and I was meeting many so I do not remember her. This is not the point....
I was reminded tonite of the turmoil I have gone through being the daughter of my father. I love my dad, I know he loves me. He is not the father I always dreamed i would find, steppingout of a fairy tale having been searching for me for years and years but I know I love him. But this conversation got me thinking of a great many things
at what point to we as adults have to overcome the shortcomings of our parents, stand on our own two feet and not repeat mistakes. At what point are we responsible for our own mistakes and can no longer blame it on "hard childhoods" I have had a hard childhood.. my kids are not dirty nor are they not taken care of. I don't have the leisure of their sperm donor to just do as I please and not be around. I have heard time and tiem again that (*$&)# was always a mommys boy, never had to grow up, was raised in a bad situation. SUCK IT UP... and obviously this post isn't about said sperm donor because I am thankful he is not in the picture. I am just curious when enough is enough.
This same situation has played itself out with my own father. So many people have said, he was the baby, he never had to take responsibility he took the divorce of his parents the hardest, having a child out wedlock in those times was not smiled upon. His child is a grown adult.. I ahve spent so many years angry with my dad, I wrote him letters telling him I was done with him if he coudln't do things my way yada yada... I realized after the death of my uncle, my fathers brother, I can not conform my dad. Me trying to change him is as bad as everyone else exepting him as the dead beat he was. I had to take the time I had with my dad and be thankful for it. So many people would love the change to tell their dad they loved them...despite their flaws, despite the disapointments and hurt they loved them. This was me. I have my dad, he is a good dad as far as dads go. Like I said above he was never the story book king I pictures or so desperatly wanted but he is my dad and he did help creat me so there is obviously something wonderful in there. I love my dad and I know he loves me... can I ask for more?
Yes I can, I can ask all I want but that does not mean I will get the answer I want. I am working on realizing the fact that I am a strong person. I have made it through some realy crappy situations and I will make it through more... however not everyone is as strong as me, not everyone has HAD to be as strong as me and some people are just plain different (imagine that...) well my strength can be viewed as a steam roller to those that are not as strong as me... I believe that in my strength I have steam rolled my way right over some amazing people, unintentionaly however still the same outcome.
I love my dad and even though he is not what I want I am sure there are parts of me that he is not as excited about either (like the mean nasty letters I wrote him, I can be mean with words!) but I have to be thankful for what I have and I am thankful for my dad.....
HOWEVER... why is it that people get to make and use these exuses. I am addicted to the show 16 and pregnant.. I am sure it is my past predicament that has me intrigued btu I am hooked non the less. I smile when I see what the kids are going through and I am like OMG NO DON"T DO IT..dam she did it.. I knew she would I DID... but why is it that time and time again you see one of the parents drop their end of the responsibilty.. it takes two to make a baby.. it takes two TWO PEOPLE TWO.. I get just as outraged to see the grandparents HAVING to take the responsibility THEY RAISED THEIR KIDS grrr... I just wish that once people made the grown up decisions they would be some how metamorphasized into responsible people.. I know I know,.. I just hate that people like above spoke of sperm donor.. get to go on with their lives as if nothing has changed, they have two AMAZING WONDERFUL CHILDREN.. who are taken care of , loved , taught and nurtured daily. No thanks to this POS however somehow their DNA gets to conitnue to populate the earth while other people that TRULY want and deserver children can't.. or fight to become parents. Its not right...
GROW UP WORLD... TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
grrr
I was reminded tonite of the turmoil I have gone through being the daughter of my father. I love my dad, I know he loves me. He is not the father I always dreamed i would find, steppingout of a fairy tale having been searching for me for years and years but I know I love him. But this conversation got me thinking of a great many things
at what point to we as adults have to overcome the shortcomings of our parents, stand on our own two feet and not repeat mistakes. At what point are we responsible for our own mistakes and can no longer blame it on "hard childhoods" I have had a hard childhood.. my kids are not dirty nor are they not taken care of. I don't have the leisure of their sperm donor to just do as I please and not be around. I have heard time and tiem again that (*$&)# was always a mommys boy, never had to grow up, was raised in a bad situation. SUCK IT UP... and obviously this post isn't about said sperm donor because I am thankful he is not in the picture. I am just curious when enough is enough.
This same situation has played itself out with my own father. So many people have said, he was the baby, he never had to take responsibility he took the divorce of his parents the hardest, having a child out wedlock in those times was not smiled upon. His child is a grown adult.. I ahve spent so many years angry with my dad, I wrote him letters telling him I was done with him if he coudln't do things my way yada yada... I realized after the death of my uncle, my fathers brother, I can not conform my dad. Me trying to change him is as bad as everyone else exepting him as the dead beat he was. I had to take the time I had with my dad and be thankful for it. So many people would love the change to tell their dad they loved them...despite their flaws, despite the disapointments and hurt they loved them. This was me. I have my dad, he is a good dad as far as dads go. Like I said above he was never the story book king I pictures or so desperatly wanted but he is my dad and he did help creat me so there is obviously something wonderful in there. I love my dad and I know he loves me... can I ask for more?
Yes I can, I can ask all I want but that does not mean I will get the answer I want. I am working on realizing the fact that I am a strong person. I have made it through some realy crappy situations and I will make it through more... however not everyone is as strong as me, not everyone has HAD to be as strong as me and some people are just plain different (imagine that...) well my strength can be viewed as a steam roller to those that are not as strong as me... I believe that in my strength I have steam rolled my way right over some amazing people, unintentionaly however still the same outcome.
I love my dad and even though he is not what I want I am sure there are parts of me that he is not as excited about either (like the mean nasty letters I wrote him, I can be mean with words!) but I have to be thankful for what I have and I am thankful for my dad.....
HOWEVER... why is it that people get to make and use these exuses. I am addicted to the show 16 and pregnant.. I am sure it is my past predicament that has me intrigued btu I am hooked non the less. I smile when I see what the kids are going through and I am like OMG NO DON"T DO IT..dam she did it.. I knew she would I DID... but why is it that time and time again you see one of the parents drop their end of the responsibilty.. it takes two to make a baby.. it takes two TWO PEOPLE TWO.. I get just as outraged to see the grandparents HAVING to take the responsibility THEY RAISED THEIR KIDS grrr... I just wish that once people made the grown up decisions they would be some how metamorphasized into responsible people.. I know I know,.. I just hate that people like above spoke of sperm donor.. get to go on with their lives as if nothing has changed, they have two AMAZING WONDERFUL CHILDREN.. who are taken care of , loved , taught and nurtured daily. No thanks to this POS however somehow their DNA gets to conitnue to populate the earth while other people that TRULY want and deserver children can't.. or fight to become parents. Its not right...
GROW UP WORLD... TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
grrr
Saturday, April 16, 2011
A new day
Have you ever felt like your body is failing you? I do! It is kind of like when you tell a friend your child can do something and then they WON'T leaving you to look like the over zealous and lying parent... well my body has made me out to be the liar- I realize that this statement seems a bit overly dramatic but in reality this is why I have been so down, so different and feeling so terrible lately.
I admit I spoke of feeling dark and not understanding how I could react to things the way I was but after some soul searching these last couple days I think I get it.... I am depressed... beyond the little pill bottle I have on my desk... I mean I know I am dealing with depresiion... that is my life I have dealt with it in one facet or another for years.. but the depression that has over taken me in the last couple weeks has been different.
when someone hears the word depressed they think of sucicde, blood and death..or they think of the sad cartoon character on television that is hiding from the rain cloud... neither of these have fit me lately. I have laid in my room questioning everything about myself. It is so hard to question yourself and the things that are going on around you when you are completly in love with your partner and more than satisfied with your life..I was feeling very confused.. hurt.. angry over nothing... no answers.. hell no reason.. just empty
I found myself getting calls, voicemails actualy because I wasn't answering the phone for very many people (well really other than my husband and kids there was only 1 other phone call I would take on a consistent basis) people were texting asking me if I was okay, expressing concern, leaving voicemails. Telling me I didn't sound the same hoping everything was okay. I realized there was a problem when the concern in peoples voice was making me even more iirritated.
There has been a time in my life where I longed to feel the concern of ANYONE and at this point I was almost feeling offended by the same concern I wanted so badly in the past.. However again I had no reasons. Then again I had no desire for a reason..
I tried to tell myself that I was just having a prolonged pity party over the possible cancelation of my trip to Hawaii... this broke my soul in a way I didn't thnk was possible.. HELLO JUST A VACATION.. WRONG it is more than that to me.. it is a chance to do soemthign I have always wnated to do, see things I have always wanted to see and visit a friend I have missed for much to long (Steph I can't wait to see you again!) but I realized last night while I was bawling so hard my husabnd is the only thing that kept my body on the hospital bed my darkness inside was not because of hawaii it was just enlargened by hawaii... so now that I have you wondering what the heck is going on I should probably tell ya huh
so for the last month or so I have been having pain in my side, horrid pain sometimes. I was sure it was my liver acting up again so I was afraid to tell anyone. I felt like I was failing my weight loss challenge, even though I was loosing weight my body was still hurting so I must have been doing something wrong. I didn't tell ANYONE.. I suffered in silence and pretended like nothing was wrong.. however to my dismay, I started a cleanse, I started workingout harder and watching what I eat even more and it didn't get better,... it started getting worse, landed me in the ER....
the first visit in the ER ended up with here is some pain pills and some ibuprofen we think its your appendix but we don't know so go home... well for a couple days I think I am better (gotta love pain pills) so back to the gym I go working out not harder but not easy either, things are GOING to get better... well I started running a fever and having headaches every single day, so after my husband BEGGED me to go to the doctor I made an appointment and went. She is also thinking my appendix but isn't sure, more blood work. That SAME night I am in the ER sick, hurting so bad.. more tests... same answer.. we don't know what is wrong with you here is some pain pills go home... three days later, I want to die the pain is killing me it hurts so bad I go back to the ER... different ER this time
test after test, I have a doctor that is confused he thought he knew the answer but my body is tricking us all again, NO ANSWERS.. this is where the apiphany comes in for me.. I am crying so hard, my husband is holding me, keeping me on the bed I am shaking so hard. I don't understand how my body that I am tyring to be so good to now can fail me so miserably. I feel like once again I am failing.
I am waisting the time of the doctors and nurses, my husband and children that are waiting for me so worried. I say there crying feeling like a complete failiure. I don't want anythign to be wrong but there is obviously soemthing wrong I just want an answer.. BUT NOTHING... somehow God answered a prayer for me right then... I prayed God please let me find an answer to my hurt... he showed me that once again I am setting myself up to fail. God is the only person that knows every inch of my body and he is who I need to lean on, I have tor realize I can't take on this burden of no answers..I have to meet God half way and attend my appointments and continue to take care of myself but I can't take on the guilt of the doctors not finding an answer, that is not my fault. I also have to learn to let go of stress on things I can handle... that brings me to my next part...
So my last post was about how I felt guilty for feeling upset about Hawaii (maybe I should be catholic I feel a lot of guilt LOL just kidding) however my knight in shining armor came through for me. For those that know me well you know that I do not accept help easily. I hate asking for help and rarely even accept help when it is offered well God took the upper hand in this case. I know I need this trip to Hawaii, I need to relax and enjoy a stress free time, I think I over stress and over worry about everything and I need to enjoy myself. However it was not going to happen. An amazing person heard of my struggles with this and also knowing me in ways that only true family can knows that I will not ask for help but I need this trip if for nothing else just to be able to say I went... well Crazy Uncle John (lol) thank you so very much. He is helping make my trip a reality.. I am so happy to say that Hawaii is back on and my family will not have to go without anything (which allows me to enjoy the trip) it will not be elaborate but it will be amazing and I will be able to see my girls in Hawaii that miss me to (hehe)
I do not believe I have found my way out of this deep dark hole I have dug into but I believe I am seeing the signs and allowed myself to put this out there so others can see the signs in me as well. I am very social I love people so when I pull away from everything there is your first sign.. I love all of my friends dearly but when I feel like a failure I am also feeling like I am failing them which makes me want to hide from them, I can't stand letting myself down let alone others that I love so much
please know that I do know when you say "Holly you aren't letting us down, its not your fault" I KNOW that.. I really do.. I am not ignorant..it is just funny how a mind can play tricks on you.. .. I want to hold the whole world up and help everyone, I can't fail.. if I fail that means I am weak I CAN NOT BE WEAK...
Iam sure this is all over the place and to be honest I am okay with that, I just hope that it sheds a little bit of light on the life of Holly...
I admit I spoke of feeling dark and not understanding how I could react to things the way I was but after some soul searching these last couple days I think I get it.... I am depressed... beyond the little pill bottle I have on my desk... I mean I know I am dealing with depresiion... that is my life I have dealt with it in one facet or another for years.. but the depression that has over taken me in the last couple weeks has been different.
when someone hears the word depressed they think of sucicde, blood and death..or they think of the sad cartoon character on television that is hiding from the rain cloud... neither of these have fit me lately. I have laid in my room questioning everything about myself. It is so hard to question yourself and the things that are going on around you when you are completly in love with your partner and more than satisfied with your life..I was feeling very confused.. hurt.. angry over nothing... no answers.. hell no reason.. just empty
I found myself getting calls, voicemails actualy because I wasn't answering the phone for very many people (well really other than my husband and kids there was only 1 other phone call I would take on a consistent basis) people were texting asking me if I was okay, expressing concern, leaving voicemails. Telling me I didn't sound the same hoping everything was okay. I realized there was a problem when the concern in peoples voice was making me even more iirritated.
There has been a time in my life where I longed to feel the concern of ANYONE and at this point I was almost feeling offended by the same concern I wanted so badly in the past.. However again I had no reasons. Then again I had no desire for a reason..
I tried to tell myself that I was just having a prolonged pity party over the possible cancelation of my trip to Hawaii... this broke my soul in a way I didn't thnk was possible.. HELLO JUST A VACATION.. WRONG it is more than that to me.. it is a chance to do soemthign I have always wnated to do, see things I have always wanted to see and visit a friend I have missed for much to long (Steph I can't wait to see you again!) but I realized last night while I was bawling so hard my husabnd is the only thing that kept my body on the hospital bed my darkness inside was not because of hawaii it was just enlargened by hawaii... so now that I have you wondering what the heck is going on I should probably tell ya huh
so for the last month or so I have been having pain in my side, horrid pain sometimes. I was sure it was my liver acting up again so I was afraid to tell anyone. I felt like I was failing my weight loss challenge, even though I was loosing weight my body was still hurting so I must have been doing something wrong. I didn't tell ANYONE.. I suffered in silence and pretended like nothing was wrong.. however to my dismay, I started a cleanse, I started workingout harder and watching what I eat even more and it didn't get better,... it started getting worse, landed me in the ER....
the first visit in the ER ended up with here is some pain pills and some ibuprofen we think its your appendix but we don't know so go home... well for a couple days I think I am better (gotta love pain pills) so back to the gym I go working out not harder but not easy either, things are GOING to get better... well I started running a fever and having headaches every single day, so after my husband BEGGED me to go to the doctor I made an appointment and went. She is also thinking my appendix but isn't sure, more blood work. That SAME night I am in the ER sick, hurting so bad.. more tests... same answer.. we don't know what is wrong with you here is some pain pills go home... three days later, I want to die the pain is killing me it hurts so bad I go back to the ER... different ER this time
test after test, I have a doctor that is confused he thought he knew the answer but my body is tricking us all again, NO ANSWERS.. this is where the apiphany comes in for me.. I am crying so hard, my husband is holding me, keeping me on the bed I am shaking so hard. I don't understand how my body that I am tyring to be so good to now can fail me so miserably. I feel like once again I am failing.
I am waisting the time of the doctors and nurses, my husband and children that are waiting for me so worried. I say there crying feeling like a complete failiure. I don't want anythign to be wrong but there is obviously soemthing wrong I just want an answer.. BUT NOTHING... somehow God answered a prayer for me right then... I prayed God please let me find an answer to my hurt... he showed me that once again I am setting myself up to fail. God is the only person that knows every inch of my body and he is who I need to lean on, I have tor realize I can't take on this burden of no answers..I have to meet God half way and attend my appointments and continue to take care of myself but I can't take on the guilt of the doctors not finding an answer, that is not my fault. I also have to learn to let go of stress on things I can handle... that brings me to my next part...
So my last post was about how I felt guilty for feeling upset about Hawaii (maybe I should be catholic I feel a lot of guilt LOL just kidding) however my knight in shining armor came through for me. For those that know me well you know that I do not accept help easily. I hate asking for help and rarely even accept help when it is offered well God took the upper hand in this case. I know I need this trip to Hawaii, I need to relax and enjoy a stress free time, I think I over stress and over worry about everything and I need to enjoy myself. However it was not going to happen. An amazing person heard of my struggles with this and also knowing me in ways that only true family can knows that I will not ask for help but I need this trip if for nothing else just to be able to say I went... well Crazy Uncle John (lol) thank you so very much. He is helping make my trip a reality.. I am so happy to say that Hawaii is back on and my family will not have to go without anything (which allows me to enjoy the trip) it will not be elaborate but it will be amazing and I will be able to see my girls in Hawaii that miss me to (hehe)
I do not believe I have found my way out of this deep dark hole I have dug into but I believe I am seeing the signs and allowed myself to put this out there so others can see the signs in me as well. I am very social I love people so when I pull away from everything there is your first sign.. I love all of my friends dearly but when I feel like a failure I am also feeling like I am failing them which makes me want to hide from them, I can't stand letting myself down let alone others that I love so much
please know that I do know when you say "Holly you aren't letting us down, its not your fault" I KNOW that.. I really do.. I am not ignorant..it is just funny how a mind can play tricks on you.. .. I want to hold the whole world up and help everyone, I can't fail.. if I fail that means I am weak I CAN NOT BE WEAK...
Iam sure this is all over the place and to be honest I am okay with that, I just hope that it sheds a little bit of light on the life of Holly...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Pity Party
what a roller coaster of a day. I had my husband call me before Noon to tell me he was on his way home for the DAY... I had a doctors appt that I didn't have to go to alone and we got to spend the day with my amazing in laws.
I am one of those wifes that was blessed with amazing inlaws. I love my entire married into family. I mean that is not to say that we don't have our moments but my husbands family is amazing, his sister is a woman with aheart that others only wish they could have, she loves people and cares about them in a way that I wish more people could.. she has a tenderness to her that draws people to her, her girlfriend and son are amazing as well... makes her even a better person. My mother in law and father in law love myself and my children like we are their own, not a day goes by that I don't know we are loved and accepted by this family... it is an amazing feeling.
this kind of brings me to my rollercoaster of a day... My husband and I have been blessed with help when we needed it from family. We have not had to deal with the issues that money can cause within a marraige and I am so very thankful for that, between our ability to plan through deployments and gracious help from family we know we are blessed.
Three years ago I planned a trip to Hawaii to see a great friend. My son and I were going to go for a week and just relax. I have never been out of this general area and was so very much looking forward to it. However my third child was severly burned during this time leaving us with no choice but to cancel the trip. I was able to resechedule it, my oldest daughter and I are scheduled to leave in less than a month.
However due to unforseen circumstances the money I thought I was going to have for the trip the money I have counted on in order to make this trip even happen is gone, not for bad or selfish reasons, it all makes sense. But I can't help but want to lay on the floor and scream and kick and feel sorry for myself. I am so upset...
My husband and I talked about my feelings and he has pointed out that we can still in the short amount of time we have left put aside a few hundred dollars, make the trip possible, not as enjoyable but definatly possible.... I know I should be happy.. no greatful for this.. but again I can't help but feel so upset.
I have been fighting back tears over this since I found out. I was instantly sick to my stomach. But the brain in me said its okay, it makes sense priortys have to be straight, neccesitys first... RIGHT??? well if it is that simple in my head why does my heart feel like its breaking...
Like i said I want to be the little kid and throw a temper tantrum but it does no good when you KNOW you are in the wrong.. I hate feeling like this (hence me putting it here not in the real world) but I can't help it... I am writing this while I am wrenching in tears. I hate that EVERY SINGLE BIG THING I plan gets ruined. Something comes up and it can't happen...
I feel like the little girl that wanted the ONE thing for her birthday but didn't get it, I know I shouldn't feel this way, I knwo its silly but I do... it hurts.. I am so disapointed.. and if I don't go.. if I just say SCREW IT... I don't want to have to feel stressed during this time so I am staying home.. well I am not the only one being let down.. there are others that are planning on this trip, going and enjoying..
I want to SCREAM AND YELL at myself, tell myself to get over it but I can't.. maybe I will just let myself cry it out and be over it.. I will lalow myself this little pity party and then move forward.. it could be worse right?
I guess I just need to focus on my blessings instead of my own short comings... I have an AMAZING, WONDERFUL AWESOME husband that loves me even when I don't deserve it, I have 5 astronomically awesome children that make me smile and fall in love all over again every day... I have family that others would give anythign to have, and all in all we have our health. Even thoughs in our family that do not have the health we want for them still have good enough health to enjoy life and be filled with the love of our family...
please do not judge my brattyness I know I am being a spoiled rotten twit right now but I promise I am not allowing anyone else to see my hurt or disapointment in this situation, no one else is being affected by the tears or hurt in my heart and on my face I am simply having a one person pity party that know will pass...
but it really sucks to look forward to soemthign for so long and have it all taken away in the matter of seconds, I know we could scrimp enough money together for me to go and be able to eat ect but I will spend the whole time gone stressed that I have enough money and then come home to a house that is stressed as we aer living on less money... it is a loose loose... I will figure it out tomorrow...
I am one of those wifes that was blessed with amazing inlaws. I love my entire married into family. I mean that is not to say that we don't have our moments but my husbands family is amazing, his sister is a woman with aheart that others only wish they could have, she loves people and cares about them in a way that I wish more people could.. she has a tenderness to her that draws people to her, her girlfriend and son are amazing as well... makes her even a better person. My mother in law and father in law love myself and my children like we are their own, not a day goes by that I don't know we are loved and accepted by this family... it is an amazing feeling.
this kind of brings me to my rollercoaster of a day... My husband and I have been blessed with help when we needed it from family. We have not had to deal with the issues that money can cause within a marraige and I am so very thankful for that, between our ability to plan through deployments and gracious help from family we know we are blessed.
Three years ago I planned a trip to Hawaii to see a great friend. My son and I were going to go for a week and just relax. I have never been out of this general area and was so very much looking forward to it. However my third child was severly burned during this time leaving us with no choice but to cancel the trip. I was able to resechedule it, my oldest daughter and I are scheduled to leave in less than a month.
However due to unforseen circumstances the money I thought I was going to have for the trip the money I have counted on in order to make this trip even happen is gone, not for bad or selfish reasons, it all makes sense. But I can't help but want to lay on the floor and scream and kick and feel sorry for myself. I am so upset...
My husband and I talked about my feelings and he has pointed out that we can still in the short amount of time we have left put aside a few hundred dollars, make the trip possible, not as enjoyable but definatly possible.... I know I should be happy.. no greatful for this.. but again I can't help but feel so upset.
I have been fighting back tears over this since I found out. I was instantly sick to my stomach. But the brain in me said its okay, it makes sense priortys have to be straight, neccesitys first... RIGHT??? well if it is that simple in my head why does my heart feel like its breaking...
Like i said I want to be the little kid and throw a temper tantrum but it does no good when you KNOW you are in the wrong.. I hate feeling like this (hence me putting it here not in the real world) but I can't help it... I am writing this while I am wrenching in tears. I hate that EVERY SINGLE BIG THING I plan gets ruined. Something comes up and it can't happen...
I feel like the little girl that wanted the ONE thing for her birthday but didn't get it, I know I shouldn't feel this way, I knwo its silly but I do... it hurts.. I am so disapointed.. and if I don't go.. if I just say SCREW IT... I don't want to have to feel stressed during this time so I am staying home.. well I am not the only one being let down.. there are others that are planning on this trip, going and enjoying..
I want to SCREAM AND YELL at myself, tell myself to get over it but I can't.. maybe I will just let myself cry it out and be over it.. I will lalow myself this little pity party and then move forward.. it could be worse right?
I guess I just need to focus on my blessings instead of my own short comings... I have an AMAZING, WONDERFUL AWESOME husband that loves me even when I don't deserve it, I have 5 astronomically awesome children that make me smile and fall in love all over again every day... I have family that others would give anythign to have, and all in all we have our health. Even thoughs in our family that do not have the health we want for them still have good enough health to enjoy life and be filled with the love of our family...
please do not judge my brattyness I know I am being a spoiled rotten twit right now but I promise I am not allowing anyone else to see my hurt or disapointment in this situation, no one else is being affected by the tears or hurt in my heart and on my face I am simply having a one person pity party that know will pass...
but it really sucks to look forward to soemthign for so long and have it all taken away in the matter of seconds, I know we could scrimp enough money together for me to go and be able to eat ect but I will spend the whole time gone stressed that I have enough money and then come home to a house that is stressed as we aer living on less money... it is a loose loose... I will figure it out tomorrow...
Monday, April 11, 2011
daily life
so many things happen in my daily life. Today alone I had to take my middle son to the doctors, for xrays, to the pharmacy, back to the doctor to get casted then finally home. This was all because my children have something against walking upright grrr they fall over everything!
I have an older child living in my home I love her like my own, I would and have done eveyrthing for her however I struggle when I see her heading down a path that could lead to trouble. I know she has an amazing future in front of her, she can do anythign she sets her mind to. However she is addicted to male company, not in a sexual way just in an actual company sense, she lacks the daddy figure, other than my hubby. However that is 17 years without a postive roll model. I loose sleep at night because I am worried that something will happen to her. I always allow her to make her own choices, however I always try to give her some advice to help steer her in the CORRECT direction. I just worry so much that she will go down a path I have already prooven to be detremental to anyones health... I guess I am just amazed that I can love someone that did not come from my body as if she did....
This brings me to her friends, she has em, I tend to be the mother hen to all these teenage girls that need advice... I don't know why they all trust me with their inner most secrets but they do. One of her friends found herself pregnant, her and the daddy are not together, though still friends, they decided they did not want to be parents. I found myself playing the roll of counselor, sitting with this girl telling her the options she had, explaining that there are so many people in the world, some I know personally, that would do and give anythign to be parents, to be AMAZING parents but can't or haven't yet... but then I am faced with this girl that is willing to just kill what she has. I know it is a personal choice and I believe this, however to me it is murder. I will not judge anyone for this choice, to me calling it murder is just a fact. There are cases where I believe this to be a valid option however not when two consentual adults make the choice to have sex and get pregnant knowing full well the possible consequences of their actions. ANYWAY this is not about me and my soap box conversations. I found myself crying myself to sleep over the decisions this young girl had to make and the decision I was pretty sure she was going to go with. I can't help but come back to the day I found out I was pregnant, it was raining and cold in Long Beach Washington in the health department, I was 16 and pretty sure I was pregant but had to have it confirmed and could not afford an actual pregnancy test (this should have been the FIRST sign I wasn't ready to be bringing children into the world) I however was excited to be pregnatn, I wanted a little boy, I made an agreement with God. If he gave me a boy I would make sure that my child knew God and his ways... I have my son and he knows and loves God so very much.
I found otu today the choice this young girl made and it sorrowed me more than I thought it would. I felt like a piece of me was missing. It has been decisded that my husband and I will not be having anymore children. While I knwo this is best for us, financially and mentally it still sadens me to think that I will never feel a baby grow inside of me again...(again with the bunny trails) I want to go to my "daughters" friend and just wrap my arms around her and hold her, tell her she will be okay. Even though the decision she made was not one that I would have ever wanted for myself I can't help but yearn to help ease the pain that I am sure she is feeling, physically and mentally. I do not understand how someone can want something or I guess not want something then find themselves in mental anguish over it... I mean I do understand but I wishI could fix it, I wish I could make every one happy.... to remove the pain from people.
Then again I firmly believe that it is completly assanine that we have to have a license to catch a fish but ANYONE can make a child... why can't anyone catch a fish and we require a licence to have a baby? I mean HELLO... yea that is another blog for another day I guess.....
I lay here in bed with the man of my dreams knowing that I have an amazing life and an amazing family but can't help but wonder WHAT IF... I made different choices... how would my life be different, but I can't. I can't even fathom what my life would be like without any of my children... even on the hard days it physically hurts my heart to think of life without them
I have an older child living in my home I love her like my own, I would and have done eveyrthing for her however I struggle when I see her heading down a path that could lead to trouble. I know she has an amazing future in front of her, she can do anythign she sets her mind to. However she is addicted to male company, not in a sexual way just in an actual company sense, she lacks the daddy figure, other than my hubby. However that is 17 years without a postive roll model. I loose sleep at night because I am worried that something will happen to her. I always allow her to make her own choices, however I always try to give her some advice to help steer her in the CORRECT direction. I just worry so much that she will go down a path I have already prooven to be detremental to anyones health... I guess I am just amazed that I can love someone that did not come from my body as if she did....
This brings me to her friends, she has em, I tend to be the mother hen to all these teenage girls that need advice... I don't know why they all trust me with their inner most secrets but they do. One of her friends found herself pregnant, her and the daddy are not together, though still friends, they decided they did not want to be parents. I found myself playing the roll of counselor, sitting with this girl telling her the options she had, explaining that there are so many people in the world, some I know personally, that would do and give anythign to be parents, to be AMAZING parents but can't or haven't yet... but then I am faced with this girl that is willing to just kill what she has. I know it is a personal choice and I believe this, however to me it is murder. I will not judge anyone for this choice, to me calling it murder is just a fact. There are cases where I believe this to be a valid option however not when two consentual adults make the choice to have sex and get pregnant knowing full well the possible consequences of their actions. ANYWAY this is not about me and my soap box conversations. I found myself crying myself to sleep over the decisions this young girl had to make and the decision I was pretty sure she was going to go with. I can't help but come back to the day I found out I was pregnant, it was raining and cold in Long Beach Washington in the health department, I was 16 and pretty sure I was pregant but had to have it confirmed and could not afford an actual pregnancy test (this should have been the FIRST sign I wasn't ready to be bringing children into the world) I however was excited to be pregnatn, I wanted a little boy, I made an agreement with God. If he gave me a boy I would make sure that my child knew God and his ways... I have my son and he knows and loves God so very much.
I found otu today the choice this young girl made and it sorrowed me more than I thought it would. I felt like a piece of me was missing. It has been decisded that my husband and I will not be having anymore children. While I knwo this is best for us, financially and mentally it still sadens me to think that I will never feel a baby grow inside of me again...(again with the bunny trails) I want to go to my "daughters" friend and just wrap my arms around her and hold her, tell her she will be okay. Even though the decision she made was not one that I would have ever wanted for myself I can't help but yearn to help ease the pain that I am sure she is feeling, physically and mentally. I do not understand how someone can want something or I guess not want something then find themselves in mental anguish over it... I mean I do understand but I wishI could fix it, I wish I could make every one happy.... to remove the pain from people.
Then again I firmly believe that it is completly assanine that we have to have a license to catch a fish but ANYONE can make a child... why can't anyone catch a fish and we require a licence to have a baby? I mean HELLO... yea that is another blog for another day I guess.....
I lay here in bed with the man of my dreams knowing that I have an amazing life and an amazing family but can't help but wonder WHAT IF... I made different choices... how would my life be different, but I can't. I can't even fathom what my life would be like without any of my children... even on the hard days it physically hurts my heart to think of life without them
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Blessed
I sit her in my recliner, relaxing praying for God to remove the pain of this migraine, I have had a headache EVERY SINGLE DAY for the last many days (pretty close to 2 weeks) I don't know why, I went to the chiropractor and massage therapist, I have been adjusted and druged but nothing makes it STAY away, everything makes it go away for awhile but thats it,... I am so frusterated with the pain. This being said
my best friend in the whole world came over today, the one person that is not blood related that is the closest thing to a sister I have ever had..she had 4 amazing children that I consider my neices and nephew.. she is one of the only people I can have all my kids around and not feel like I am overwhelming..I couldn't help but feel the love in the house, it was great. I miss her, I wish I lived closer... soon I hope!
I know that even if I bitch and complain about the anger in the house, the noise, the pain and the cost I thank God every single day that I have my children with me on this earth and they are realtively healthy. They each have their own health quirks but I know it could be so much worse. I love my family and children and am so thankful for everything that I have....
Please make sure to take a moment every single day no matter how hard your day is and be thankful for what you have...be thankful for the good in your life.
my best friend in the whole world came over today, the one person that is not blood related that is the closest thing to a sister I have ever had..she had 4 amazing children that I consider my neices and nephew.. she is one of the only people I can have all my kids around and not feel like I am overwhelming..I couldn't help but feel the love in the house, it was great. I miss her, I wish I lived closer... soon I hope!
I know that even if I bitch and complain about the anger in the house, the noise, the pain and the cost I thank God every single day that I have my children with me on this earth and they are realtively healthy. They each have their own health quirks but I know it could be so much worse. I love my family and children and am so thankful for everything that I have....
Please make sure to take a moment every single day no matter how hard your day is and be thankful for what you have...be thankful for the good in your life.
Struggles
what a day, I have been looking forward to today for weeks, family pictures. I have pined over what to have the kids wear, they are to old for MATCHING outfits, so I have been told, and since I have lost weight finding something I own that looks nice and matches the kids is a whole nother story.
So I have had this want since...well since Nate and I have gotten together ...I want him to wear his uniform, dress or not I don't care, in a family picture. We have so much time with him in Uniform it would be nice to have a picture that depicts that as well. SO ANYWAY as of last night Nate was in on this, he would wear his ACU's and the rest of the family would wear their dress clothes that we have from an event that never happened. I was so excited, with nates help I picked hat I was going to wear for our more laid back pictures and life was good.
we got up this morning and life was good as normal, we slept in woke up to snuggles a great way to start the day... Until the lovely affects of PTSD rear their ugly head... anger, for an unknown reason... just their hoovering in the air, waiting to greet the family or situation. This time it was pictures... he decided he wasn't going to be in the pictures... then as the time got closer he came in but decided he wasn't wearign his uniform.... whatever, I am disapointed but not suprised it is how things like this go, I want want want get excited then loose it...but its life right... well to my suprise... my husband WON
TODAY my husband beat PTSD.. he wore his uniform and was in our family pictures. There are parts of the pictures that he would not partake in, but its life the anger may have shown its head but we won!!!!
We got our pictures, I saw my husband smile.. enjoy his time with our family.. was it perfect? NOPE but was it great? absolutly. I feel like every day is a new battle with the issues he is workig through.
I have to admit I have done ZERO research on PTSD which is not like me at all, I tend to be the over researcher, scare myself and be prepared for anything but not this time. I have not been in denial or even suprised... just living life each day..praying for a good one...
medication makes our life liveable and even wonderful at times, the problem is getting someone to regulary take something that they know they need but when they are down.. they are so angry and upset they don't think a PILL will help it..
So I have had this want since...well since Nate and I have gotten together ...I want him to wear his uniform, dress or not I don't care, in a family picture. We have so much time with him in Uniform it would be nice to have a picture that depicts that as well. SO ANYWAY as of last night Nate was in on this, he would wear his ACU's and the rest of the family would wear their dress clothes that we have from an event that never happened. I was so excited, with nates help I picked hat I was going to wear for our more laid back pictures and life was good.
we got up this morning and life was good as normal, we slept in woke up to snuggles a great way to start the day... Until the lovely affects of PTSD rear their ugly head... anger, for an unknown reason... just their hoovering in the air, waiting to greet the family or situation. This time it was pictures... he decided he wasn't going to be in the pictures... then as the time got closer he came in but decided he wasn't wearign his uniform.... whatever, I am disapointed but not suprised it is how things like this go, I want want want get excited then loose it...but its life right... well to my suprise... my husband WON
TODAY my husband beat PTSD.. he wore his uniform and was in our family pictures. There are parts of the pictures that he would not partake in, but its life the anger may have shown its head but we won!!!!
We got our pictures, I saw my husband smile.. enjoy his time with our family.. was it perfect? NOPE but was it great? absolutly. I feel like every day is a new battle with the issues he is workig through.
I have to admit I have done ZERO research on PTSD which is not like me at all, I tend to be the over researcher, scare myself and be prepared for anything but not this time. I have not been in denial or even suprised... just living life each day..praying for a good one...
medication makes our life liveable and even wonderful at times, the problem is getting someone to regulary take something that they know they need but when they are down.. they are so angry and upset they don't think a PILL will help it..
CHOICES
Love hurts, when you love someone that it physically hurts to be away from them then you know you have the real thing. The problem for me as I was younger wasn't thinking I was in love, not at all... it was allowing anyone to love me back.
I didn't have an easy growing up, it could have been worse, but it was not easy. I love who I am today, and I firmly believe I am ME because of what I went through... however....
I know I supplementd "daddy love" with any love from men. Well to be honest BOYS but thats neither here nor there... I would never had addmited this when I was younger, I honestly do not think I even knew it.. but looking back (gotta love that hind sight) I was craving love, the feel of someone LOVING ME. I honestly think that I held it so deep inside that my dad left me that I needed a man to love me and not leave, I needed to feel like I was lovable... wow.. I rememebr when I was 16, before I found out I was pregnant with my first son... I prayed that i was pregnant. I was so deeply excited when the nurse told me it was positive. I had NO job, NO money and was only a freshman in highschool. I lived with my boyfriend and his parents and to be honest our relationship wasn't great, whos is at 16? but I didn't care I was determined that this was a WONDERFUL THING... (it is I love my son dearly and yes he knows all of this!) I had peopel beg me to have an abortion, not for me, I honestly and deeply at one point considered adoption but couldnt do it.
My family stepped up, my grand parents were AMAZING without them I don't even want to think of what could have happend. BUT WOW WAS I IN FOR A WAKE UP CALL...first baby, single (haha you thought 16 year old daddy would stick around... you have a sense of humor to!) no job or money and now no education. OH did I mention he was colicky??? and I had to have a c-section... well I got in school and loved every single second of my son... I never was angry with him or really felt overwhelmed BUT my grandparents did more than I ever realized until recently (I grew up lol)
I know now that my son was not born for the right reasons, he was not born to parents that wanted to have a child to raise and love... he was born to fill a void in a childs heart. He was born so I knew I would have someone to love me... he does.. but I needed someone to fill the daddy role in my life, which left me with a child that very well may have the same daddy issues I had (however my son is blessed with an AMAZING FATHER NOW!!!!)
Tonight I was able to talk to one of my children and explain to her what it means to "accidently" become pregant, how I was stuck at a cross roads.. I had two decisions... well three but still..1) had to choose to "give up my dreams" and become a mom.. 2) go against everything I had ever believed in and have an abortion or 3) give my baby to someone else that could love it. I really only considered having him.. but whle explaining these crossroads to my beautiful child it left me wondering where my life could have gone, would have gone, had I not had my children at the age I did.
In the situation I lived in I can honsetly say I do not know where it would have gone... I believe that having my son at 16 may have saved me...I am not sure. I lived in a dead end place with NOTHING. I was in school but hell having my baby so young I still graduated higschool... even a year early! I do not know if I would have gone to college.. I had no money.. I don't know. I do know I would not have the relationships I have now.. and that to me is not worth it.
THIS BEING SAID... I was talking to my daughter that is NOT pregnant nor planning on becoming so but she has amazing plans, amazing future and is a wonderful person.. I needed her to understand that choices have consequences, pregnancy, aids, college, mcdonalds, all potential outcomes to choices... I guess it comes down to
WHAT CHOICES ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE TODAY? because one way or another... they will affect your tomorrow.
I didn't have an easy growing up, it could have been worse, but it was not easy. I love who I am today, and I firmly believe I am ME because of what I went through... however....
I know I supplementd "daddy love" with any love from men. Well to be honest BOYS but thats neither here nor there... I would never had addmited this when I was younger, I honestly do not think I even knew it.. but looking back (gotta love that hind sight) I was craving love, the feel of someone LOVING ME. I honestly think that I held it so deep inside that my dad left me that I needed a man to love me and not leave, I needed to feel like I was lovable... wow.. I rememebr when I was 16, before I found out I was pregnant with my first son... I prayed that i was pregnant. I was so deeply excited when the nurse told me it was positive. I had NO job, NO money and was only a freshman in highschool. I lived with my boyfriend and his parents and to be honest our relationship wasn't great, whos is at 16? but I didn't care I was determined that this was a WONDERFUL THING... (it is I love my son dearly and yes he knows all of this!) I had peopel beg me to have an abortion, not for me, I honestly and deeply at one point considered adoption but couldnt do it.
My family stepped up, my grand parents were AMAZING without them I don't even want to think of what could have happend. BUT WOW WAS I IN FOR A WAKE UP CALL...first baby, single (haha you thought 16 year old daddy would stick around... you have a sense of humor to!) no job or money and now no education. OH did I mention he was colicky??? and I had to have a c-section... well I got in school and loved every single second of my son... I never was angry with him or really felt overwhelmed BUT my grandparents did more than I ever realized until recently (I grew up lol)
I know now that my son was not born for the right reasons, he was not born to parents that wanted to have a child to raise and love... he was born to fill a void in a childs heart. He was born so I knew I would have someone to love me... he does.. but I needed someone to fill the daddy role in my life, which left me with a child that very well may have the same daddy issues I had (however my son is blessed with an AMAZING FATHER NOW!!!!)
Tonight I was able to talk to one of my children and explain to her what it means to "accidently" become pregant, how I was stuck at a cross roads.. I had two decisions... well three but still..1) had to choose to "give up my dreams" and become a mom.. 2) go against everything I had ever believed in and have an abortion or 3) give my baby to someone else that could love it. I really only considered having him.. but whle explaining these crossroads to my beautiful child it left me wondering where my life could have gone, would have gone, had I not had my children at the age I did.
In the situation I lived in I can honsetly say I do not know where it would have gone... I believe that having my son at 16 may have saved me...I am not sure. I lived in a dead end place with NOTHING. I was in school but hell having my baby so young I still graduated higschool... even a year early! I do not know if I would have gone to college.. I had no money.. I don't know. I do know I would not have the relationships I have now.. and that to me is not worth it.
THIS BEING SAID... I was talking to my daughter that is NOT pregnant nor planning on becoming so but she has amazing plans, amazing future and is a wonderful person.. I needed her to understand that choices have consequences, pregnancy, aids, college, mcdonalds, all potential outcomes to choices... I guess it comes down to
WHAT CHOICES ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE TODAY? because one way or another... they will affect your tomorrow.
The New... and improved?
so i am beginning again.... I have blogged in the past, I have laid it all out there. My life has taken a turn, a turn for the better but a turn none the less. Things in my life are not always easy, things are crazy.I have 4 natural children and another in the home I consider my own. Two of my kids have ADHD, my third child was severly burned when he was 4, has epilepsy, asthma, allergies and a GREAT sense of humor. I am fighting for custody (I currently share) of my two youngest boys, my husbad is amazing, couldn't ask for a better man in my life. However he (WE) are dealing with the residule affects of un-dealt with PTSD and the joyful moments that come with it. I have a daughter that is coming into "that" age... yea enough said... and a son that thinks he should be the dad (this comes from a dad that deploys) I myself have a crazy family ( I love 'em but they are crazy!) I am trying to make a home business in the nutritional market a succsess (HEY I am loosing weight and feeling great!) and the stress that comes from all of the above has some how found an amazing resting place on MY SHOULDERS..... yea me.
if you made it this far... GOLD STAR FOR YOU....
I want to beginto blog more often, I want to discuss my struggles, my triumphs, my fears and my excitments. I want to do this in a place where I do not feel judged, I have choosen to do this online not because I want the world to hear me cry but because there JUST MIGHT be one person in the world that my words help, I am going to be vague when it comes to using names as well... I may need to protect the NOT innocent hahaha
if you made it this far... GOLD STAR FOR YOU....
I want to beginto blog more often, I want to discuss my struggles, my triumphs, my fears and my excitments. I want to do this in a place where I do not feel judged, I have choosen to do this online not because I want the world to hear me cry but because there JUST MIGHT be one person in the world that my words help, I am going to be vague when it comes to using names as well... I may need to protect the NOT innocent hahaha
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