fear....

Its official I am becoming one with my fear. I am not invincable and I am learning to be okay with that. Tomorrow is my first official test with my new Gastrointerologist. He is concerned that I may be suffering from Colon Cancer. I do not truly believe this is the case but I can't help but be paralzed with fear every now and then. I honestly do not know what I would do if A was not by my side for all of these appts. My husband has to work and my mom really can't be out in public to much do to her own health issues. I have my barium study tomorrow. Intially anyway.I don't know if they will be doing more or not, it depends on scheduling. I am trying so hard to hold everything together, or maybe I am just trying to hold it all in, I am not sure.

I am so emotional the last couple days, I can honestly say I am not sure if it is anxiety or "that time of the month" btu I know I find myself crying for no reason, and sleeping so very much. I know the reason for the sleepy, well I am assuming it is from everything going on with my body. I am still making it to my workouts, but I swear a day without a nap is hard! I need to get me fixed. The only thing that seems to give me energy lately is Spark (love ADVOCARE) and working out. I love it, I feel so motivated and proud of myself, I wish I was seeing more weight loss but I am sure I will get over this hump.

I hate the days that I feel vulnerable and scared of what is to come. I hate feeling like the marter in our family and I hate that there is no easy button in life. I love that I have an amazing family, I love that my health is important to me, I love that I have at least 10 reasons to smile every morning, I love that I have more love than hate in my life... I love that I leave for hawaii in FIVE days hehe....

I felt like I was going to get on here and really just emotionally let go tonite. Admit that I want to cry, admit that I am scared beyond words.. I thought for sure this was going to be a really long blog. But I am suprising myself that its not. I have never been one to admit fear, let alone be okay with it. I am NOT okay with it. I am not one that you will see crying in a corner, or shaking in my shoes. I am that one that is scared or uncomfertable and cracking jokes to keep the mood light. The more uncomfertable I am the more jokes I am making. That is just who I ahve always been, its easier to laugh then cry, not to mention  I am NOT one of those people that can be pretty while they are crying. I am an UGLY cryer, puffy eyes, snotty nose. Yea you know what I mean!

I do not want bad news from this test.... but to be honest I think I will be more devastated with NO news. I have been getting NO answers for to long now, I am always in pain yet no one knows why... its a mystery that drives me insane. I feel like I overcame one thing just to be hit by another. When I hurt my back 15 months ago it took what seemed like forever for me to recover, it was horrible. I was facing back surgery at 28 years old. This was not okay. I pushed myself harder that any physical therapist would and began to see improvment, I spend most days pain free (in regards to my back) now, I know thsi will be a life long problem but I think I can manage it medication free. THEN BAM this happens I swear. I hate taking pain medication. I hate being dependent on anything I hate taking anything that can make you dependent. But here I am again, most evenings needing something for the pain, I need it during the day as well but 85% of the time I take nothing, the fear of actually becoming dependant on something like that is imobalizing to me. I can NEVER become thaperson.

At this point I can actually say, any answer would be a relief. I know that sounds niave and maybe I should be careful what I ask for but in reality I can work with anything, as long as I know what I am working with. I feel like the love and bond that my family, and extended family, has for me will pull me through anything but it is pretty hard to pull somebody through something when you don't know what you are pulling against. I can't help but wonder if peopkle think I am faking or full of it. I start every conversation with doctors saying the same thing, "I do not want pain medication. I just want an answer" it dosen't matter I usually leave with a perscription and no answers :( but hopefully, God willing we are moving one step closer.... to the truth one step closer to an answer and maybe, just maybe... one step closer to a cure....

well my lovely followers I must rest.. my amazing boys are coming home tomorrow and I am down to just 5 days till I leave for Hawaii and I haven't even made my packing list (if you know me this is AMAZING!) I will however have it all doen by this weekend and have all non-essential items packed. I can't wait.