Today I went to the GI specialist regarding the pain in my abdomen, it is unforgiving pain I swear. The appointment started off as any other, please tell me the whole story....well I did, The doctor told me that he was suspecting that I was suffering from scar tissue, however he also said that he was still waiting for the nursed to pull up the records from all of the testing I have had in the last month. While we were talking the nurse came in with all of the paperwork. After going over everything. The doctor asked to begin the physical examination. Not much has changed, pain pain pain. While as the doctor is doing the examination I quickly realized this was not the same. He was pushing in different areas, he was causing different pain. I noticed the difference easily. As did my "daughter" that was with me. When the exam was over the doctor helped me sit up and he told me that he has only had 4 patients that needed as many colonoscopys as I have had in this short of a time and 3 of them had cancer. The doctor told me that he would be surprised if what I am suffering from is not serious. He told me that he has been doing this job for 18 years and in this time he had never been surprised yet. He told me the slew of tests he wants to start with, he told me about the diet changes I need to make and reminded me that he thinks we are dealing with something serious.
Many people would be freaked out at this news, however I had no reaction,. I looked at A and told her, I am to stubborn for this, Which quickly turned into the joke that I am way to cool for cancer, Cancer was so yesterday lol. I left it at that. Didn't think about it just let it go. As the day went on I still didn't think about it, didn't want to. I had a hair appointment and we had Zumba at 5:30.
When I got home I was just exhausted, to much UP time for my tummy.. well I laid in bed and just kind of chewed on my day. A lot went on today. But in reality there is more than many know. Financial issues seem to be bearing their head a lot lately. We are surviving but not the way we should. I collect unemployment however my ex-husband has begun to collect state assistant for himself and our boys that we share custody of. Because of this the state has decided that I should pay child support TO MY EX. My ex just needed to send ONE piece of paper to stop the collection but surprise surprise he didn't. Which lead to me requesting a trial with child support as they are now withholding my unemployment. they were going to be sending it to my ex but because I requested the hearing they are now HOLDING the money not giving it to him but it is still not in my hand where it belongs.
Well because of this I have been holding a lot of anxiety inside. I have felt so guilty since I have not been working because my husband goes to work every single day. To support us, to take care of us and to do what is best for us. I hate that the financial stress is on him every day as well as the work and everything else. I spend some days ridden with guilt, I just want to free him of that. I have decided that I will throw myself back into my Advocare business as well as the newest adventure I am looking forward to getting involved with. I am going to support my husband and our family in the best way I can. I laid in bed with my husband tonight and cried, and cried and cried. He put his arms around me and assured me over and over again that he loves me. He told me that he would rather me not be working right now, he told me I have to take care of my health. He told me he loves coming home from work and seeing me with our children. He said that he loves seeing the pride on my face when I get my Advocare check every other week. I couldn't help but feel the love from him tonite. I know that God has placed certain people in my life right now. I know that God has my best interests at heart.
I have had an amazing man, Uncle John, given to me. To support me, love me and let me vent, I have my husband who supports me and reassures me when even I know I sound silly. God has most recently put A in my life. Reminding me how wonderful it is to have a new love in your life. I have T-J-J-C&G in my life every day, reminding me why I love being a mom. I love these children more every day. And these children are helping me work on myself daily and they don't even know it!
I think the most amazing things that were said to me tonite
Tomorrow I am going to meet a great friend for Zumba, we will work out, I just need her company along with my girls. I have been so angry with myself for the way my body has been reacting to life. I hate that I am finally for the first time in my life been making consistent healthy choices, I eat right I exercise and I am getting healthier every day. But once again my body is failing me, pain for no apparent reason. Vomiting a couple times a day, its like I am pregnant without the amazingly wonderful side affects from pregnancy. the pain makes me vomit, the vomit makes me vomit ugh its an ugly cycle with my wonderful body. I have recognized the ugly head of depression that has began rearing its head back into my life. I know I have talked about it. this in the past but recently I have finally decided to fix it. And like I tell the girls in the house the only person in charge of my behavior is ME. I have to take charge to be the best me I can, it is the best way to honor God and my family. I am going to be ME, I will have my hard days, my bad days and even the days that I want to quit but I am going to continue to be me. The me that I like.
AND I leave for Hawaii in LESS than a week whoo hooo
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