happy+hurt...what wins?

what a day, what a week, what life. Yup what a life I lead. I have an amazing one don't I.

Today started out great, I had my kids with me, breakfast in bed, brunch with more family and swimming with the kids. It was a great day! How is it that you can have such an amazing day yet have your heart hurt at the same time. I wanted nothing more than all of my kids together for mothers day. I coudln't help but take it personally when the one child we have "adopted" choose to spend the day with her biological mother. It was so hard to watch her run out the door, excited to get back to the day she was leading there. I understand why it is that she wanted to be there (now I do anyway) however understanding something in your head and being okay with it in your heart is two different things.

You see this daughter of mine is amazing. I am the one she comes to when she needs advice, information, help, money, support, insurance, love, a home you name it My husband and I are her parents in every respect of the word. I don't know why it bothers me so much. I know she loves us, I know she loves ME I know this.. I really do. But it was so hard to not let the hurt take over today. I couldn't help but check my phone feverishly every time it went off just in case it was her. Then when it finally was her I found myself so hurt that I felt like the only reason she said the words "happy mothers day" was because someone reminded her to say so. I have no idea if someone did or not but it didn't matter.

I told her how hurt I was, assured her I loved her anyway but the hurt was still there. She apologized prefusely and assured me she would make it up to me, how does one make up hurt? I told her that I just need her to realize how ones actions can affect someone else. She said she would but how can one judge that.

 I struggle with my feelings of guilt when it comes to the kids, I feel like a softy. I am the one that will say, I feel bad doing this. And when it comes to the oldest ones I tend to bite my tongue so that I don't hurt anyones feelings. I love everyone in my family so very much I don't want it to change. Well thats not true.. but I don't want hurt feelings, or bad blood between anyone.

I am so excited we leave for Hawaii on Tuesday.. techincally that is TOMORROW (it is almost 1am)

I guess I am writing this only to sort through my feelings of hurt, sadness and guilt of being mean. I guess I have to work through all of this now, before the other kids are old enough to get one over on me. I believe God has put this and all obstacles up to this in my path for a reason... this to will make me stronger...