how many times?

How many times can you tell someone something before you have the right to be upset with them for not listening. I swear. I can say over and over and over again what it is that I NEED yet I get the opposite. I know i should not complain, I have an amazing life. I have so much to be thankful but it drives me crazy.

So the reason for my blog tonite. My children see a counselor. Between dealing with deployments and just general life I thought it was good for my children to have somewhere safe that they can unload. Periodically I meet with the counselor to discuss progress, and what I am seeing at home as they usually do not coinside with eachother.

This meeting was about my daughter. She is an amazing creature but very emotional. In reality what I have to say in this blog has nothing to do with her at all. While talking to the counselor about ways we could deal with her "emotional" moments. I was able to once again reflect on myself again.

I have learne that I have hard time when she has emotional break downs because of my mothers drinking when i was a child. I litteraly SHUT DOWN when someone is crying for what I see to be no reason. I have no empathy for them, no sympathy NOTHING. I have no emotion. This being said if someone is hurt and crying it does not upset or bother me. But the emotional crying drives me crazy I get upset when she gets emotional. I hate blabimg my issues on anyone but the counselor helped me see that because of the way I was "programmed" as a child I had to shut down when my mother was crying (emotional alcoholic) so as a child I knew I couldn't fix the upset adult so I shut down. Now as an aduly I still shut down when someone cries.

I can't help but wonder if I am ever going to get over this. Sometimes it is so hard for me to hug my own child when they are upset because I am having to force myself to fake empathy. I have learned that I need to learn patience, learn to be patient with others as well as myself. I have learned that I am the way I am emotionally because I was programed this way. I have to learn to be a better person emotionally for my children. I do not want them to have the same restrictions emotionally that I have.

I am slowly learning to allow others to love me. I have no problem loving others, I tend to maybe give my love away to easily sometimes. But I do not let many people in. I am always afraid of being hurt. Getting let down or having promises broken that I so desperatly want to believe.

I have spent most of my life getting let down. I have had parents, family, lovers, friends, and many others tell me something, let me believe something or even promise me soemthing just to take it back. Let me down and break my heart. It hurts so much when you want something plan for it, dream of it then just have it all taken away. I remember being a kid, we lived in a trailer park, my mom was going somewhere and she told me the night before I could go. One of her friends at the last minute was able to go so she told me that morning that I wasn't going, I remember looking out of the window, hands on the window (like in a movie) crying.. bawling...feeling so alone.. left..abandoned. She came home but I remember hurting so bad staring out the window hoping she would come back for me... she didn't. I remember having planned for weeks to go to my grandmas for a family reunioin, my aunt was suppose to pick me up. The apartment we lived in had a locking door and my mom was suppose to unlock it. She didn't. I kept waiting and waiting and waiting.. I finally went downstairs just to find a note from my aunt saying she came but I wasn't outside and the door was locked so she left. This was before cell phones (I don't know why she didn't go to a pay phone, I don't know if we even had a phone) I just remember crying and feeling left again.. so alone. unwanted.. wow I am sensing a theme here. Maybe this is why I cry some mornings when my husband leaves for work, I know he has to but I feel so alone... abandoned...

Planning things that I do not control scares me now. I tend to wait to make CONCRETE plans until I know I can control the outcome. It is so hard for me to have a promise broken. Even little things. When someone says "this weekend we will go to the beach" if we don't go I feel betrayed and abandoned. If my husband tells me we are going to go for a run but we don't I feel angry and hurt. But I recognize what is going on now....

Sometimes it is hard to believe that good things are going to happen. I celebrate another day closer to hawaii every day (10 days...well 9 now that its after midnight) but part of me is so reserved, and scared to get excited. Will this feeling ever pass? will I ever be able to just roll with the punches?

I am a list maker.. I am a control freak I can't help it I try to relax and sometimes I am able to and others I cant