smile at least ONCE today

Man I layed in the dark, next to the love of my life, begging for sleep to find me... but NOPE my mind is racing with Hawaii and packing and appointments ugh.. so I get my computer out just to find I am yawning like crazy.

So today I was faced with some stuff. It was hard to face. Even harder to not know what to say. My husband and I have been blessed to be able to provide a wonderful home to our children and for whatever reason have been able to provide a stable home for a couple extras as well. Not always wonderful but stable! We have two great girls living with us that remind me of myself in so many ways, but both for different reasons. T has become an amazing woman, learning more about herself everyday. Learning to allow others to teach her, to show her what her consequences may be.. learning.. but doing great! A is the newest addition to our "wobbly" little family. But none the less an important aspect to it already. I have grown to love A as if she is one of my own in a very short time. I have always been able to love others but not neccesariyl to allow them to see me.. the real me.. vulnerable and scared, and see what has got me here. I am letting her in. I am not sure why, maybe to help her, maybe to help me I am not sure. But I could not picture my life without her right now. I look into those brown eyes and I see hurt, anger, grief, lonelieness and the longing to be loved.. but I have to wait until she feels she is worth those things... completly.

I understand what it is to grow up in a home where you always feel like you are #2... second best, not to a person or a thing just to life. In my case I was #2 to alcohol and drugs ... she knows hers. The reality is it does not mater what the #1 is. If a child does not feel as though he/she has that place in your life they might as well be the dirt outside. Not worthy of love or respect, always looking for it somewhere, usually in the wrong place. I remember when I found out i was pregnant at 16 I was excited.. it meant something would love me forever. WOW... So many times people see families from the outside. They see the family that is "well off" maybe seem to be the perfect family. But they are unable to see the inside dynamic. Step families, 1/2 siblings, no siblings.. whatever it is. Many people stop looking at the perfect family at the door. They never see what is going on inside. The do not see the hurt, the mean words, the dirty looks, broken promises and down right pain caused by those that live inside. We as the children are groomed to smile and wave, make the family look perfect. But no one wants to see the pain in the eyes of the child... of the adult... of the person in front of them just begging to FINALLY be accepted.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has choices in their lives that they would change if they could. If they knew the consequences. The true parents in life, the true people that are deserving of that title are the parents that can look PAST the mistake and still love the child. I am not saying a parent should leave themselves open to be taken advantage of, nor should they continue to coddle a child that has clearly left the nest. Sometimes loving a child is kicking them out, but still answering their phone calls. Setting boundaries but still saying I love you. A real parent loves their child THROUGH the mistake.

It is so hard for me to have "adults" in my life that have been hurt since childhood, programmed to think they are not worth genuine unconditional love. I think it is so hard for me not because I can't handle their pain but because I feel my own with it. I have struggled so long with fear of alcohol. Hatred of drugs. And anger toward my mother and step father that I thought I had long before let go of. I am able to move forward wtih my mother as she has accepted responsibility for her actions, she realizes what she did. However my step father has had no reprucussions, even as an adult I have tried to help him, bail him out of jail. Just to have my heart broken again, broken promises and incomplete truths. I wish I could just not believe him but their is always part of a daughters heart that believes her "daddy" will save her no matter what. HAHAHA

It is so hard tolook at a human being that you have began to love and see them cry due to the pain (emotionally) that has been inflicted upon them by someone that is suppose to love them. Is suppose to be a parent. Why can't people understand that words hurt. They may just be words but they hurt and a simple flamboyant "im sorry' does not make them go away. It does not remove the hurt, the tears or the anger. It does nothing but make the bearer of the mean words feel even more guilty for being angry. My husband is guilty of this, he will say something that is hurtful or not thinka bout what he is really saying, he will be in a bad mood and ruin everyones day then when he is done with whatever is bothering him he wants to continue like NOTHING ever happened. GRR that makes me so mad I always feel like my hurt feelings and anger mean nothing to him. I hate that feeling.

So how should a child deal with those feelings from a parent. The people that are suppse to love and support us through anything. I believe the only thing we as adults can do is stand tall. Accept the information that is pertinant to the situation and trash the rest. easier said than done! I believe that the person recieveing the information has to look at the whole situation, look at the soured relationship and think back to a time when it was not, remember that time. Is the situation salvagable. Be honest with yourself you are an adult do you even want to TRY to salvage it? As an adult I learned, I do not have to LIKE my family. I do have to LOVE them ( I am not speaking about my hubby and kids here lol) but I don'thave to like what they do or accept it in my life. I have had a family member that manipulated situations, caused drama and hurt and I choose to remove that from my life. I still love this person but I no longer associate with them in anyway. My life has been very drama free since!

I have no idea why I am writing this blog tonite, I am tired and just needed to think of something other than my girls, how upset they can be... all three of my girls are amazing to me. Today was a beautiful day, we spent the day shopping and ended with a nice hike (ended short due to SNAKES eewww) a visit to the river and ice cream stop! the dog loved it to! we had a great time however the truth is we were just preparing to GO TO HAWAII...

I have my TO DO list written.. some of the things are write letters to the kids, record a couple books for Gman and make appointments. Well I better get some rest so I can get on that. Sleep well and know that it is important to smile at LEAST once a day, someone is in love with that smile and it would be mean to withold it from them!