CHOICES

Love hurts, when you love someone that it physically hurts to be away from them then you know you have the real thing. The problem for me as I was younger wasn't thinking I was in love, not at all... it was allowing anyone to love me back.

I didn't have an easy growing up, it could have been worse, but it was not easy. I love who I am today, and I firmly believe I am ME because of what I went through... however....

I know I supplementd "daddy love" with any love from men. Well to be honest BOYS but thats neither here nor there... I would never had addmited this when I was younger, I honestly do not think I even knew it.. but looking back (gotta love that hind sight) I was craving love, the feel of someone LOVING ME. I honestly think that I held it so deep inside that my dad left me that I needed a man to love me and not leave, I needed to feel like I was lovable... wow.. I rememebr when I was 16, before I found out I was pregnant with my first son... I prayed that i was pregnant. I was so deeply excited when the nurse told me it was positive. I had NO job, NO money and was only a freshman in highschool. I lived with my boyfriend and his parents and to be honest our relationship wasn't great, whos is at 16? but I didn't care I was determined that this was a WONDERFUL THING... (it is I love my son dearly and yes he knows all of this!) I had peopel beg me to have an abortion, not for me, I honestly and deeply at one point considered adoption but couldnt do it.

My family stepped up, my grand parents were AMAZING without them I don't even want to think of what could have happend. BUT WOW WAS I IN FOR A WAKE UP CALL...first baby, single (haha you thought 16 year old daddy would stick around... you have a sense of humor to!) no job or money and now no education. OH did I mention he was colicky??? and I had to have a c-section... well I got in school and loved every single second of my son... I never was angry with him or really felt overwhelmed BUT my grandparents did more than I ever realized until recently (I grew up lol)

I know now that my son was not born for the right reasons, he was not born to parents that wanted to have a child to raise and love... he was born to fill a void in a childs heart. He was born so I knew I would have someone to love me... he does.. but I needed someone to fill the daddy role in my life, which left me with a child that very well may have the same daddy issues I had (however my son is blessed with an AMAZING FATHER NOW!!!!)

Tonight  I was able to talk to one of my children and explain to her what it means to "accidently" become pregant, how I was stuck at a cross roads.. I had two decisions... well three but still..1) had to choose to "give up my dreams" and become a mom.. 2) go against everything I had ever believed in and have an abortion or 3) give my baby to someone else that could love it. I really only considered having him.. but whle explaining these crossroads to my beautiful child it left me wondering where my life could have gone, would have gone, had I not had my children at the age I did.

In the situation I lived in I can honsetly say I do not know where it would have gone... I believe that having my son at 16 may have saved me...I am not sure. I lived in a dead end place with NOTHING. I was in school but hell having my baby so young I still graduated higschool... even a year early! I do not know if I would have gone to college.. I had no money.. I don't know. I do know I would not have the relationships I have now.. and that to me is not worth it.

THIS BEING SAID... I was talking to my daughter that is NOT pregnant nor planning on becoming so but she has amazing plans, amazing future and is a wonderful person.. I needed her to understand that choices have consequences, pregnancy, aids, college, mcdonalds, all potential outcomes to choices... I guess it comes down to

WHAT CHOICES ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE TODAY? because one way or another... they will affect your tomorrow.