Today I made my appointment with the surgeon, tomorrow I will have my appointment with the GI specialist and to be honest I am really freaked out. I am not concerned of what they will find please do not think that this is my concern. My worry is that something is wrong... I know I know.. I have been dealing with this pain for so long I should want an answer. I DO WANT an answer I want to know what is wrong but the fear of actually hearing the words that SOMETHING is wrong. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I am a control freak, I want everything done on my time in my way and when something with ME goes wrong it shows me all over again that I really am not in charge of ANYTHING...
Tonight I had the amazing opportunity to sit with two amazing young woman, share experiences, fears, pride, hrt and my experiences. (I even let them talk a little haha) I know that my calling has been to work with "troubled teens" since well since I was one. I hate the term "AT RISK" we are ALL at risk for something and I really do not even like the tearm "troubled" every person in the world is "troubled" with something but the truth is I do not have a calling to work with kids that have it all together.. I want to help kids that I see myself in... the ones that struggle to see WHO THEY ARE through all the crap the world hands them on a daily basis. Tonight I got to do that a little...... I thank God every day for what I have learned in my life, and even more when I see that it JUST MIGHT help someone else.
~I did not however realize how emotionaly naked this experience would leave me. I sat down and talked with these ladies for a good solid couple of hours. I really see so much of myself in each of them for completly different reasons. They are both so amazing, strong and resilient people... I left the room.. came to mine and laid in my husbands arms and cried...so many things in my past still hurt me that I didn't realize still hurt. How can a person carry so much baggage yet never feel the weight. I said something to the girls, I told them that the issues that we have as people will never disapear, we will never be "fixed" there will always be another issue ready to pop up and always somethign within yourself that you need to work on... I believe this and tonite I reminded myself of it. The funny things is as I laid in my lovers arms I realized I wasn't crying because I was hurting... I was not regretting... I was simply reminicing... and feeling...remembering...kind of like watching a television show, it dosen't REALLY affect you.. but you connect so you cry...weird? maybe but I am okay with that...I am okay with me..
As my husband drifted off to sleep next to me I turned to my WONDEROUS DVR I love this invention. I have recorded 16 and pregant and Teen mom and the like for awhile now (thanks TAMARA) I again relate to so many of these stories. I find myself in tears time and time again. I have struggled with the want of another child for a long time. When my husband was deployed we decided we wanted another child. We quickly decided in reality we do not want a child.. another child.. we have 4 kids plus 1 and another in the house seeking herself as well.. we love our family and we are both in agreement of not SERIOUSLY wanting more kids... however this has left me wondering what is it that has me LONGING for a baby, not a toddler ( I already have one of those) but a baby, a child that shares BOTH of our DNA... and I have really only come to one real conclusion. I am 28... at this point in my life (I guess about 2 years ago when this started) is about when a womans body is physically and mentally mature enough to have children, at this point the "maternal clock" turns on... my body started to think TIME FOR BABIES...when in reality I started 11 years ago (9 at that time) I do not know if this is scientific in anyway... I think another thing I struggled with is my husband does not share DNA with any child he has not fathered (biologically) I want him to have a baby, to go through the beginnig to the end. My husband has re assured me over and over that he does not NEED a DNA match he has told me over and over and over again that the kids are his kids, he didnt change their diapers (exept the youngest) but that does not change that the oldest two have his name and to be honest if you were to ask my husband how many kids he has... without hesitation his answer would be 4... I know that we do not NEED another baby.. I know that in HONESTY I don't want another baby... I guess it all comes back to biology... and the residule fear that my husband may change his mind (even though he tells me I am crazy for this thought.. go figure me .. crazy lol) so I guess this little paragraph is part of that all over the place part... but there is a point...
tonight I was watching one of these shows, a teenager struggling with the thought of putting her infant up for adoption, I was crying, not bawling but deffinatly crying...without even being awake... my husbanmd rolled over and put his arm around me, kissed the back of my head and "snuggled" in. Without even knowing it... he knew it. I decided this was when the television would get turned off and I would go to bed. I rolled toward him only to get pulled in closer, here him mutter he loves me and hear the light snoring start again. I wanted to sleep.. I did..but I couldn't... I laid there in the light of the television staring at this man that for a reason that I don't understand choose me... he didn't HAVE to be with me, he had NO ties to me.. NOTHING.. there was NOTHING in it for him.. he wasn't avoiding child support or supporthing his"baby momma" NOTHING but he CHOOSE to not only be with me... but my FOUR children. and the drama that comes with that.. FOUR CHILDREN did I say that loud enough... three boys and a girl... and the issues that come from divorce, and a single mom but he choose it... my husband not only choose it.. he fought for it.. he WANTED me and our kids... wow I just realized a little more how much I love this man.. I am sitting at my computer at 4:15 in the morning crying because I have no idea what I ever did to deserve this...
my husband is NOT perfect.. I am not going to lie and say he is the perfect man and I would never change anything.. I hate when woman say that.. come ON if I DESIGNED my husband... he would NEVER leave dirty socks on the floor.. he woudln't snore haha okay so all kidding aside he is not perfect but I think he is perfect for me... I love him so much my heart actually aches when he goes to work.. I miss him.. I get giddy when he texts me good morning.. or calls me druing his lunch break just to check on me... but tonite after the conversations, television and whatever else (NO I AM NOT ON MY PERIOD OR HORMONAL :) ) I just firmly believe I have found my soul mate... the man God created for me. I know there will be bumps in the road I know we will fight and disagree BUT I am looking forward to it...i am looking forward to forever.
WOW..I am looking over everything I have in my life and all the plans and goals I have had for my life and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am blessed without a shadow of a doubt. I am more in love with my children and my husband than I have ever been.. and for the first time in my life I am HONESTLY serisouly looking forward to my future... not because I want the present to hurry past...which was the case in the past...but because I am looking forward to building all of our memories...
this brings me to my oldest son. he is 3 years old... he will forever be my BABY... I remember being a mom to my oldest children (who are 11 and 9) I remember saying WHILE IN THE HOSPITAL having my oldest child " I can't wait until he is grown up so we can hang out and play together" I wasn't looking forward to the walking the curiosity. I missed so much with my oldes three children, more so the oldest two. But I again am so blessed to have figured this out now. My son is almost all the way potty trained and I LOVE IT.. I love the excitment he gets when we put on big boy underwear.. Ilove that he HATES when I call him my baby.. I love the excitment in his voice when he tells me about how he wants to build a jet pack so we can fly to hawaii whenever we want... he is three years old and tells me .. I am not your baby I am your snuggle bug... I am missing him so very much tonite... he is at his dads house I spent a full hour on the phone with him today having a real conversation, he was so excited about this jet pack and a new shirt....I hate being away from him for a week at a time...I talk to him almost daily but I miss him so much...During spring break I wanted to do something with the kids that they would all love, hard when your kids very in age like mine... but again with the honesty I wanted to do something that my "baby" would LOVE... he is so curious, I skipped this stage.. school.. work.. indifference..niave whatever you want to call but the curiosity and excitment that he shows every day over the littlest things just amazes me...so I choose to take them to the Northwest trek.. its an animal preserve that has all different animals.... I can not describe the amazing feeling I had, all of the kids had a great time.. my cousin and her kids and nephew came my oldest "daughter" came so we ranged in ages of 18-3 on this trip and EVERYONE even the two of us that are a "little" older than 18 enjoyed it. By my sons choosing we had a picnic lunch it was just GREAT... if you follow me on facebook the pictures are there...I can not believe how much I missed out on with my other kids... I owe them the biggest apology.
~I have tried to make it up to them with other memories, dora birthday party all hand done, suprise birthday parties, suprise homecoming for my husbands R&R... but in all honesty (I am seeing a theme in tonites blog) I feel like selfishly I missed out on so much with them... BECAUSE of my grandparents.. I graduated highschool, got nights out and was able to be a kid and a parent but because of my age and my need to work and everything else there are large chunks of times that I don't even know when I slept let alone taking time to make sure I could SOMETHING to see that twinkle in their eyes...
~I am NOT beating myself up over this, I am looking at this in a very thankful way right now... I am looking at it like God has enlightened me .. reminded me to be thankful for the little things... I have found days where it hurts to even get out bed, moving can cause so much pain that I vomit immediatly but my "snuggle bug" and I are laying in my bed reading stories about dinosaurs and underpants...these are memories that he will have forever.. the chance ot have this time with even just ONE of my children is great, but to have all of them get involved.. YES I have sat with my youngest on my lap and all of the others will stand or squeeze in and we read.. even the oldest (who is a boy and STILL loves his mommys kisses!) will sit and listen to the hungry hungry catapillar. I wish there was MORE of me so I could give this attention to each of them every single day.. I love I that I have them.. okay not beating myself up but deffinatly wallowing in some pity here....
I have decided that this blog is all over the place, it is almost 5 am I have not slept I am tired, I got my husband to work and cried when he left.. he came back to make sure I was okay.. not because he saw me cry (he didn't) but because he realized I am still awake...I love having a man that recognizes the little things..I have reminiced in this "short" update tha last 11 years or so..
If you are reading this and you have a child, whether you are young old or just right.. PLEASE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE QUIET MOMENTS... read a story.. even if your child walks away.. keep reading it out loud they WILL come back.. they will NOT remember the hours you spent folding laundry... but they WILL remember the nightly story you read them... PLEASE if not for me for YOU take the time to recognize the small things that will excite your child.. the animals.. the zoo anything...take a day off work, call in sick.. buy an umbella go even if its raining... HELL if you don't have enough money... PICK a rainy day.. take your child and just jump in mud puddles.... do SOMETHING that makes them smile.. and take the time to enjoy the smile... it will be worth it.. and even if they don't remember (they will DEFINATLY REMEMBER) you will...forever
BECAUSE MY BLOG IS VIEWABLE BY THE PUBLIC I AM NOT PUTTING PICTURES OF MY KIDS OR FAMILY MEMBERS WHERE THEIR FACES ARE VISABLE...if you follow me on facebook there are more pictures there as my facebook page is private. Thank you for understanding...
in this picture you can see my youngest son is getting high 5 from a beaver... he still talks about this...
on the tram ride the only time he had his head INSIDE was to make sure I was looking to...the best view was the back of his head because he was sooo into spotting animals..
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