daily life

so many things happen in my daily life. Today alone I had to take my middle son to the doctors, for xrays, to the pharmacy, back to the doctor to get casted then finally home. This was all because my children have something against walking upright grrr they fall over everything!

I have an older child living in my home I love her like my own, I would and have done eveyrthing for her however I struggle when I see her heading down a path that could lead to trouble. I know she has an amazing future in front of her, she can do anythign she sets her mind to. However she is addicted to male company, not in a sexual way just in an actual company sense, she lacks the daddy figure, other than my hubby. However that is 17 years without a postive roll model. I loose sleep at night because I am worried that something will happen to her. I always allow her to make her own choices, however I always try to give her some advice to help steer her in the CORRECT direction. I just worry so much that she will go down a path I have already prooven to be detremental to anyones health... I guess I am just amazed that I can love someone that did not come from my body as if she did....

This brings me to her friends, she has em, I tend to be the mother hen to all these teenage girls that need advice... I don't know why they all trust me with their inner most secrets but they do. One of her friends found herself pregnant, her and the daddy are not together, though still friends, they decided they did not want to be parents. I found myself playing the roll of counselor, sitting with this girl telling her the options she had, explaining that there are so many people in the world, some I know personally, that would do and give anythign to be parents, to be AMAZING parents but can't or haven't yet... but then I am faced with this girl that is willing to just kill what she has. I know it is a personal choice and I believe this, however to me it is murder. I will not judge anyone for this choice, to me calling it murder is just a fact. There are cases where I believe this to be a valid option however not when two consentual adults make the choice to have sex and get pregnant knowing full well the possible consequences of their actions. ANYWAY this is not about me and my soap box conversations. I found myself crying myself to sleep over the decisions this young girl had to make and the decision I was pretty sure she was going to go with. I can't help but come back to the day I found out I was pregnant, it was raining and cold in Long Beach Washington in the health department, I was 16 and pretty sure I was pregant but had to have it confirmed and could not afford an actual pregnancy test (this should have been the FIRST sign I wasn't ready to be bringing children into the world) I however was excited to be pregnatn, I wanted a little boy, I made an agreement with God. If he gave me a boy I would make sure that my child knew God and his ways... I have my son and he knows and loves God so very much.

I found otu today the choice this young girl made and it sorrowed me more than I thought it would. I felt like a piece of me was missing. It has been decisded that my husband and I will not be having anymore children. While I knwo this is best for us, financially and mentally it still sadens me to think that I will never feel a baby grow inside of me again...(again with the bunny trails) I want to go to my "daughters" friend and just wrap my arms around her and hold her, tell her she will be okay. Even though the decision she made was not one that I would have ever wanted for myself I can't help but yearn to help ease the pain that I am sure she is feeling, physically and mentally. I do not understand how someone can want something or I guess not want something then find themselves in mental anguish over it... I mean I do understand but I wishI could fix it, I wish I could make every one happy.... to remove the pain from people.

Then again I firmly believe that it is completly assanine that we have to have a license to catch a fish but ANYONE can make a child... why can't anyone catch a fish and we require a licence to have a baby? I mean HELLO... yea that is another blog for another day I guess.....

I lay here in bed with the man of my dreams knowing that I have an amazing life and an amazing family but can't help but wonder WHAT IF... I made different choices... how would my life be different, but I can't. I can't even fathom what my life would be like without any of my children... even on the hard days it physically hurts my heart to think of life without them