Pity Party

what a roller coaster of a day. I had my husband call me before Noon to tell me he was on his way home for the DAY... I had a doctors appt that I didn't have to go to alone and we got to spend the day with my amazing in laws.

I am one of those wifes that was blessed with amazing inlaws. I love my entire married into family. I mean that is not to say that we don't have our moments but my husbands family is amazing, his sister is a woman with aheart that others only  wish they could have, she loves people and cares about them in a way that I wish more people could.. she has a tenderness to her that draws people to her, her girlfriend and son are amazing as well... makes her even a better person. My mother in law and father in law love myself and my children like we are their own, not a day goes by that I don't know we are loved and accepted by this family... it is an amazing feeling.

this kind of brings me to my rollercoaster of a day... My husband and I have been blessed with help when we needed it from family. We have not had to deal with the issues that money can cause within a marraige and I am so very thankful for that, between our ability to plan through deployments and gracious help from family we know we are blessed.

Three years ago I planned a trip to Hawaii to see a great friend. My son and I were going to go for a week and just relax. I have never been out of this general area and was so very much looking forward to it. However my third child was severly burned during this time leaving us with no choice but to cancel the trip. I was able to resechedule it, my oldest daughter and I are scheduled to leave in less than a month.

However due to unforseen circumstances the money I thought I was going to have for the trip the money I have counted on in order to make this trip even happen is gone, not for bad or selfish reasons, it all makes sense. But I can't help but want to lay on the floor and scream and kick and feel sorry for myself. I am so upset...

My husband and I talked about my feelings and he has pointed out that we can still in the short amount of time we have left put aside a few hundred dollars, make the trip possible, not as enjoyable but definatly possible.... I know I should be happy.. no greatful for this.. but again I can't help but feel so upset.

I have been fighting back tears over this since I found out. I was instantly sick to my stomach. But the brain in me said its okay, it makes sense priortys have to be straight, neccesitys first... RIGHT??? well if it is that simple in my head why does my heart feel like its breaking...

Like i said I want to be the little kid and throw a temper tantrum but it does no good when you KNOW you are in the wrong.. I hate feeling like this (hence me putting it here not in the real world) but I can't help it... I am writing this while I am wrenching in tears. I hate that EVERY SINGLE BIG THING I plan gets ruined. Something comes up and it can't happen...

I feel like the little girl that wanted the ONE thing for her birthday but didn't get it, I know I shouldn't feel this way, I knwo its silly but I do... it hurts.. I am so disapointed.. and if I don't go.. if I just say SCREW IT... I don't want to have to feel stressed during this time so I am staying home.. well I am not the only one being let down.. there are others that are planning on this trip, going and enjoying..

I want to SCREAM AND YELL at myself, tell myself to get over it but I can't.. maybe I will just let myself cry it out and be over it.. I will lalow myself this little pity party and then move forward.. it could be worse right?

I guess I just need to focus on my blessings instead of my own short comings... I have an AMAZING, WONDERFUL AWESOME husband that loves me even when I don't deserve it, I have 5 astronomically awesome children that make me smile and fall in love all over again every day... I have family that others would give anythign to have, and all in all we have our health. Even thoughs in our family that do not have the health we want for them still have good enough health to enjoy life and be filled with the love of our family...

please do not judge my brattyness I know I am being a spoiled rotten twit right now but I promise I am not allowing anyone else to see my hurt or disapointment in this situation, no one else is being affected by the tears or hurt in my heart and on my face I am simply having a one person pity party that  know will pass...

but it really sucks to look forward to soemthign for so long and have it all taken away in the matter of seconds, I know we could scrimp enough money together for me to go and be able to eat ect but I will spend the whole time gone stressed that I have enough money and then come home to a house that is stressed as we aer living on less money... it is a loose loose... I will figure it out tomorrow...