to YOU KNOW WHO:

hmm I don't even know where to start this... I think tonights blog will be a compulation of letters, same ole same ole no names but feeling none the less

Dear you know who: I wish I could hate you, I really want to hate you. Some of the things you have done and sad are flat out lies. You make yourself look more and more stupid every time you say something that I can prove is completly false. Someday you will realize that you are hurting more than just yourself. On the other thought.. no you won't. This is the problem you don't think you are doing anythign wrong. You think everything is perfect the way it is.... YOU ARE AN IDIOT we all see it... everyone is laughing AT YOU but unfortunatly laughing at you does not make this situation go away. I wish there was an easy button in life that could help me bypass you... I realize I will never be truly rid of you i just wish I could look in your face scream yell spit and punch.. and have no reprocussion. I wish if I did any of that it would do SOME good... but it won't YOU ARE AN IDIOT...

Dear you know who: if there was one thing I could tell you and feel like you would really listen I would start with MIND YOUR OWN DAM BUSINESS... you do not know everything, hell you barely know  anything. There is a reason people lie to you, there is a reason people don't call you very often. You are the most judgmental person I know. Yet I love you more than you will ever realize. I know I am like you in so many ways. I wish I could only take the good but I know its a package deal. PLEASE realize what you are doing before I can't hold my tongue any longer. If you realized what you were doing, or realized that I KNOW what youa re doing you would stop because it has been hell holding my tongue and my temper this long... please don't make me do somethign I am sure to regret.

Dear you know who: I promised myself I would never love again. I swore that I would never let myself be deopendent on another human being. I needed NO ONE. I have grown to realize what it is to love someone more than the air you breathe. To love another human (that is not your child) so much that it physically hurts when you are not with them. If I didn't have you in my life I do not know where I would be. I know I would be okay, I know I would be a happy loving mommy... but I also know I would never have learned to love myself the way I do, or to exept my own failures and shortcomings.. you make me a better person. I am always looking forward to our for always.

Dear you know who: I have never met someone that can hurt me so deeply. Cut into my sould with just words, or lack of words. You have found a way to cause pain with out even trying. Making me question every choice I have ever made. Your eyes always build me back up and remind me that I love myself but the fury you can cause makes me want to just punch something, to scream or kick... beg for mercy but I can't, my mouth won't move. You as one single person have caused more tears to come from me than any person in the entire world, not all from anger or hurt. With all of that being said I would never replace you in my life. Even though i have been hurt from yu I have also enjoyed the most intense happy moments with you as well. When you realize that words hurt you will be unstopable as a spouse, friend, employee anything you want. And I will be with you when it happens.

Dear you know who: I don't know why you are so important to me but you are. I have learned to let more people in, in my inner circle. Since we have grown our relationship. I have learned that it is okay to let someone in and get hurt as long as I grow from it. I have learned that sometimes people want to be my friend to just BE MY FRIEND.. not with any motive or malice.. just to be. I have enjoyed pointless conversations for hours and hours only to realize that in reality I am worth friendship. I do deserve to be loved in a platonic fashion. You have given me the chance to love someone only to love them. Not for sex, money or neccessisity. It is amazing what a girl without a childhood can associate friendship with sometimes. Being friends with you has allowed me to grow who I am as a person, a mother, a wife, a friend and most of all as myself. I can never repay you for evrything you have given me but I am looking forward to trying for the rest of MY life.

Dear you know who you are, I love you. I have known you longer than almost anybody in my life. You have gone through so many things with me. It is almost as if I can't remember a single memory without you in it. There are a few years where we were not within each others reach but it is like those years were just a blink now that we are back connected. I love you! I tell you often that I do but I never feel like you quite understand how much. I could not go on with my life in a comfertable healthy fashion without you. You are my rock. The one person that I know NO MATTER how bad I mess up you will be there for me. I know that you are the ONE person I could NEVER ask to bail me out of jail (cause you would be with me LMAO) and that means the world to me. I have the most amazing family and I am proud to group you in with this crazy bunch. You are my heart, if I could keep you with me forever (even when I die because I don't want to share you) I would! I would go to fight for you, I will stand proud with you and to be honest I will never look forward to another day in my life without you in it. I love you!

Dear you know who: I have never understood how your brain works: you had so much going for you. You could have done amazing things. You have amazing family and people that loved you more than you ever deserved. I get so angry when I think of what others had to go through because of your actions. I have lot sleep, tears and felt so guilty because of YOUR choices. You are a horrible person inside. I hurts me to say this because I do not really think you are. I remember late night talks, hearing you say things I really truly believe even now more than 12 years later, WHERE ARE YOU??? the real you? not this drug addicted idiot you have become. I always knew you were a rebel I never thought you would go to college and be the go with the flow kind of person but I never thought you would go this way especially with everything you have to live for. I don't understand how being alone in a 10x10 room sober for the first time in who knows how long could be better than wathcing your childs first day of school, or little league game. I do not understnad how reprocussions that I face for little things can seem so huge to me yet not even affect your life, even though yo have the EXACT same amount of biological responsibility. It is not fair. It is not fair that I have to sit at games in the rain, go to over crowded concerts, stay up late to help with science projects, do laundry, clean up vomit, worry when illness hits and be overprotective when friends come over...yet you will not suffer any of the frustration that comes with that, you will party, live life and enjoy whatever you can. There are days that thsi makes me so angry I can't see straight. Makes me want to scream and cry. Then the nights when it is my name that is called, my hand that soothes the cough or me in the dream they are talking about for their future, the pride comes and washes away the anger. But none of that removes how bad I feel for them. You could have been amazing, really could have been something more.... someday? probably not? somehow? who am I kidding. I know as well as you and everyone that knows you that there is nothing in this world that is more important to you than you...exept on that 1st sober morning in your 10x10 cell....my phone rings, I recognize the number.......and finally IGNORE THE CALL

To you know who: THANK YOU
To you know who: I am sorry!
To you know who: I know I am hard on you, that is because I love you and to be honest... YOU ARE THE BEST... please see that before it is to late!
To you know who: our relationship is new, but oh so important to me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you even at this point. You are truly amazing, I wish you could see that. I value you more than I think you value yourself. Which is fine for now, you are learning but know that know matter what, good, bad, sad, hard, happy or mad I am here...

so I have written letters to many, not all but many. You may or may not have a letter here. If I have offended you I would apologize BUT to be honest you are reading MY blog so I don't have to neener neener neener... but seriously if you think this was about you feel free to email me.. maybe it was maybe it wasn't...