A new day

Have you ever felt like your body is failing you? I do! It is kind of like when you tell a friend your child can do something and then they WON'T leaving you to look like the over zealous and lying parent... well my body has made me out to be the liar- I realize that this statement seems a bit overly dramatic but in reality this is why I have been so down, so different and feeling so terrible lately.

I admit I spoke of feeling dark and not understanding how I could react to things the way I was but after some soul searching these last couple days I think I get it.... I am depressed... beyond the little pill bottle I have on my desk... I mean I know I am dealing with depresiion... that is my life I have dealt with it in one facet or another for years.. but the depression that has over taken me in the last couple weeks has been different.

when someone hears the word depressed they think of sucicde, blood and death..or they think of the sad cartoon character on television that is hiding from the rain cloud... neither of these have fit me lately. I have laid in my room questioning everything about myself. It is so hard to question yourself and the things that are going on around you when you are completly in love with your partner and more than satisfied with your life..I was feeling very confused.. hurt.. angry over nothing... no answers.. hell no reason.. just empty

I found myself getting calls, voicemails actualy because I wasn't answering the phone for very many people (well really other than my husband and kids there was only 1 other phone call I would take on a consistent basis) people were texting asking me if I was okay, expressing concern, leaving voicemails. Telling me I didn't sound the same hoping everything was okay. I realized there was a problem when the concern in peoples voice was making me even more iirritated.

There has been a time in my life where I longed to feel the concern of ANYONE and at this point I was almost feeling offended by the same concern I wanted so badly in the past.. However again I had no reasons. Then again I had no desire for a reason..

I tried to tell myself that I was just having a prolonged pity party over the possible cancelation of my trip to Hawaii... this broke my soul in a way I didn't thnk was possible.. HELLO JUST A VACATION.. WRONG it is more than that to me.. it is a chance to do soemthign I have always wnated to do, see things I have always wanted to see and visit a friend I have missed for much to long (Steph I can't wait to see you again!) but I realized last night while I was bawling so hard my husabnd is the only thing that kept my body on the hospital bed my darkness inside was not because of hawaii it was just enlargened by hawaii... so now that I have you wondering what the heck is going on I should probably tell ya huh

so for the last month or so I have been having pain in my side, horrid pain sometimes. I was sure it was my liver acting up again so I was afraid to tell anyone. I felt like I was failing my weight loss challenge, even though I was loosing weight my body was still hurting so I must have been doing something wrong. I didn't tell ANYONE.. I suffered in silence and pretended like nothing was wrong.. however to my dismay, I started a cleanse, I started workingout harder and watching what I eat even more and it didn't get better,... it started getting worse, landed me in the ER....

the first visit in the ER ended up with here is some pain pills and some ibuprofen we think its your appendix but we don't know so go home... well for a couple days I think I am better (gotta love pain pills) so back to the gym I go working out not harder but not easy either, things are GOING to get better... well I started running a fever and having headaches every single day, so after my husband BEGGED me to go to the doctor I made an appointment and went. She is also thinking my appendix but isn't sure, more blood work. That SAME night I am in the ER sick, hurting so bad.. more tests... same answer.. we don't know what is wrong with you here is some pain pills go home... three days later, I want to die the pain is killing me it hurts so bad I go back to the ER... different ER this time

test after test, I have a doctor that is confused he thought he knew the answer but my body is tricking us all again, NO ANSWERS.. this is where the apiphany comes in for me.. I am crying so hard, my husband is holding me, keeping me on the bed I am shaking so hard. I don't understand how my body that I am tyring to be so good to now can fail me so miserably. I feel like once again I am failing.

I am waisting the time of the doctors and nurses, my husband and children that are waiting for me so worried. I say there crying feeling like a complete failiure. I don't want anythign to be wrong but there is obviously soemthing wrong I just want an answer.. BUT NOTHING... somehow God answered a prayer for me right then... I prayed God please let me find an answer to my hurt... he showed me that once again I am setting myself up to fail. God is the only person that knows every inch of my body and he is who I need to lean on, I have tor realize I can't take on this burden of no answers..I have to meet God half way and attend my appointments and continue to take care of myself but I can't take on the guilt of the doctors not finding an answer, that is not my fault. I also have to learn to let go of stress on things I can handle... that brings me to my next part...

So my last post was about how I felt guilty for feeling upset about Hawaii (maybe I should be catholic I feel a lot of guilt LOL just kidding) however my knight in shining armor came through for me. For those that know me well you know that I do not accept help easily. I hate asking for help and rarely even accept help when it is offered well God took the upper hand in this case. I know I need this trip to Hawaii, I need to relax and enjoy a stress free time, I think I over stress and over worry about everything and I need to enjoy myself. However it was not going to happen.  An amazing person heard of my struggles with this and also knowing me in ways that only true family can knows that I will not ask for help but I need this trip if for nothing else just to be able to say I went... well Crazy Uncle John (lol) thank you so very much. He is helping make my trip a reality.. I am so happy to say that Hawaii is back on and my family will not have to go without anything (which allows me to enjoy the trip) it will not be elaborate but it will be amazing and I will be able to see my girls in Hawaii that miss me to (hehe)

I do not believe I have found my way out of this deep dark hole I have dug into but I believe I am seeing the signs and allowed myself to put this out there so others can see the signs in me as well. I am very social I love people so when I pull away from everything there is your first sign.. I love all of my friends dearly but when I feel like a failure I am also feeling like I am failing them which makes me want to hide from them, I can't stand letting myself down let alone others that I love so much

please know that I do know when you say "Holly you aren't letting us down, its not your fault" I KNOW that.. I really do.. I am not ignorant..it is just funny how a mind can play tricks on you.. .. I want to hold the whole world up and help everyone, I can't fail.. if I fail that means I am weak I CAN NOT BE WEAK...

Iam sure this is all over the place and to be honest I am okay with that, I just hope that it sheds a little bit of light on the life of Holly...